fluffy tufty puppylynx

having stupid needy puppy desires

my alt has too much visibility atproto spaces when

fluffy tufty puppylynx@lynx.t4tkiss.ing

i found out w*ymo is hiring for my job, but it's FTE, 33% raise, hybrid work schedule i'm feeling very this image macro looking at the job app

this is my fault i kept rting nudes on main for attention

anyways it would be a legendarily funny arc for me to go from l robotaxi gripe poster to w*ymo employee

i found out w*ymo is hiring for my job, but it's FTE, 33% raise, hybrid work schedule i'm feeling very this image macro looking at the job app

while the commute would double or triple, it would be amtrak + bikable, and not every day of the week. so i’d gain money, salary, better benefits, spend less on commuting…

i just want more money and safety and pets and cuddles and to enjoy sex and an owner

i found out w*ymo is hiring for my job, but it's FTE, 33% raise, hybrid work schedule i'm feeling very this image macro looking at the job app

while i don’t feel like it is necessarily a great idea to leave yet another job after just a few months, and i quite like most of my direct teammates, if i was handed an offer tomorrow i don’t think i could say no. if a recruiter reached out, i don’t think i’d decline to apply

you can’t call me a good girl is ilelgal

you’d think with my track record of activating the prey drive in people that i’d be hunted over more

i shouldn’t have to be waiting for my tires at costco i should be at home being bullied

fluffy tufty puppylynx reposted

Replying to @lynx.t4tkiss.ing

id like to be desirable while also being actually useful for that desire, maybe. not sure if theres a word for “desire carried through to the end”.

can’t log into main lol

nvm works now

it’s so hard to think about this when it basically immediately bubbles up all the trauma and the shooting paw pains

fluffy tufty puppylynx@lynx.t4tkiss.ing

what do i actually want from people?

i can hardly message people unless i have a Good Reason

and like i can mitigate it by distraction or other techniques but eventually i have to deal with it and idk how you even deal with it

fluffy tufty puppylynx reposted

5 Sept

dude.

is poly actually working for me, would i actually be better off mono, or am i must emotionally needy no matter what relationship structure i follow in life

what do i actually want from people?

i hate being so physically affectionate and needy

shopping for big plushies and getting wet. pathetic puppy alert

i think a lot of the concept of being owned, handled, controlled. i really wish i didn’t.

i don’t know.

i just. i just wish i could feel it. i want to feel safe. i want to feel love, not just understand it, not just trusting that it’s there. i just want to feel it.

i think a lot of the concept of being owned, handled, controlled. i really wish i didn’t.

freyja… you’re rationalizing your pain. it is okay. you don’t have to feel bad about feeling bad

i just don’t see how it could be okay. wouldn’t it have been shown by now if it was okay? wouldn’t i feel safe?

i think a lot of the concept of being owned, handled, controlled. i really wish i didn’t.

you don’t sign up to be around someone just to end up… “taking care” of them. people shouldn’t have to take care of me. it was never okay to be taken care of before. it has to be a trap now, right? certainly all this pain wasn’t for nothing

but i wish it was okay. i wish i could have that. ive proven myself, beyond a reasonable doubt, that im capable, resilient, that i can push through, all on my own. but its not okay. i think. maybe i can just learn to be okay with that.

i think a lot of the concept of being owned, handled, controlled. i really wish i didn’t.

the pain of wanting something you’re practically physiologically incapable of understanding, let alone practicing

i want to be loved for my whole. not just the part that comes out over the web, not just the mask i put on in person, but all of me. unfortunately, that whole includes a very lonely, broken, sad, confused child. and i don’t blame anyone for not wanting to see that

i think a lot of the concept of being owned, handled, controlled. i really wish i didn’t.

so the puppy keeps coming out. because she never got to live. i don’t really remember a time before that innocence was lost. ever since i could form memories it always felt like a puzzle, trying to understand why i was so different, how im supposed to fit in, hoping i could find a way to be loved

and maybe i still do want to be owned. but will i ever feel safe enough to let myself be owned, controlled, etc? i dont know. i’ve never met anyone, who does not eventually hurt me, who ive ever felt safe enough to be truly vulnerable with, in that way

i think a lot of the concept of being owned, handled, controlled. i really wish i didn’t.

people think i have my shit together. im not even all together inside. and i wish i did. i wish i was all there. i wish i could be this… lightning rod of agency, someone that can just set out to do things.

but it feels like i’m not able to, because there’s so much inside me that still hasn’t really moved on. and how are you really supposed to move on from the complex trauma of emotional neglect and not really having any close friends for years

i think a lot of the concept of being owned, handled, controlled. i really wish i didn’t.

i feel split in a few modalities. the tiny puppy, that desperately wishes for safety, a coordinator, that tries to keep everything going, and a distant fellow, who tries to keep people away by inaction

the puppy keeps coming out more and more. the coordinator is having a hard time keeping her quiet. the abyss of what’s left keeps fighting me.

i think a lot of the concept of being owned, handled, controlled. i really wish i didn’t.

all it reminds me of is what i didnt get to have

then i think… is it really about wanting to fix myself? or is this me trying to distance myself from others? is it wanting to help myself, or more refusing help? maybe i just resent how i never feel safe with others

i think a lot of the concept of being owned, handled, controlled. i really wish i didn’t.

it’s not… shameful, bad, nothing like that. but all it reminds me of, right now, is that i feel inadequate, burnt out, under resourced. i don’t want to be fixed by someone. i want to fix myself