Phil

10 PRINT “Phil is cool! “; 20 GOTO 10 RUN

ME: <briefly looks out of window> TEAMS: *Away*

You’re so Bane You probably broke Batman’s back

You’re so vane You probably indicate the wind direction

You’re so vein You probably carry deoxygenated blood back to the heart

Just switched over to the #OpeningCeremony and my wife now wants a silver wedding dress puffa jacket. And is going to start knitting a mahoosive GB scarf.

Who the hell called them Hot Dogs and not Finger Bangers? #GBBO

🎶 Her name is Lily She was a racer With silver speckles in her hair And a snoot right down to there 🎶

My wife suggested I keep the leftover spare screws and bolts from a recent flat-pack furniture build “just in case we ever need them” and this is like me telling her to remember to blink regularly.

Our holiday cottage front door is giving Clair Obscur vibes #E33 #clairobscur

I found a little gremlin-like creature living under the hotplate in my kitchen. I think it’s a hobgoblin. #LunchPun #Joke

Fucksake, roundabouts are woke now

“Can we go outside and play now?” “Soon, boy.” “You said that ten minutes ago.” “As soon as I finish my cof-“ “Oops.” “You did that on purpose.” “It slipped.” “I’ll get my coat.” “Excellent.”

We had to let our orchestra’s increasingly unreliable percussionist go as there had been repeated complaints of a dull “clink” sound during performances. Sadly it seems he’d been hitting the bottle. #LunchPun #Joke

I invited people to come to my garden and make holes using some lower-leg bones I found, while I supplied booze. It was a lively shindig! #LunchPun #Joke

“The 1st rule of Rules Club is, you do not talk about Rules Club. The 2nd rule of Rules Club is, you DO NOT talk about Rules Club.” … “The 1064th rule of Rules Club is, you do not whistle in morse code about Rules Club. And that’s all we have time for this week. See you next time.”

“I know a retired US Army officer who lives in a public lavatory” “Loo tenant?” “No, he’s a Captain” #LunchPun #Joke

It's Friday, the day all kinds of insanity drops. Before we jump into the dystopian vortex, a palate cleanser. Adorable #turtles to keep you sane. #Testudines #nature #animals #tortoise #cats

My mouse cursor when I come back to my desk with a Word doc open full-screen.

I was stood outside the Nokia office for an hour before I realised it wasn’t an instruction and rang the bell instead. #LunchPun #Joke

My wife’s attempt to embroider my face on a teeshirt was hilarious. I was in stitches! #LunchPun #Joke

Ok, so this was a kick in the guts. #TLOU #TheLastOfUs

You’re not allowed to count things in Afghanistan. It’s because of the tally ban. #LunchPun #Joke

I’m enjoying this The Last of Us tv show. Hey, I reckon it would make a good video game.

Apparently one of the most racist places in England is in the Epping Forest. Don’t look black in Ongar. #LunchPun #Joke

Hey qq, will I enjoy Expedition 33 if I haven’t played Expedition 1 to 32?

Web-based news articles be like: “You’ll NEVER guess what <starlet> wore yesterday!” *scroll* *ad* “Blah blah” *old pic* *scroll* *ad* “Blah blah” *scroll* *ad* “Blah blah” *old pic* *scroll* *ad* “Blah blah” *old pic* *scroll* *ad* “Blah blah” *scroll* *ad* “Blah blah” *pic* “She wore a COAT!”

“Apologies, Mr DiCaprio is running late for his interview as he’s choosing an outfit for his next movie about a ballet dancer.” “Leo tardy?” “No, it’s leggings and a vest.” #LunchPun #Joke

“A letter fell off the NatWest sign in town and someone has artfully hung it on the wall down a back alley.” “Is it a Banksy?” “Don’t be silly, there’s no C in NatWest.” #LunchPun #Joke

Spent most of this morning persuading a stubborn wood pigeon not to build a nest at head height in a small bushy tree in my garden because my bouncy terrier cross-breed will HAVE HER!

“Which parts of swimming pools are generally better for diving in?” - “Deep ends” “On what?” #LunchPun #Joke

The only experience I’ve had with Oblivion is drinking myself into it.

So you’re telling me it’s Wednesday now?!

Graffiti finally seems to be dying out. It’s no surprise really, the writing’s been on the wall for a while now. #LunchPun #Joke

Happy Eaters everyone!

On this day, we should all take some time to consider the true meaning of Easter. Further East.

I’ve watched numerous US shows and movies, and just want to check something: If you’re driving along a relatively quiet road and you see someone standing in the road having a conversation with someone on the pavement, is it obligatory to run them over?

I was angling in a river and managed to simultaneously capture a floating bottle of rum and land a fish. Bacardi net! #LunchPun #Joke

“Tell me about your dog” Nobody had to ask, ever.

I’ve been researching mental health issues as, bizarrely, my food has started talking to me. It could be delusional auditory hallucination, according to my sauces. #LunchPun #Joke

*First time listening to The Smiths* 🎶 Jaunty intro 🎶 “This sounds fun!” 🎶 “Girlfriend in a coma, I know, I know it’s serious” 🎶 “Fucking hell”

“I keep my valuables in a large, cheap, novelty mug which is stored inside a lockbox designed to look like a kitchen appliance.” “Dishwasher safe?” “No, the transfer came off” #LunchPun #Joke

When you get a question right on University Challenge.

I used to sleep on a pile of 45rpm records. It was a single bed. #LunchPun #Joke

Smack my bitch up.🐜 #C64 #Commodore

When I was passed-out drunk, my wife used a needle and ink to draw an indelible boob on my buttock. Next time she was drunk I did the same to her in retaliation. It was tit for tat. #LunchPun

If you can watch this without laughing, you’re dead inside. #LastOneLaughing youtu.be/V9BXwM9HRMc?...

My wife told me she once stole the metal part of a bridle used on the Black Beauty TV show from a Hard Rock Cafe display. I didn’t think she was like that. Bit of a dark horse. #LunchPun #Joke

Danny Dire Wolf

You put a tariff in A tariff out In, out, in, out Shake it all about You do the Hokey POTUS And you turn around That’s what it’s all about Ohhhh noooo the Hokey POTUS…

I can hardly carry any cargo in these pants. Fucking con.