realSGW

Did someone call his number Then give the wheel a spin I can't believe they want him back To fuck it up again The world's a cage, the bars are bent the gods have cut and run The skies are filled with glory boys and other cosmic scum ~Karma Kamikazes ~Sarah Kernochan

There’s no delay of the Epstein files. They’re all here:

Am I the best looking man here? No. Do I have the best personality? Definitely not. But do I wake up every morning determined to be better than I was yesterday? Also no.

One day, long, long ago, there was this person who, surprisingly, was not full of shit. But this was a long time ago... and it was just one day. The End

I laid awake last night wondering who was qualified enough to teach the first college student.

Sea salt is great and all, but why don't you ever see lake salt or river salt? Oh right... because of salt water. Stay in school, kids.

As all good heroes of both Time and Space know, when the fate of the universe is at stake, you make do with what you have on hand.

Quote of the day: “I just need a little space,” -an astronaut

I have a question for all you mind readers out there.

Why the hell is the orange clown selling cars at the White House when he should be out playing golf at one of his clubs?

My feelings exactly!!!

My top three assumptions when the doorbell rings: 1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

When you're too stupid to get the joke.

100% True. Trump is pathetic!!!

Personally, MY luggage favorite is the briefcase from Pulp Fiction. WHAT was in there?!?! Gold? Souls? Twinkies? A six-pack of Diet Coke? WHAT?

Good morning to everyone out there except the guy who makes some parts of movies too quiet and some parts too loud.

I’m writing a British romantic comedy. It’s called: I can’t spell ‘Favourite’ without U

We thought the zombies were gone - until they re-emerged in the bodies of republicans. Mostly in the bodies of Congresspeople. That pretty much explains their brainless assault on the constitution. Now that we know that the zombie apocalypse is truly upon us, remember rule number 2: Double-tap

Wife: [signing divorce papers] I’m sorry I ever married you Me: Apology accepted

Where would we be without pets? Probably still right here but it would be a lot lonelier.

Hello. I am a scientist. My science findings show scientifically that dinosaurs are not all dead, science-wise. Birds are essentially dinosaurs. But jurassic park would've really sucked if they went in that direction. Well, have a great day. Don't forget: i am a scientist.