scatman malm

Moots apply below pls 🥰 📊 Algorithms 🗣️ Engagement trends 🪞 Meta commentary 💭 My progressive political echo chamber 💡 Scrolling in search of a purpose 🏋️‍♀️ Struggling to form authentic connections with others 👩‍⚖️ Being judged solely by what media properties I like 🐉 Magic: the Gathering #promosky

A tragedy in 3 words: bowl - not microwaveable

Happy Danny DeVito / POW-MIA Remembrance Day

Could a dolphin be a furry?

You like big naturals yet you dislike big business. Curious.

Flipping my **** around like a butterfly knife at the urinal

Mr. Beast coast-to-coast funeral procession / scavenger hunt

I'm excited for Swingers Sunday at my game store tonight. I'm mathematically guaranteed to get a new partner.

Marry wife fuck guns kill God

A toilet seat you can leave halfway down so it's fair for everyone

Mark my words, I WILL find a way to deliver milk and cereal in one convenient package.

Old man with spaghetti sauce all over his shirt ☹️

My family needs me now, but I'm in the future

The "woke" can pry this album from my cold dead hands

Why hasn't someone designed a toilet that can't get skidmarks? We have the technology.

Having phone sex with the Halo announcer

Betting on Polymarket about when the DVD logo hits the corner

They got rid of the penny because woke

Hey! Nice checkered Vans. They really match your loaded key carabiner and side-swept bangs. And that I Heart Boobies wristband. So random! Haha. Anyways, weird question, but do you like emo music?

Pet peeve: recipes that tell me to use the middle oven rack. That's the default, guys. You think I'm gonna shuffle that shit around without you asking?

I've started looking both ways before crossing the street. I used to only look one direction but I learned the way that this doesn't cover all of my bases.

To become fully enlightened, you must mog the Buddha

All my EDH decks are the same vibe. Kardur but make it johnny. Rocco but make it johnny. Grothama but make it johnny. I am incapable of changing.

Did you know there are more vapes in the ocean than fish?

In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except being unalived and govt resubs.

Just found J.D. Vance's full name is Joy Division Vance 😩😩😩

She Thrummed on my Stone til I Rippled 4.

Thongs and eyepatches should cost roughly the same, but they DON'T!

Their names are Plasma and Platelet

My crew Beyblade, we all tops

Embrace Your Unique Male Personality Type

there should be a middle blinker you can use to indicate to other drivers that you are continuing in a straight line

My 2026 Predictions: * New FIFA game * A new TikTok trend emerges * The Hunter Biden laptop bombshell is revealed * The Storm arrives

Nobody is getting struck by lightning three times in their life anymore. Probably because kids don't play outside anymore!

Dream blunt rotation: Björk Nathan Fielder Snoop David Lynch Vsauce guy

Heathcliff is to Linux as Garfield is to Windows

Mayan Advent Calendar™️

A Moss Landing treasure

Alright it's time to come clean: I originally popularized the whole 67 thing

Hatsune Miku? You mean Crazy Frog's girlfriend?

I'm what's known 'round here as a cookie collector. I surf the worldwide web collecting cookies of all kinds. I've got session cookies, persistent cookies, analytics cookies, and of course first-party and third-party cookies. When I accidentally cleared my cache in 2023 I almost k*lled myself.

There is no need to reinvent the wheel. However, the hubcap has been reinvented no fewer than four times. So you can obviously still make bank on this idea.

Save the Rainforest Café, but also save the actual Rainforest.

I'm getting served a lot of fetish skeets all of a sudden 😳 Not sure what signals I gave off that I want adult baby content but I take them all back.

I am a hypermasculine and extremely powerful alpha male. As such my greatest fears are seed oils, rainbows, people who don't look like me being on TV, and preventative medicine. I cannot explain any of these fears and consider that to be your fault.

An accord has been struck

Sharks, today I have for you TRANSITIONAL CONTACT LENSES