Matt Ruby

Get my Substack in your inbox. Jokes, videos, essays, and other groovy goodies. Over 16K subscribers. “The best emailed comedy newsletter coming from anyone today." -Robert Bostick, HumorPoint 📰 mattruby.substack.com

“You look good for your age.” “Thanks. You’re nice for a jerk.”

The overwhelming feeling I get from so much of the tech world: There were zero women in the room when this decision got made. Cybertruck, OpenAI, Apple Vision Pro, crypto, Kalshi, DraftKings, Flock cameras, Palantir, etc...you can just smell the rooms FULL of dudes.

Podcasting is the best thing to ever happen to vertical wooden slats.

Great trolling ammo here. Send it to a mom with the caption "Thought this might be up your alley!"

my taping went great. truly amazing. and now it's me throwing out two years of material and starting all over again. sometimes ya gotta burn down the forest to let the new trees grow. onward.

You owned the libs. And now you own nothing else. Congrats?

He's not "thirsty," you're just used to being neglected. ✌️

Yo, Zohran. Forget free buses. You start a program that hands out free *headphones* to anyone blasting their phone out loud on the subway and you got me on the hook for liiiiiiiiife.

The attention economy means everyone's trying to waste your time. Click here for more!

Woof.

Be a late adopter. You don't have to rush to get somewhere no one wants to stay.

Buttheads

When someone shows you who they are, that's the perfect time to try to fix them.

Jay-Z choosing himself to perform at the Super Bowl halftime is giving the same vibe as when Dick Cheney headed up George W. Bush's VP selection committee: "You're never gonna guess who I found..."

Everyone on the internet acts like a detective who must solve a case no one ever assigned to them. Actually, you don't have to call her out, accuse him of joke theft, do your research, crack that true crime mystery, or any of the rest of it. NO ONE ASKED YOU TO DO THAT.

Give up on being the first to know stuff and your life becomes way easier. Added bonus: Knowing things later means you're much more likely to get them right.

In baseball, you start at home. And then you embark on an adventure that, eventually, allows you to return home again. Basically, it is "The Odyssey" turned into sports.

Destination wedding? Only if there’s also gonna be a destination divorce. I’ll go to Tuscany to hear her say, "I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore."

Remember the emperor’s new clothes? The only person able to call it out was a little kid…cuz he didn’t know he wasn’t supposed to tell the truth.

I'll get you up to speed. 🎥 Live special taping • October 25 • NY Comedy Club (24th St) • 5 & 7pm • promo code "groovy" for discount

Life comes at you fast.

Why do these White House reporters always have to scream out for attention at 47’s press gaggles like a mob of hungry refugees? Can't they just run those things like a deli counter where people take a number and wait their turn?

It's a reaction shot world now. The whole point of the thing now is people REACTING to the thing. When we see it, we see someone else's face while *they* watch it. This is what happens as people increasingly live lives devoid of human contact.

Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, the guy from Metallica, Dana Carvey...the list of people social media can't stand right now feels like a VH1 show called "I HATE THE 90'S."

In the future, you will worship either AI or psychedelics. That’s why I will innovate with A.I.huasca. Best of both worlds!

The attention economy has shifted the incentives of “successful” art from quality to quantity. It’s now a Taylor Swift/Tony Hinchcliffe model over a Sade/Chris Rock one. The goal now isn’t to create a masterpiece, it’s to churn out a constant IV drip of just good enough “content.”

We need a Key & Peele sketch on these ridic home run trots.

Our burgers were not smashed Out salads were not chopped And then all that changed And everything became violent

One side wants to cancel you for saying whore. The other wants to cancel you for mocking Charlie Kirk. Well, I believe in building bridges and finding common ground. That's why I want everyone to know that Charlie Kirk was a whore.

"Larry Ellison’s TikTok has shut down the promotional account for Alex Gibney’s Elon Musk documentary."

Tip or Treat

I’ve hung out with enough Burning Man guys to know you should never trust a dude who wears this many bracelets. He's just an amethyst ring away from inviting you to a sound healing workshop that ends in tantric massage. 😜

How can France be this angry? They're socialist and have zero billionaires...soooo problem solved, right?

me when some IG model has a ridic BBL:

There are a lot of things I’m sad I don’t have yet I’m also not sure I want. But if I had them, at least I’d know for sure I don’t want them.

You know how Triumph always adds "for me to poop on" at the end of things? I feel like the tech world should do that but with "if you're a shut-in." "This app will help you find community...if you're a shut-in." Etc.