River Side Casino

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One of the nice things about our employee graveyard is that we give our staff the option to dig their own grave

We threw that kid off our casino floor after his 15th jackpot.

We keep warning guests to not buy their weed from the ghosts in the stairwell. It's not our fault when they don't listen.

If the wicker man at our fall festival catches on fire, it will be purely accidental.

We're still waiting for confirmation about whether Vivek Ramaswamy will be joining our marketing team.

Our website is secure and was not hacked by that PHP vulnerability. We intended to send those thinly-veiled death threats to everyone in our customer database.

Due to popular demand our lice check has been extended for all guests

Sadly, there is not much we can do about the odors and apparitions plaguing the east wing, as it was built atop an ancient mushroom burial ground.

Beginner’s luck is a phenomenon we’re trying to stop

Be warned. The River Witch's Halloween costume is Olympic breakdancer Raygun. Wear the same costume to the casino and you will suffer generational tragedies as well as an uncomfortable week of genital itching.

River Side Trivia: Every year we serve as many shrimp as live off the coast of Maine.

We’re not sure if that’s a sasquatch in our sauna or a person in a sasquatch costume, but we do believe that every creature has the right to a good sweat.

"A casino's books must be as honest as the day is long if your business is going to thrive. In 1923, our governess Edeltraud revealed to my brother and I the Hidden Truths." Charles River, founder, River Side Casino

Dear local goths, if you’re going to have sex in the employee graveyard please pick up your hairspray bottles

All guests 95 or older can sign up for our Lifetime of Free Soup program.

You'll never guess who we just hired in our legal department!

Come be amazed at what celebrities are not allowed to buy at River Side Casino!

Oops had one stuck in our drafts folder: RIP Kenny Rogers. Looks like you didn’t know when to run.

★ Review "A woman in the sauna told me she's been awake for 34 years." Ruth M., Dearborn Heights, MI

Many of the herbs, spices, and meats served in our restaurants are conjured right here on the property.

★★ Review "Walked in with $500, went home with $20. It's like the casino always wins or something." Calvin N., Youngstown, OH

Las Vegas learned a valuable lesson in what happens when you skip a ritual sacrifice. No floods at RIver Side Casino.

We’re no longer the #3 most cited reason for divorce in the Midwest!

How many other casinos can boast having free HBO?

It says something about the state of the world that there is no Nobel Prize for best casino.

This Sunday, come witness our Chief Security Officer and Casino Chaplain, Rocco, demonstrate the healing powers of the mud flats.

We're thinking about hosting one of those comic cons next year. There's a guy who lives around here who has a pretty big collection. Mostly Archie and Little Lulu.

Stop comparing drug addiction and gambling addiction. It is not helping us bring in new addicts

It’s the law! If you give birth on the casino floor, your baby will be immediately arrested for underage gambling. It’s the law!

New on our menu: Steak Deanne, our chef's take on Steak Diane. It is, however, named after his "Gorgon of a sister-in-law," something to consider before ordering.

The local news really likes to exaggerate the truth about our CMO's recent run-in with the Department of Wildlife. To set the record straight, the bats living in her hair are not rabid.

It's sad to think that if we ever went out of business, this place would very quickly become a data center.

It's Banned Books Week at River Side Casino! We have dusted off our Naked Lunch, Lolita, and The Perks of Being a Wallflower slot machines.

The Lynyrd Skynyrd original band reunion scheduled for next weekend is expected to smell terrible.

We never really gave the phrase "Who watches the watchmen?" much thought until our auditor was arrested for check kiting.

The latest merch is now in our gift shop. Drop in for a shot glass, pill holder, mouse pad, or blood offering.

We will be debuting the Eminem and Kid Rock track on the casino floor today. VIP players can pick up their earplugs at the main desk.

Let's celebrate some of the Big Winners from the past hour: Max S — $10 win Tina H — $14.37 win Oscar L — $6 win Terry T — $31.29 win Amanda F — $3.17 win Sonia A — $22 win

Looking for some extra gambling money? You only need one eye to look at your cards.

Patrons who come to our casino wearing those "smart glasses" must promise not to use them to cheat at gambling.

Have you experienced the living death? If not, gamble harder.

The feral cats can’t set fires with their minds. That’s just a rumor started by the feral cats.

Remember, it's not gambling, it's healing your inner child.

★★★ Review "Won $1K playing blackjack (yay!), then backed into a lamp post in the parking lot and didn't want wife to know I was gambling so I said I'd been rear-ended on the highway but then she found the receipt from the casino and moved to her sisters (boo)." Clancy S., Davenport, IA

If you simply cannot wait for the new Star Wars movies, many of our slot machines sound like R2-D2 or BB-8 getting cattle prod shocks to their little droid genitals.

Roulette is considered as addictive as cocaine. Come try it if you don’t believe us. Your first bet is on us.

For your safety, we are now triple washing our lettuce. As a result, we have had to completely stop washing other foods, but y’all like to gamble, don’t you?

We had to stop celebrating Jim Henson's birthday at River Side Casino because of all the puppets we'd find drowned in the duck pond the next morning.

New in our lost & found: —One (1) Tupperware container filled with pennies —Index card with a recipe for mashed potatoes, with the words "DO NOT MAKE. REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO NATHAN, HE STILL GETS SEISURES" [sic] written at bottom —Eyeglass case, empty

Please don’t gamble if you’re dead. The gaming commission keeps giving us fines.