Scott Clevenger

MEANWHILE, AT THE WILDEST MOTEL CHAIN IN THE OLD WEST... "We're checkin' in!" "No vacancy!" [BLAM!] "Don't you be giving me no hot lead looks, kid. We're here with the Ugly Sidekicks Convention and I made these reservations weeks ago! Check under 'Scabby'."

Just in case you ever wondered what the Hollywood Bowl looked like from Bugs Bunny's perspective in LONG-HAIRED HARE (1949).

MAN: Back, foul beast, or I shall stab thee! FOUL BEAST: Ssssorry, I jusssst wanted to mention that the young lady’sss brasssiere makesss her breassst look like the face of a cartoon duck.

HER: Why don't ya wanna marry me, Fred? HIM: Aw don't take it personal, Molly. I'm jes' lookin for something more in a wife. HER: WHAT more? I got long legs, child-bearing hips, an' I come fully breasted! HIM: True, but I've always been something of a taint man, an' yours is a little below average.

You always knew it was autumn in the 90s when Posh, Scary, Sporty, Baby, and Ginger would welcome, for a limited time, Pumpkin Spice.

Whaleface

“Ew! Get away!” “I’m just tryin’ to tackle you!” “STOP BULLYING ME!” “Look, it’s nothing personal—“ “STRANGER DANGER!”

This is true in a way that's still burned deep into my memory and tastebuds. In 96 I drove from NJ to CA. In Bismarck, ND, the "Mexican" restaurant spelled their menu phonetically, e.g. "TACO (Tah-coe)...BURRITO (Boo-REE-toe)". And that was a BIG city!

Todd and Janice awoke from suspended animation in the year 3000 and found humanity extinct and the earth populated by mutant cockroaches and ruled with an iron fist by “Lefty”, the old Hamburger Helper mascot.

THIS WEEK ON FIGHTIN' FONTS! IT'S CROSS and CRESCENT in the Battle of the Medieval Wingdings!

The Nurse was Juliet. The Surgeon was Romeo. The Patient was Bob, who waited like six hours for his rhinoplasty before he realized his surgical team were emotionally immature drama queens who poisoned and stabbed themselves the night before and he should probably just reschedule.

HER: NO, Buck! Don't go in there! He's already killed two men! HIM: It's true he killed the Rough and the Tough...but I'VE got a surprise for him!

HIM: Your armpit electrolysis is healing nicely, Helen, but I must ask you to not smoke in here. HER: Why? It's sexy! HIM: Your roommate Mrs. Maitland went flying through the window when her oxygen tent exploded. They found her two blocks away, confused and smoldering, on the roof of the Food King.

“Shoot it, Jenkins! SHOOT IT!” “No! Ick! I don’t WANNA shoot it!” “Don’t go all pacifist on me NOW, man! It’s got my GUN!” “Yeah but it’s all Jello-y an' stuff! What if it SQUIRTS?!”

Everybody enjoyed the hilarious ableism of Mr. Magoo, until he was inevitably milkshake ducked as a Nazi collaborator.

I realize this is just another one of those stupid ghost hunter shows, but this guy looks like a Hippie saying the most Hippie thing ever.

"I did not hit her! I did not! Oh hi, Marx." - Ben Shapiro, Screenwriter

DOC: BEHOLD! My PITS! GUARD: AUGH! WTF?? DOC: Aren't you here for the daily pit inspection? GUARD: That's not a thing. DOC: But I shaved! Does not their baby-smooth softness and dewy complexion EXCEED your EXPECTATIONS? GUARD: I actually wasn't expecting your pits. DOC: SURPRISE!

Attention Incels!

"Mr President, Gettysburg Address?" "No, but I got his number." 🥁 I'm here all week.

“That’s it, Officer, THAT'S the vagina that attacked me! It REPEATEDLY made cutting remarks about my hairline and golf handicap and now I can’t even walk past the steno pool without it snickering and blowing raspberries!”

No apology needed or accepted! If it worked for CATS as a slogan, it'll work for Pulp: Now and Forever.

Not internet right?? He internets the BEST.

DOC: Hang on, Skip! We overcame the Yellow Cloud and bested the Men of Fear, but now comes the REAL challenge: Surviving the Iron Nipple!

The worst Disney film is--without question and without debate--Disney's The Black Hole. Accept No Substitutes: clevenger.substack.com/p/disneys-th...

Well I'm not surprised, what with that saucy Come Hither look, and the way she trowels on the Maybelline like JD Vance.

Ohhh CRAP! It's caught in my retainer!

Am I the only one who looks at this and sees those twin fairies with their shrill singing voices trying to cajole Mothra to get off its fat ass and go deal with Godzilla?

HIM: It jus' don't figger. I stopped you from markin' them trees. I kicked over that stone arrow you built showing our path. And I caught you leaving that trail of bread crumbs. So HOW are them fellers still trackin' us? HER: Ooh these cramps... HIM: What? HER: Oh! Uh...Nothing!

New Slumgullion! On this episode of America's Only Podcast™, Jeff sells Scott on Digger, while Scott drills down to the squeaky wire rack in Jeff's soul to sell him on sampling Lanterns. Plus, bonus Halloween streaming suggestions! slumgullionpodcast.blogspot.com/2026/10/slum...

As a warrior, Bran Mak Morn was pretty useless. He couldn't ride a horse, his sword was just for show. But he was the one hero you could count on when suffering from occasional irregularity. Many bloated people have cheered his battle cry, "I'm part of this complete breakfast!"

HIM: Excuse me? Miss? HER: What the—? Oh! Uh….Yes? What do you want? HIM: I’m really sorry to bother you, but if it’s not too much trouble could you just reach up there and toss me my bra?

"A Bride's Confession: I murdered my husband (by getting him hooked on unfiltered coffin nails). And it only took 30 years! I was playing the long game & that's what made it the perfect crime. If you're gonna kill somebody, do it the Grecian Formula way--so gradually that people hardly even notice!"

🎶New York, London, Paris, Thibet Everybody thalk about Pop muthic Thalk about Pop muthic 🎶

"Say, Darlene, who's your hairdresser?" "Chef Boyardee! The Beefaroni curbs your appetite, while the cans curl your hair!"

In case you missed it... I saw Digger and I have thoughts.

I tried Top Ramen, but ultimately found I preferred a more submissive noodle soup.

I asked her, "Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?" She took me down a dark alley to a bad part of town...

New Slumgullion! On this episode, Jeff sells Scott on Digger and does an energetically weird job of it, while Scott drills down to the squeaky wire rack in Jeff's soul to sell him on sampling Lanterns. Plus, bonus Halloween streaming suggestions! slumgullionpodcast.blogspot.com/2026/10/slum...

www.tiktok.com/t/ZTygom2py/

ME: It's strange...The longer you hold onto it, the harder it is to let it go. MY WIFE: Love…? ME: No, urine.

HER: Don’t DANCE with the thing, Daryl! KILL it! Oh, for; the love'a—do I have to do EVERYthing around this goddamn planet?

Remains of the Day of the Dead

AIIEEEEE! Holy SHIT, what did I just step on?! Shit shit SHIT, it went right through my fucking foot! Somebody call 9-1-1! Get some Neosporin! Who left this fucking thing in the yard??

NATIVE: What do you think? SAILOR: Well I'm just a Pharmacist's Mate, not a dentist, but yeah that's an abscess. I'd suggest we lance and drain it. HER: What about me? SAILOR: I'm sorry, ma'm. Maybe if we'd caught it earlier... but I'm afraid you have Stage 4 Bette Davis Eyes.

Wow. It's rare you see a man condemn HIMSELF to Hell. 📽️