The Relevant Organs

Cordially invite Ms. Zacharia to return to China where specialist cadres will be delighted to escort her on an inspection tour of certain provincial toilets.

PANDA FACT: Zoological research shows that Pandas thrive when national security secrets are loudly discussed in their vicinity.

We said we might be into it but asked to borrow some F35s and Virginia class attack subs for test drives first. Happy to provide a credit card number if you need a security deposit.

EXPERTS: Summit happened.

ANALYSTS: America’s serial ideological purges of top military officers have thinned the upper ranks of talent.

A few vigorous struggle sessions and ten years in an unheated northern prison eating broken-rice and cockroach gruel would strengthen comrade Fetterman's political loyalties conspicuously. It worked on our uncles.

Central government of the People's Republic of China reported to have no official position on Hasan Piker.

Long live invincible Mao Zedong thought.

Welcome to Bluesky. Please familiarize yourself with the following paramount leaders to understand the range of opinions it is acceptable to express.

How many dashes does that take, comrade? Do you have enough or did you already use them up on Greenland?

Our mistresses’ lapdogs are having their anuses waxed on whatever day comrade Colby is available, and we have to be there for moral support. Bad luck.

NEWS: Candidate for Senator of US province of Maine, Graham Platner, reveals new tattoo.

We wish! We‘ve tried honeypots. Polish sausage. Crates of Malort. Sometimes all at once. Nothing yet. www.cnn.com/2026/07/02/u...

Shrimp widely considered third most bourgeois shellfish, after oysters and whelks.

Renovated reflecting pool in Washington, DC expected to draw admirers from countless nations and territories.

NEWS IN PHOTOS: China’s President Xi Jinping greets foreign dignitary.

Brb. Sending our mistresses to Hong Kong for a week of shopping and draining all the hot tubs in Beijing for “maintenance.”

Plan for Bolivarian States of America welcomed.

We don't understand. What good are judges that aren't political actors?

“Military grade venting” is what happens to us when we eat too much Guizhou cuisine.

JD Vance widely considered “most influential” American Vice President.

BREAKING: President Trump unveils "triumphal arch" design for US capital of Washington, DC.

Our compounding pharmacies make effective medications for premature victory. Fax us for a price list. No prescription required!

Glad to hear it! How are the opium prices these days?

Honestly, this is what we’ve always called it around the office.

“Important new job in the private sector” is a euphemism for “remanded to a black prison,” right? Like when we say “invited for tea” but mean “interrogated.”

We’re reluctant to say this about capitalist propaganda organ The Economist, but… Fact check: True.

SPONSOR MESSAGE: Ass kicked by Iran? Laobaigan! Remember: "When the shit hits the fan, there's always Laobaigan!"™

American friends strongly urged to never mention Sun Tzu again.