ProtomanV3

Im pretty sure my band mates talk shit about me behind my back. Like 3 times I've noticed now where I'll say something to one of them and then the next day I'll hear them start joking about similar stuff as if it was some established in- joke, or like they'd been joking about the things I say

And last practice one of them kept light heartedly bringing up ICE in a provoking way. This was like days after I deleted my social media accounts after loudly criticizing their actions. idk the extent, but im just really hoping one of them I feel like I've gotten to know and trust isn't part of it.

I feel like I'm in a constant brink of a mental breakdown lately. I dont know how much longer I can do it all. The constant ups and downs. Not having anywhere to go. I'm not anyone's first choice. No one's life is improved by my being around. I'm just here, and right now im suffering all the whole.

This year has been cataclysmic for me, but I dont feel like I can show that im breaking. Working with someone who actively wanted to ruin my life, who weaponized my insecurities against me, and shattered the ungodly amount of trust I placed in her is draining me past my limit.

I feel like I'm in a constant brink of a mental breakdown lately. I dont know how much longer I can do it all. The constant ups and downs. Not having anywhere to go. I'm not anyone's first choice. No one's life is improved by my being around. I'm just here, and right now im suffering all the whole.

The ups aren't performative, but the lack of downs are. I know people are seeing through the act, but no one cares enough to just show me they're there. That they WANT to be there. I take too much energy to be around, and people slide away as a result. Even my therapist must see me as too much.

I've had all my socials disabled aside from this and snap, and it's pretty cool that basically no one has brought it up. Really makes me want to reactivate them and definitely doesn't feed into my dissociative feelings of just packing up and moving to the other side of the country

I genuinely think the only time ive felt lower than this was friend's suicide and then because I accused [redacted] of cheating when she was literally waving the new guy in my face any chance she got while I was desperately fighting to get her to not

I've had all my socials disabled aside from this and snap, and it's pretty cool that basically no one has brought it up. Really makes me want to reactivate them and definitely doesn't feed into my dissociative feelings of just packing up and moving to the other side of the country

Im taking the time to come up with a new display name. I hate having to change it again, because Protopon stuck for me, but ultimately as long as I know im searchable, my paranoia that my ex and her fiance are stalking me will persist. @p.r.o.t.0.p.one.xe on twitter is now effectively a dead account

Bluesky more or less wipes your trace off their site on a name change, where Twitter i have JUST enough of a following, that there are ways they can find me. I dont have it yet, but I will share it on here when I do. I put out a couple "bait" posts to gage who would be willing to stick around, and

Ultimately, its like my favorite quote ever says: "If it helps put smiles on people's faces, helps them live their lives together... then that's my role in this world." I just want to see people be happy. I know how it feels to be trapped in a ceaseless void, thinking nothing will ever brighten

Dealing in the wake of a narcissist is hard. Going zero communication, I feel like it's punishing for me. Like I cant talk about the stuff that hurts because I know that's feeding them the energy they want out of me. But then it just results in bottling it up and I start suffering in silence.

There is no right way to handle it. If I feed them energy, then im making the problem worse. If I dont talk about it, I build up and hurt in silence. I want a way forward and past the two of them, but there's only stagnation and pain no matter which way I go

Ive had my instagram deactivated for the past 5 months, and you can tell that the Reels algorithm hasn't quite gotten the news yet. Its like 80% "i love my girlfriend she is awesome" and 20% LotR (this part can stay actually.)

I won't lie, I've mostly moved past what happened and have especially moved past the person, but it's really difficult to look at the situation every now and again because all I can do is ask myself why I wasn't good enough. being cheated on fucking sucks because even if you manage to 180 your self

Watched a decent Shirou Emiya video essay earlier, and it put a lot of explanation into why I feel like i do 90% of the time. Survivor's guilt fucking sucks. Never realized how much of *me* is defined by it.

I miss the intimacy. I just want to cuddle up and watch a cute movie with someone again.

I miss just walking around with someone with my hand on her back "guiding" her as she excitedly leads me from machine to machine at a casino. I miss having a leg to gingerly hold during a long drive. I miss that little chuckle when she'd look over, indicating she feels safe with me. I miss stealing