dial m for murderousness

The Milwaukee Brewers, folks. The Milwaukee Brewers

It appears that the game of baseball is some kind of shouting contest

I participated in the political process by doing the stupidest thing possible and it didn’t work out so now I’m going to go home and pout

Fun fact: Boards of Canada put out a new album this year and it’s GOOD

This old prick is starting to reek of desperation

Have you heard the news? There’s new money now. Like, they came up with a new kind of money and that’s the only money you can use now. Your old money is all worthless, might as well give it to me

Definitely the two most accurate names for animal noises are “moo” and “hoot.” There’s an owl nearby and that is definitely a hoot

Why can’t my team be like the Brewers (good)

Imagine getting beaten by one of the league’s worst-hitting backup catchers and someone named Petey Halpin

Yes thank you for the app notification, text and email letting me know you have processed my monthly autopayment, I was just wondering about the status of this thing I purposely set up to be automatic so I wouldn’t have to think about it

Get behind me, Satan! I could really use your support right now

The military recruiting ads running now could have been pulled directly from Starship Troopers

Are there still people on Earth who don’t know nobody’s supposed to call you and ask for your one-time login code

(He did the math) He did the monster math (The monster math)

Copilot is getting so intrusive. “Do you want help writing this email?” “Can I summarize this document for you?” It’s like fucking Clippy is back and 100 times more annoying

Between Jax and Duran it hasn’t been a very great postseason for ex-Twins relievers

Did the Kansas City Royals really go to the World Series two years in a row a while back, or am I hallucinating the whole thing

Yeah, the bathroom is where you go when you have to fart at work. But if you have to fart as much as the guy a couple stalls over did today, you should go home to do it. Just take the rest of the day off

Dang, if I get to see the Yankees, Dodgers and Guardians all eat shit this October it’ll be so glorious

Amazon Prime Video, fuck you for making me watch ads You are a dickhole

A baby tortoise should be called a tortilla

I like to play the drums Good morning, how are you, I’m Dr. Drums I’m interested in drums

Ranking the remaining baseball cities I’ve been to 1. Chicago 2. New York 3. San Diego 4. Los Angeles 5. Cleveland 6. Milwaukee n/a: Tampa/St. Pete, Atlanta

Phillies could have started Aaron Nola or just set the ball on a tee and hope for the best. I think they made the wrong decision

Patrick is a stone cold freak for dropping writing this good into the intro of what is a useful, but fairly formulaic Game 2 preview format: www.baseballprospectus.com/news/article...

Batting third for the mighty Yankees, a guy with 13 home runs and a .716 OPS

Well judging from the action so far it looks like we’re headed for a Braves-White Sox World Series

I don’t know much about religion but I know that if you wear shiny pants to work you are going to hell

Don’t you just hate rising Treasury yields

We see you’re trying to open a document. Would you like it to open in your web browser, where you won’t be able to use any of the tools you usually do, or would you rather get the far superior experience of the desktop application, where things actually work? The desk- Opening in web browser!

That Choosing Texas song is so aggressively mediocre, I guess it’s fitting that Americans fucking love it

Jesus H. Christ, when is this bullshit going to end

Vikings fans are soooo excited after the team’s 2-0 start! You know what that means, time to lose 41-0

The Grinder was better than half of these shows

“Grandpa, tell us about the olden days” “When I was young, if you were getting a package delivered, it would just arrive one day. You didn’t get eight emails and notifications about every tiny step in the delivery process” “Wow! And what about the Night Mutants?” “We didn’t have those either”

The subject of this sentence is “music,” not “YENDRY,” so it literally means “YENDRY’s music was born in the Dominican Republic, raised in Italy, and has lived in many other parts of the world”

(watching the Equalizer): man, this guy fucking LOVES equalizing

I don’t usually meddle on the writing side of Jeopardy!, but tonight I called in a favor for our Bluesky viewers.

If you know some meat sticks are kind of iffy from a freshness perspective, but you eat them anyway, and then you get sick and die, does that technically count as suicide? Would hate to nullify my life insurance policy

The Shift+Ctrl+arrow shortcut for highlighting text on a PC is so clutch, it’s life changing if you’re always futzing with words

You know that thing where you’re using an unfamiliar salt shaker, or one that you know pours quickly, and you shake some into your hand first then sprinkle the amount you want on the food to make sure you don’t over-salt it? I invented that

They shouldn’t have put all the Hulu stuff on Disney+. I want to keep my shit separate

I give them some props for never explaining why that asshole cop had a black eye the entire season. Sometimes people have black eyes and it has nothing to do with the crazy events they’ve gotten mixed up in