Pounding Quarters

I don't know what to do, I feel so lost. I can't find peace, I can't find love, I cant find myself. I'm drowning in a mind thats both desperate to escape and wants nothing more than to sink.

Having loved ones keeps me going, from committing the worst harm I could possibly commit on them, but everyday gets harder, and I could never speak to them about for fear I would discomfort them and take away a happiness. Every wall, cliff, bullet, abyss, destruction I see becomes ever more tempting

I wish I wasnt who I am, I wish I hadn't lived the way I have, I wish all my thoughts and values and experiences and feeling and notions could be utterly erased and replaced with anything, anything would be better. To even speak of the root of this feeling is deeply embarrassing and shows my feeble.

I try to keep doing things that are good for me both physically and mentally yet the entire time a feeling of pointlessness and worthlessness overwhelms me. People closest to me tell me they're proud and happy with who I am, yet my only take way is that they don't see the burden I bring.

I wake up every morning hating myself so utterly that I can't bare to see myself in the mirror, every moment I'm alone I break down in tears with complete and utter insecurity, I know that if I tried to talk about my issues it would come off as nothing but unimportant and pathetic. I hate who I am.

feeling bad lately, been watching my old dog's health slowly decline, desperately wish i could take time off without risking my pay or job, getting the inexplicable feeling that everything i enjoy is actually bad plus that i should be embarrased for it, and that i shouldnt talk to anyone about it