Moe Ottis

Eating glass just to make sure my teeth keep their edges

I’m putting cigarettes out on my eyes so I can finally get some rest

Been having lots of Chinese thoughts lately.

For everyone who has been pestering me in my DM’s (thousands of you), NO, Korean Moe is not dead. He is on a SPIRITUAL retreat deep in the Peruvian jungle. I’m being told that he is currently able to imagine perfect 6-dimensional objects and spin them around in his perfect Korean brain.

People keep telling me to stop feeding wine-soaked bread to the ducks at my local pond. I don’t think you people realize the utility of a wine-drunk mallard.

Every day I get a year older. Then at the end of the year I become 364 years younger, so it all works out in the end

I’m thinking about turning myself into ants

My dad has two skeletons

Last night at around 2:10am, the tickle monster approached my home looking to tickle me and my niece. I understand that California does not technically have stand your ground law, but any level-headed American should understand the severity of this situation, and that my actions were justified.

The bigger something is, the tastier it is. Evidence: Cow? Big. Pretty tasty. Chinchilla? Small. Not tasty.

I’m coming down with a bad case of oyster flu, please pray to the Dread God of the Abyss for my health

Thank you all for tuning into my nieces twitch stream last night. Her cartel kill count is now up to 400+ We are all so very proud of her.

I am entering day five of my protracted people’s war against the manager of my local McDonald’s who refuses to give me a third pack of dipping sauce with my 10 piece McNuggets for free I need each nugget to be fully doused in sauce so it can slide down my throat without me needing to chew it

I’m drinking methane, ethane, propane, butane, pentane, hexane, octane, and nonane, but never HEPTANE

Fun life hack: eat batteries for an immediate energy boost. I prefer Ds personally, but if those are too hard to swallow a handful of AAs work just as well

Very sorry about my niece’s inactivity on Twitch lately. She was shot in the tummy with a cadmium-tipped hollow point round fired from a cartel helicopter in San Diego. This Friday, she will be doing a stream where she gets revenge.

I’m feeling a little hungry, might bite off all my fingers for dinner tonight

I’m thinking about painting myself silver

Consider a fish eating a monkey.

I heard the Bronze Age collapse just hit Winnipeg Manitoba, pray for them

I’ve started calling all my friends “my worms” and when we hang out I call that a “wiggle puddle”. I’m open to licensing these terms to anyone who is interested for great value, hit me up

If you’re ever bored you should try inserting an entire lightbulb into your mouth The game is to try to remove it without breaking the bulb, your teeth, or your jaw Whenever I play this the hours just float on by

We need to normalize getting your dick sucked crazy style by an elderly man with no teeth

Something happened 25 years ago on this day, but I can’t remember it for the life of me

I think I might designate today as “Moe Ottis Day”

Something happened a year ago on this day, it escapes me at the moment

I want to kiss the rabbit from Zootopia. Has anyone else ever felt something like this?

My father knew Obama when he was still in the larval stage and said he was never nothin to look at

My sister killed herself while watching Hoot (2006)

Just split the beef atom for the first time in human history

Just invented a new particle, calling it the “Moeon”. Should expect the Nobel prize to arrive in my mailbox any day now

Just finished listening to “Killing my wife with a hammer” by Godspeed You! Black Emperor. Phenomenal piece of music. Highly recommend.

I’m straight up gumming on a Dilly Bar

Who up rn replicating they mercury

1000 years as mincemeat

The real Jelly Roll died years ago and the current one is a fraud. I know this because Jelly Roll was my COUSIN, and the current one is one of my evil cousins

I can turn fish into ANYTHING

I’m planning on interviewing Red from Angry Birds on what his experience was like having sex for the first time. Have any of you done something like this before? Any tips? Much appreciated

Don’t invite me somewhere if there’s no hepatitis

It’s real now. I chose one of you, not saying who. It knows where you are and will always want to be near you. I hope you enjoy

What if there was an ant the size of a house cat and it had all your memories?

I used to play Angry Birds in real life by grabbing pigeons and pelting them into brick walls so fast that they exploded into a cloud of red mist and feathers. I don’t move like that anymore, but god I fucking miss those days

I just stepped on the frog equivalent of Pol Pot, you can thank me later

Eating cigarettes for breakfast lunch and dinner just as the doctor ordered

Don’t even TRY to serve me a drink unless it has one living and one dead frog in it!

My mother called me a pussy for the first 22 years of my life not even knowing that she had one herself!

I’ve got a lot of things you know? Like today, I was looking at my cockroach and my red sphere.

Things happen to me, and sometimes I happen to things

I’ve got a backpack with an anvil in it that I take to Santa Monica sometimes. The kids love it.

My teeth are made of gold and glass