nostraightanswer / LupinNSA

nostraightanswer.bandcamp.comLet There Be An Ocean, by nostraightanswer17 track album

4 Sept

It's Bandcamp Friday! --You can buy my entire Bandcamp discography for 30% off --I'm updating my prices for old albums down to $8 for digital, $10-$12 (🔽 from $10-$15) for physical --My new album, "Let There Be An Ocean", is available for pre-order now: nostraightanswer.bandcamp.com/album/let-th...

53m

d. did i have a stroke while typing this

so far friends i’ve sent it to have said things like: - “sad bop” - “incredible instrumental” - “instantly connected with it” - “love the sounds” - “it’s like whooaaaa” suffice to say early listens have been very motivating so i hope you o share it soon 💖

nostraightanswer / LupinNSA@lupin.nostraightanswer.com

made a lot of progress on a vent song for my medical-depression today. very [sad bop] as my friends put it on discord the instrumental is coming along very nicely as are the lyrics and general vibe of the vocal production. got a few things to rewrite, plenty to re-record and process.

11h

Amber Cyprian (They/Them) @ Home

11h

giving it a break for now though, want to have some space to breathe so my brain can find a way to conclude it... the song is titled "Living With My Ghosts", and I've officially added it to LTBAO's tracklist, upgrading it from a hidden bonus track.

nostraightanswer / LupinNSA reposted

@ambercyprian.bsky.social

22h

I want this machine now. 3D Blast never gets a moment in the spotlight, it just gets unceremoniously re-released in compilations and never played by people ever LOL

TGH@tghsr.stream

Look what we found at Costco LOL

youtube.comBoy, you’re getting nil from me… #synthesizerv #synthv_nyl #nostraightanswer #flstudioYouTube video by nostraightanswer

if anyone was looking for my short NYL ditty ("Nil From Me"), i've finally reposted the short to YT. it had failed to convert during that period where vertical content was supposedly getting auto-converted... youtube.com/shorts/m9i4p...

youtu.benostraightanswer - Get Wild (feat. DEX)YouTube video by nostraightanswer

yesterday was the 7th anniversary of my werewolf-lover song, "Get Wild": youtu.be/K9fSditAzqY the song where i tried to redeem myself for dex's growl by doing a better one at the beginning of the final chorus, lol 😅 thanks for listening 💖💪🐺 (illust by @sleppu.art 🐟)

i'm catching up on grey's anatomy while idling this early morning, and i'm finding myself reflecting on my experiences in the hospital this summer i'm not... really over the fact that i nearly died, over an infection that seemingly laid dormant for 24 years of my life.

i know you're concerned for my worsening health, concerned that i'm not as focused as i should be on my school and being healthy and everything else. and you're right to be concerned, because i'm not. i'm self-medicating on every bad habit and it's like an addiction.

please give me some grace just this once. i know it's disappointing. i'm trying to climb out of this hole and it's hard to watch as i stumble and fall back down. but i really am trying. please be patient. i love you.

right now, i'm doing what i can, when i can, and it isn't a lot and it isn't enough. but i will only feel worse if i keep steeping in that mentality- i need to give myself grace while i recover, keep doing what i can and ignore that nagging in my head. it's just... hard.

if my parents wind up finding this on accident... i'm sorry. i know this might be disappointing to you. i wish i felt safe opening up about how much i'm struggling right now, despite how it might seem to hear me laughing with my friends as i escape into fantasies.

on one hand, my struggles feel seen already by this show. wanting my life to be normal while i'm in recovery, it's not just a snap of the fingers and then it's a done thing, y'know? it's really hard to reconcile that. hard to admit that i need more rest.

the truth, in hindsight, is that i wasn't ready to continue college. my parents are counting on me to accelerate my learning so i can get a stable job to support myself, but i shouldn't have committed to something so strenuous when my recovery was still up in the air.

but i wake up and i find myself not any better than the previous day. not wanting to strive for my usual goal of that better version of me. i just want to disappear, want the pain to end. that sucks so much. and while i'm not a danger to myself, i need to get out of this fugue.

