Lis

I'm so sad and annoyed about something which I a) shouldn't even know and b) have no right to be sad or annoyed about. THANKS, PMT

They said this was a Matrix duck, but I'm not convinced... #twinpeaks

Never grow up

A thing that i believe about myself is that I'm the perfect amount of woke. If you're less woke than me you need to fix your heart and if you're more woke than me your friends and neighbors probably find you a little fatiguing

This feels like a much safer place to be tonight

Ok what's going on - is it a full moon? Is some shit in some other shit's retrograde? The levels of absoluteluly unhinged behaviour and downright cringe people are putting out into the world is off the charts. Behave!

Selling house is so stressful - oh you wanna come look at my house? Where all my shit is? And you wanna know things about it? And be shown around? Grow up. Just buy it, take a punt. People have no balls anymore.

Woke up and read an articles that scientists are close to disproving the parallel universes theory and I've never slammed a magazine down so fast. All that keeps me going is thinking there's another version of me where I didn't balls it up so badly 🤦🏻‍♀️

I've decided I don't work Fridays anymore and honestly, a fucking fabulous decision. Thrilled with myself. Had a pootle around Lidl, little cosy lunch, might have a sneaky nappy nap later. Brilliant.

Spent the weekend staying at my Dad's in Mayfair and honestly, I've only been living outside of London for the past 9yrs but I'm back home in Derbyshire tonight and I've got the BIG sads. I miss being in London so much 😭

Happy New Year, all 😘

Instead of constantly having the uncertainty of a NEW year on 1st Jan annually, has any one considered just redoing an old one that was excellent? 1999, for example.

Seems viable... apart from the first bit.

I really can completely forget that my best friends exist until they text me, but find myself thinking about my ex from when I was 19 every day. Ridiculous.

I'm not dead, I've just been working 11/12 hour days. So actually I am kinda dead, emotionally. Last day tomorrow 8am-8pm 💪🏻💪🏻

SIMPLY HAVING A

Went to Poundland today to get some wrapping paper and the woman at the till is pushing reduced cartons of eggs for 50p I can't quite explain why, but in no universe would I buy reduced eggs from Poundland. Poundland is not for fresh foods. Unnerving.

I've noticed lately that, because of my age, people keep mistaking me for an adult?

Had the absolute BEST time last night seeing Me First & The Gimme Gimmes at Rock City! Battered from being on the barrier but so worth it 🥰

Extremely frickin' excited to be seeing Me First & The Gimme Gimmes this week - my go to comfort album has been Are A Drag since 1999 and remains so to this day. 🥰

Sometimes I think how, when I was at school, if you didn't know how to spell something they'd tell you to look it up in the dictionary. Mr Jarrett, Babe, I don't know how to spell it - where would I look and how would I recognise it when I saw it? I am 8 years old, get your foot off my neck.

No one talks about the unsung vandals of Christmas trees, ferrets. Cats get all the attention.

I have now done 2 days of staggering about Christmas Markets in the blistering cold with one displaced ankle (left leg) and one stress fracture (right shin) and honestly - it's pissing me off that one's reminding me every 40 mins what a brave little soldier I am? 🙄

Look at her, falling out of her Santa dress! The little festive slut.

Someone once bought me a Bowie Monopoly set, and since then - people keep buying me monopoly sets at Christmas. I REALLY HATE MONOPOLY. I have 9 different sets 😭 My eldest son knows this so last year he got me Monopoly Longest Game Ever, for the lols. In short, I am on edge this year.

Sometimes I secretly hope a client just forgets to show up. 99.9% percent of the time that drives me crazy but this woman today... I would swerve every time if I could.

Fabulous seeing all the "REAL MEN" frothing at the mouth, incandescent with rage over a pink Jaguar. 👌🏻

What if I told you that the only reason I am bald is that I’m afraid of a Ratatouille situation? What if I told you that I’d have so much hair if not for the fear of a rat using me like a puppet? These are modes of control, Neo. This is how they manipulate us. Ratatouilles, Neo. Rats that pull hair.

Watching District 9 again which means I'll be absorbing Wikus' accent for the next several days as there's something about THAT specific South African accent I get stuck in, I simply can't stop.

My 9yo has been saying for about 2wks that he has seen something he really wants from M&S for Christmas as his main present. We went today, and it's A FREAKIN' SERRANO JOINT? Anyway, beats crappy noisy plastic tat, so I've acquiesced as long as it's saved for the 25th. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Right well I feel obliged to do something festive today but equally, it's raining, and I'm super comf in my bed with a blanket.... so 🤷🏻‍♀️

So this morning I ended up at the Urgent Treatment Centre to check I hadn't broken my ankle (I haven't, just displaced it). WHY? Oh cause fkin EVRI dumped 20 parcels down an alley and I was trying to be a local hero and deliver them - and slipped down someone's bastard garden steps 😭

I wrote a tweet about room temperature eggs on The Bad Place and it's doing numbers. Of all the fabulous things I've said over the years and it's THAT?! Room. Temperature. Eggs.

"You have such a wonderful imagination!" Yes, thank you! I mainly use it to traumatise myself over situations that are unlikely to ever occur 🥰

The monsters didn't get me this time but I suspect it's because I was being audibly grumpy.

Just got super comf in bed so obviously now I can't remember if I locked the front door and have to go down two flights of stairs to check whereupon I will, inevitably, be eaten by monsters. 💔

Did you know crows can hold grudges against humans for up to 17 years? Which is absolute rookie numbers actually, cause I still absolutely despise this one girl Fiona who flirted with my boyfriend in 1998, and I'll wish the worst for her until the day I die 🥰

Trying to find ways I can trick Luke from MAFs into saying "terrorise the butthole" on Cameo as a gift for my tattoo studio (who love him) Does this read correctly? I would like Terry, Orise, Deb, Utole and everyone at Tabula Rasa to have a wonderful Christmas. I've lost all perspective 🤣

Does anyone else get unreasonably furious with the relentless grind of GETTING DRESSED? Stupid work clothes on day after day, silly little different clothes for sleeping, and repeat AD INFINITUM? Awful. Bring back togas. One sheet and done.

Sorry I can't come to work this evening, a fat elderly cat that I love more than anything in else in the world is sat on both my feet

Look, am I perfect? No! But am I trying to improve as a human, and learn compassion for others, even when they are so annoying and stupid? Also no.

Devastated to realise I will never make it to anyone's starter pack when I'm clearly such a fucking delight 💔

The kids today don't know that ASOS was short for As Seen On Screen and you used to be able to find and buy clothes people wore on telly there. BACK WHEN I WERE A LASS