Maximilian Ximenez

in the buffet. straight up 'dabauching it'. and by 'it', haha, well. let's just say. My bowels".

"Maybe *you* wanna escape samsara. Me? I like it. Im a freak like that"

Alternate universe where Nathan Fielder gives Holmes his personal rendition of The Aristocrats instead of showing her Who's On First?

"Want to be in a straight passing relationship but can't bear the thought of fucking a man? Try asexuality today."

Would a weregroundhog be cursed to relive its rampage on the same night of the full moon over and over again?

Does the average westerner use "modern" to mean "after WWII"? I got into a huge argument with someone who didn't think the American Civil War was a "modern" war and I was like... "Byzantium had been fallen for over four centuries by then wtf are you talking about"

"Yo we're going to the party, you better not be Cunty Andrew Tate when we get there" My bald ass:

imagine a big beet cafe where they play big beat music all the time

Everyone wants to talk about their morning coffee "ritual" but people look at me like I have two heads when I make the argument that coffee is an entheogen in the capitalist religion.

I had a dream where New Yorkers were considered a distinct ethnic group and we had our own ethnic holiday akin to St. Patrick's day or Cinco de Mayo in which other Americans drive to the nearest town with public transit and eat pizza on a bus as a peculiarity

If I found a portal to the backrooms at work I'd mostly just use it to hide the fact I'm smoking weed on my breaks. Like holy shit it's basically a well ventilated closet your boss won't go into.

Never before has the pain of being seen been so acute as when you're talking to a guy from the inscrutable orient who nevertheless holds a terminal degree in western studies. I don't WANT to be understood like that.

I'm really sick of people equating the Halloween tradition of dressing up and given children candy with Samhain, Hallowmass or anything of the sort. The tradition originated in NYC with the Ragamuffin Parade. NYC is responsible for giving America both Santa Claus and trick or treating.

My local supermarket is hosting a "Halloween meet and greet" with a woman I can best describe as Latina Elvira. I don't think this is an established character I just think the supermarket is paying her to be a busty goth. Don't tell me capitalism doesn't work when you can get a paycheck for that.

there is a woeful dearth of wisecracking skeletons in my life

What is creamed corn if not low fructose corn syrup

Once again I am begging Pixar to look at my spec script which is a prequel to Toy Story about tutelary figurines going on adventures in ancient Rome

Would it be in poor taste to make a Cardinal Ximenez costume for Halloween?

are all topologists inherently ball knowers

I deeply respect the work of Frank Zappa but I can't help but feel disappointed that "Goblin Girl" is about oral sex, since now I can't put it on the playlist for my asexual Halloween party.

if the average american had the chance to encounter a sensitive white boy before the mid-20th century beatlemania would've never taken hold on our shores

My favorite thing to do in focus groups is just exercise epistemic humility. "Your advertisement has not provided enough evidence for me to conclude whether or not you've retained the same quantity of flavor compounds when halving the calories, what kind of moron would agree with that?"

I already get seders and satyrs confused but today in a discussion about religion and ritual I didn't realize we were talking about Norse seiðr instead of Jewish dinners or goat-men

is "learning empathy through pavlovian psychosexual conditioning" the cure to male loneliness?

Nothing tastes as good as nihilism feels.

I'm in this photo and I don't like it

Pitch for a horror novel: 500 year vampire who missed the development of furry culture gets stuck at a furry con assuming he's been captured by lycanthropes and has to murder his way out without breaking the masquerade.

"I'm trying to pitch a video game that replicates the subjective experience of doing drugs with interesting people"

Fresh toynbee tile on 54th and 6th in NY

The deep lore

How I arrived on BlueSky

honorary juggalo guy debord

once we perfect in-vitro meat and I can chow down on a chicken tumor the next step is cloning my ass and having a me-nugget

Digger and Station 11 want me to accept a fucking baffling premise that people will still give a shit about live theater after the apocalypse

I ain't here to make friends. I'm here to make Romans and countrymen.

i was at a celiac wedding for the weekend and this slice of gluten-full pizza is hitting so perfectly right now

If I gave a shit about what people dumber than me thought I'd have killed myself decades ago

hanging out with a disney imagineer this weekend so I'm asking him the only question worth asking; how long is the robot hog of the animatronic trump in the hall of presidents

there's an alternate universe where Quincey Morris gets consistently adapted into Dracula movies so pop culture just treats cowboys as the natural enemy of the vampire like mongooses and cobras