Pugspiracy

When I have something important to say in a meeting.

Mama had some extra ornaments so she Christmassized me.

Me, on a cooking show: "Judges, I have prepared you meatloaf." Judges: "This is burnt." Me: "Judges, I have prepared you meat toast."

Wife: You look concerned. Husband: When aliens flush their toilet does it just FOOM!! shoot out into space? Wife: Probably. And then splats on a rocket. Husband: And the astronaut turns on his wipers and smears it all over. Kids [eating breakfast]: WHAT IS WRONG WITH BOTH OF YOU???

I'm not above playing an imaginary keyboard to end a conversation.

"You okay, Tom?" “I can’t go back there, Charlie.” “What do you mean?" “She never leaves anymore.” “She’s always there.” “I get it." “24 hours a day, every day.” “I understand.“ “She’s started knitting me hats.” “I see.” “FUCKING HATS, CHARLIE.”

I react to the Amazon guy delivering my packages the way geese react to people with bread. Yes I do nip at him as he runs away!

Him: Have you seen my glasses? Me: You’re wearing them. Him: Me: Him: I should probably- Me: I’m on the phone with an adult living facility right now.

An Oldie but a goodie!

How about a clothing store for people over 50 named "Forever Tired"?

ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol? MY ALLERGIST: Get out.

Me: Do we have any dry white wine I can use for dinner? Husband: Me: Ok fine...for my mood

Judge: “How do you plead?” Me: [looks at lawyer] Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”] Me: “Hot milky”

I put Christmas music on in my car at full volume if you were wondering why an angry mob is chasing me

When you realize you left your drink in the kitchen as soon as you lie down on the couch

* me at the mic* thank you all for coming! - our catering team is amazing, so please help yourself to some drinks and some... *𝘴𝘲𝘶𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘴 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘵𝘦𝘳* "whores dwarves"

IN THE STORE SHOPPING: Husband: "Stop singing that!" Me: "But it's festive." Husband: "It is NOT festive." Me: "It's to a festive tune" Husband: "Just stop!" Child in Store going by asking his mom: "Who's Scarface the Blow-Man?"

Plato: “The highest form of knowledge is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another's world.” Me taking notes: 𝘌𝘮𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘺 𝘴𝘩𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘺 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵’𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘮𝘦 𝘴𝘰 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘴?

“I have to ask you, Nancy, is this really the most productive use of your time?”

JEOPARDY HOST: "this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics" ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* "WHAT IS A DOORKNOB"

An oldie but a goodie!

[text] Boss: It's 9:30. Are you planning on coming in today? Me: What? Do we not have National Pickle Day off?

I don't Smork but now I have to

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with: Dearly Beloved:

I got roughed up by Mall Walkers again... send Halp!!

ER: "Let me see, you microwaved your food for too long & burned the inside of your mouth?" Me (mouthful of bandaids): "Yesh!"