...anyway. i'm sorry to open myself up like this all of a sudden here. i know i try to keep it a lot more light than i used to, but i'm having one of those moments where i feel like i need to be heard. i need people to understand. all triggered by a fucking medical drama.

i've also struggled to get back into weightlifting, or just basic self-care exercise things, like walking for an hour or things like that. but more than anything else, i'm in pain all the time. sometimes i can ignore it. other times i can't. physical and emotional pain.

some of this would be resolved if i just picked up my diet and fitness routine again, even if i dialed it down to three days of full-body weightlifting and short walks on the others. at least the proven mental health benefits would help the emotional side.

i struggle to focus on my work- both my homework for college and my music work. i escape my sadness by diving into video games, television shows, youtube videos. i procrastinate and the list of things i need to do gets bigger. my physical health is significantly worse.

i'd already been struggling with regaining a lot of the weight i'd lost starting around holiday of 2025- my diet that i'd maintained for just about a year and a half totally crashed, and i've been entirely unable to get back on track since. getting hospitalized hasn't helped.

point is, you don't realize how much stress being a patient can be until you're suddenly being monitored 24/7 for an infection no one knows how you got. when you're facing that reality. my surgeon only settled on the "dormant / chronic osteomyelitis" theory two weeks ago.

now, navigating my surgical wound reopening and a secondary infection, as well as the bills at threat of being sent to collectors, i'm still struggling with my recovery. i don't cry about it, but i'm severely depressed all the time. i haven't been this low since 2023.

separately, i cried about my college courses, a summer of effort down the drain that i still haven't recovered from, unable to navigate this fall semester at all. that's a couple thousand dollars down the drain. i cried about opportunities that i lost or would lose.

i was very graciously offered a couple opportunities, optimistic for my recovery- one being Digital Stars Berlin- knowing my situation was developing. i had to shut down both recently. another, which i wrapped up last month, was postponed for two months past an initial deadline.

two of my friends- aki, and a newer friend i've made over the past year or so- called me on the phone (not discord) to talk to me one-on-one. aki said if i needed her there, she would drop everything to be there with me. i didn't realize how much i needed to just... hear that.

when my other friend called me later, i broke down entirely. i cried about how lonely i was. how scared i was. how much i missed home. how much shame i felt that i wasn't able to take care of myself- use the restroom, bathe myself, walk around. the inevitable mountain of bills.

i wore my infection for the first few days as a fucked-up "justification to be here". i didn't mind being in the hospital too much because at least i was getting help. and then i kept thinking about how, if i had arrived even one day later, things might have been different.

i listened to my friends chit-chat in discord calls, play dungeons and dragons without me, while i was high on oxycodone / percocet and toradol. i don't remember any of the things we talked about. i remember being "cuddly". i remember feeling fine. and then i would crash.

when i went to the ER they immediately activated code sepsis when i explained the situation. wide open fluids. last-resort "nuclear policy" antibiotics. within a couple hours my the lactic acid in my blood decreased to a safe level, but my white cell count was in the 20,000s.

various doctors rotated in and out during my stay in the hospital, GPs helping me and my parents understand the situation, infectious disease specialists trying to get a grip on my infection, podiatry for the surgery i would need to drain the abscesses in my foot.

having now watched Edgerunners 2 twice, i actually like it more than the first season, which is a shame, because it appears this is an unpopular opinion.

in particular, i found Roman a strikingly compelling fold character. established at the outset as a young visionary with an incredible wanderlust, the way he finds himself entangled in the other three stories as a witness first, participant second, lends him a lot of credibility as a narrator.

in the first episode, roman describes film as creating a barrier between the events on the screen and the audience, which can then be used to change the way a viewer perceives the events they witness. i think just that little monologue alone does a lot to set the expectations for the season.

having now watched Edgerunners 2 twice, i actually like it more than the first season, which is a shame, because it appears this is an unpopular opinion.

it's not that Edgerunners 2 is necessarily a better story, or that Edgerunners 1 isn't emotionally impactful (in ways that fans haven't recovered from since). it's just that i found myself relating more to the struggles of this season's main cast, struggling with trauma, change, mortality, vision.

i also, just in general, really enjoyed S2's storytelling style, with the different perspectives creating a consistent sense of dramatic irony that keeps you wondering what will happen when the details learned in one POV will affect another's.

having now watched Edgerunners 2 twice, i actually like it more than the first season, which is a shame, because it appears this is an unpopular opinion.