Scott Handelman

Just saw someone with the license plate ALFA WLF and I threw up a bit in my mouth.

Car rental agencies: If you return a car with anything less than a full tank of gas, we will take you for everything you're worth. Also car rental agencies: Here's an electric car with a 20% charge! Enjoy!

My elder daughter has been doing fencing for 6 years. Now the younger daughter is begging for archery lessons. I suppose it *would* be nice to have both a melee and ranged expert in the party.

One of my coworkers had to take a harmonica away from one of her students. I'm just sorry that the kid felt sad about the confiscation and now had no way to express it.

Instead of hiring a big star to play Odysseus, if they truly wanted to go for accuracy, they should have hired some Nobody.

I want to see a movie that is the exact opposite of Slumdog Millionaire, in which a guy keeps running into situations in real life that require him to use the knowledge he got wrong on a game show.

Horse and buggy rides around the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool have reportedly been cancelled for the foreseeable future.

I bought a movie about gold mining but unfortunately it was in pan and scan.

"I just got back from the DC area." "Oh, cool, did you see the Octagon?" "You mean the Pentagon?" "No."

The thumbs of a champion thumb wrestler are technically unopposable.

With The Odyssey, Christopher Nolan is moving from his sci-fi era into his psi-phi era.

What the heck is up with this connect the dots?

Had to do a double take on this shirt.

I'm with my family at Disney at the Polynesian Village Resort and their parking sign says "Poly Resort." I don't know, Disney, I don't think that's the same thing.

Every time it tells me no, I find myself liking the app a bit more.

It's weird to think about the fact that The Grinch is canonically miniscule.

Marty Supreme is just Ernest Borgnine with sour cream and diced tomatoes.

I came home and my daughter was working on drawing a giant Fibonacci spiral. She had taped a bunch of pieces of graph paper together and said she had been at it for two hours. I asked her why she had done this and she said "No reason." On a scale of 1 to Uzumaki, how concerned should I be?

Which man are you?

Tchaikovsky: And then Clara falls asleep and is attacked by a mouse king and there's a huge battle and the Nutcracker sacrifices himself to save her and then is brought back to life and they live happily ever after! Financier: And in Act II? Tchaikovsky: Oh, uh, umm...big dance party I guess?

I think I would make a good fourth responder. "Oh, hey, looks like you all have this taken care of, let me know if you need anything."

Can't wait to whisper to the person sitting next to me during Hamnet "I bet that's his second favorite bed."

What's funny is, I can't imagine the current administration erupt in applause in cheers over what they can give to the American people. I can only imagine them cheering over what they can take away.

I overheard a science teacher at my school ask his students to start their "relative dating" worksheet and I just want to be up front and say I do not support this.

I was bitten by an Irish rabbit. Now I have turaluraluralemia.

There are three original shows on Apple TV+ that are all five letters starting with S. The shows, starring Colin Ferrell, Tarin Egerton, and Owen Wilson, together form a crossword clue for CANDY CIGARETTE. What are the three shows?

Confession: when I see the word "misled" I will pronounce it in my head as "my-zuhld" before I realize what the word is. Every damn time.

Sitting in a parking lot, playing my favorite game, "Kids or Feet?"

I'm just a simple man, a simple man who gets pumped when the gunfire in a movie trailer matches the beat of the song playing.

Below is a Google Trends for searches of what term in the last 12 months?

I'm not sure her estate approved this celebrity endorsement.

I scheduled a large gathering in early May for people into hitting two wooden sticks together, ClaveCon, so this is about to get confusing.

We had three 12-13 year old boys at our house on Friday and my wife didn't know how much tweenage boys eat when ordering dinner and now we have enough Chinese food for a week. I think she was using her brother (who was basically a human vacuum as a child) as a reference point.

If only I had a few bombs in my inventory, I would know all of Jimmy John's secrets...

My wife barely has a sense of smell and today she referred to herself as "Smellin' Keller" and it's all I can think about.

My school announced that the prom theme is "La La Land" but I'm kinda hoping they're going to switch it to a "Moonlight" theme at the last minute.

I have invented a vaccine for shortness. Unfortunately, it requires several boosters.

Every rerun of This American Life: Me: Oh, that was a cute story. Ira Glass: Hi, just popping in. All those people are dead now.

Got to check something off the bucket list today.

My wife (family practice doctor) told me she got 100% patient satisfaction last month for the first time. That's 10/10 in every category from every patient polled. I don't even know how that's possible.

I enjoyed Flow greatly. That said, it had a comically ridiculous number of company logos before it began. I started actively groaning to make my kids laugh when I thought it was close to being done, and then there were like 5 more.

A really fun week for Connections. Not too hard puzzles and a lot of clever writing. This video exemplifies why COQL is my favorite trivia league. youtu.be/UxQTSxCtWsU?...

Watching "Ripley" and there are a lot of great things about the show, but the sound design in particular is next level. There's an elevator in episode 5 that moans almost like a living being.