Sigur Rósé

Getting crumched to pieces

Getting my penis enchanted

I'm not sleeping over at my friend's house ever again. Last time I did that I woke up with all of my organs replaced with paper-mache replicas

Who up misusing their influence

You me as well call me The Stranger on account of me being so strange

Sorry for that outburst yesterday. I didn't have my morning ginger ale.

Nobody: Guy who loves bearing witness: 👀

I'm a side sleeper. I think one of my favorite gcs hates my guts. Pictured below is my homemade Mac and cheese

On paper I should be a happier person. But as we all know, a person can’t live on paper alone

That man there has the gyatt of a small business owner

It probably feels so good to be a double edged sword

My therapist said I'm only allowed to hate myself in 5 minute intervals

This 900 yr old vampire still bewitches his victims the old fashioned way

There's a new option when ordering food from door dash that involves the dasher chewing everything and then baby birding it straight into your mouth. It's a little pricey but I think it's worth it.

When the sour warheads kick in

That Drive of Shame on your first day back to work after some time off is unmatched

Getting a "Checkpoint Reached" pop up in the corner of my vision as soon as my girl unbuckles her pants

I think I'm like within a week or two of getting severely beasted on

Doctor: *checking his clipboard* says here you're experiencing some "pain in your testicles?" Me: Yeah doc. *Switching to a cockney accent* burnt me balls to a crisp, i did. Don't know how...😅😅

Don't you hate it when you meet someone who ends up being an alien who impregnates you with a child whose latent abilities won't manifest until their relatives from space return to conquer earth and now this child has to make a decision between saving or destroying it?

My gf doesn't like when i blackout and start spitting the craziest bars over that pound cake instrumental on youtube

Parents don't even use their critical thinking skills anymore. They just scroll through Instagram and Facebook headlines and look at you like this

They taught that fly to gamble but they have yet to teach it to love me despite all my flaws

How long after sex should I diminish and go into the West and remain Galadriel?

Please, "Mr. Piss Slave" was my father's name. You can call me Rose

For sale. Expired Condom. Never used.

Direct deposit just hit. Bring out your finest jock strapped twink!

I have to fall in love and get married by the end of the year or I lose my kalshi bet

I don't play about my meat to noodle ratios

What came first, the height or Danny devito's personality?

I feel like there's a Guelph (Ontario, Canada) between us

(therapist treating a zoomer) so you're saying that despite not having the courage to talk to her, this "girl with the gyatt" is your "foid for life"...?

(right wing guy learning math for the first time) so I guess even property is trans now

Do women have pouches like kangaroos? And if so can I get in yours?

I'm not a lover or a fighter. I'm the crumbs underneath your floor mat in your car

At night I dream of shiny Glen Powell

I can no longer trust my eyes or my ears or my nose or my sense of taste or my sense of touch

Every first date needs a third party observer

I'm stretched thin, like some kind of watery soup

I've been on the formaldehyde diet for three months and I'm really starting to notice the changes

I have officially aged out of deflecting bullets with my specially crafted katana, imbued with the essence of a spirit of justice. This is a young man's game.

Heavy are the hands that cup the balls

I'm an ineligible bachelor

I'm slowly being chased out for the newer, sleeker model

Yes I know that all of my eggs are in one basket. I'm the one who put them there!

(right wing guy learning math for the first time) so I guess property is trans now?

I feel like charlie brown grew up to be George Costanza

I love flailing my arms around during a crisis