Logan Five

Remember, you Godless liberals. Marriage is a sacred institution between one man, one woman, and Corey Lewandowski’s penis.

Maybe if Trump puts his name on the Kennedy Center he can save it. Just like he saved Kennedy Steaks, Kennedy Vodka, Kennedy University, Kennedy Airlines, and the Kennedy Taj Mahal.

It’s really hard today to avoid the “In a vote along party lines, the United States Supreme Court voted 6-3 to award Michigan an extra play against Western Michigan” vibe.

In a nation of 343 million people, how can there not be ONE journalist curious enough to investigate what has happened to Mitch McConnell? Has anyone went to this hospital where he was taken? Talked to doctors? Nurses? Ambulance drivers? His Senate staff? Friends and family? Beyond baffling.

Want to know what will suck the most? In 2029, President Newsom or President Pritzger or whomever the hell we have will accept a free meal at a youth jamboree event, and the political press — after yawning through the Trump years — will scream “SCANDAL!” and give it 9/11-level coverage. You watch.

World War I: Started in 1914 with the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. World War II: Started in 1939 with Germany’s invasion of Poland. World War III: Started in 2026 because a toddler didn’t get a trophy.

Remember every day for the rest of your lives that this nation’s political press has been gaslighting you from the start.

If you want to know how powerful racism is, consider that Elon Musk is about to be minted as history’s first trillionaire and he is incapable of joy simply because there are black people in the world.

It’s hard not to marvel at the cognitive dissonance of people who see a single anonymous post on a QAnon message board and conclude “Hillary Clinton is raping children and drinking their blood in this pizza parlor” while seeing Trump’s name all over these emails and concluding “This proves nothing.”

To the people of Chicago and Portland, there are things you can do even if you can’t be part of a demonstration. If Trump’s Nazi goons come into your restaurant, don’t serve them. If they want to use your bathroom, don’t let them. If they want an Uber or taxi, don’t pick them up. Good trouble ✊

It’s interesting. When a political figure is killed, the news almost always peppers their coverage showing that person’s most famous speeches. JFK, RFK, MLK, Harvey Milk. . . But no one can do that for Charlie Kirk, because everything he farted out of his mouth-hole was bigoted and hate-filled.

I’m setting the over/under on 1.5 years before we see a history textbook in Oklahoma public schools telling us that the North held all the slaves during the Civil War and the South freed them.

I’m trying to think if anyone has ever been worse at cost/benefit analysis than Bill Maher. Because his show is essentially “I know that Trump is a traitorous rapist and pedophile who wants to end democracy and make us North Korea, but those liberals and their pronouns are even more annoying.”

Who the fuck was the attorney at Columbia University who said “President Trump is embroiled in a massive pedophilia scandal, so this is the right time to cave, pay $200 million, and put him in charge of our admissions process going forward.”? Great. Give the playground bully your lunch money.

I don’t even blame Trump at this point. I blame the cowards. The Legislative Branch that refuses to be a check on his power. The courts who have caved. The universities and law firms who surrendered. The media that has tried to appease him and normalize his insanity. The list is endless.

Everything that’s happened over the past six months has been a response to an imaginary crisis. There is no immigrant invasion. No trade crisis. No scientific or governance crisis. Just people completely high off their own supply trying to fundamentally reorder society. None of this had to happen.

Mel Kiper sounds like a fucking stalker from a Lifetime TV movie talking about Shedeur Sanders right now 🤣

The first election I voted in was 1988. Voted for Michael Dukakis. Since then, all four Republican Presidencies have resulted in economic calamity. All three Democratic Presidencies have resulted in record job creation and a record-high stock market. This dipshit nation deserves its misery.

What do you say, Trump voters? We’re coming up on the 10th anniversary of him coming down the escalator for the first time. Nearly a DECADE in, are we Great yet? Is this the Great part? Did I miss it? Please make sure to wake me up when it happens. I don’t want to miss the official Great moment.

Hey @nytpitchbot.bsky.social, do you happen to know anyone in the theater community? Because I can’t get “Pitchbot: The Musical” out of my mind. No snark here. I’m totally and completely serious, and this ground can be mined for comedy gold. We can either laugh or cry these days. Go for it 😊

He first came down the escalator in 2015. So almost a decade in, I have a question for the Trump voters: Are we Great yet? Please let me know when the Great part happens, because I want to remember the moment. But hang in there. Remember that billionaires love you and you’ll all be rich very soon.

Here’s how this crash investigation is going to go. If the airplane pilot was black or a woman, it’s their fault. If the helicopter pilot was black or a woman, it’s their fault. If both are, then both will be at fault. If neither are, then they’ll start looking for a black guy in the ATC tower.

I’m totally bummed that the NFL’s emphasis on DEI will now require me to watch a Super Bowl with Patrick Mahomes vs Jalen Hurts when we could have had Carson Wentz vs Kenny Pickett.

He’s been President less than a week, and he’s expressed an interest in seizing Greenland and Canada, and launching wars against Panama and Colombia. And we’ve installed an alcoholic and woman-beater as Secretary of Defense. But hey, the billionaires are getting richer. Great job, dipshit voters.

LETTERS FROM THE FRONT Dearest Mother, I write to you with a full heart on the eve of our Toronto Campaign. From our ditch, the men feast on venison, crullers from Tim Hortons, and field rations. May God allow me to be straight and true with my musket tomorrow. Affectionately, Jebediah

If Chris Ballard keeps his job after this season, I can only conclude that he’s in possession of the most compromising photos of Jim Irsay known to man.

I confess that I’m struggling to find a viable political path forward for the Democrats when half the people in America enthusiastically vote to make themselves poorer, sicker and dumber — all while cheering on billionaires who don’t give a shit about them.

There are 168 hours in a week. And all I ask is for the Colts not to do dumb shit for 3 of them.

It’ll be interesting to see how this “Just be nice to tyrants and authoritarians and they’ll eventually stop being horrible human beings and inflicting misery on millions of people” strategy works out for Joe and Mika given that it’s succeeded [CHECKS NOTES] zero fucking times in human history.

Aaron Rodgers remains immunized against winning.