Sir Michael

A message to the trolls who disrupted my TikTok Live about bugles last night: THE INITIAL TITLE WAS A TYPO. Once I'd made that clear, all your questions should have been exclusively about BUGLES. You should NOT have continued asking me questions about the 1980s band The Buggles for the next 6 hours

My one criticism of The Traitors is that it's based on the crime of murder. That's too extreme. We could maintain the same sense of lawless fun by instead having the traitors commit much smaller acts of criminality like loitering or using unlicensed software.

“Don't shoot the messenger” is not extensive enough advice on how to treat messengers. Don't make fun of messengers' hair either. Don't tickle them without their consent. Don't tell messengers who was banished on Traitors before they've seen it. There's so many things you shouldn't do to messengers.

The letters N, S, E and W have been the compass points for long enough. Here are the changes I would make to freshen things up

Here are my suggestions for how to punish Manchester City

If I had been asked to edit "She Loves You" by The Beatles

A strong belief of mine is that all TV shows and films should end with a character saying the title of the show. This would make every ending distinct and memorable. Here's how I would alter the ending to Friends and Home Alone 2.

Here are my top 3 business ideas for September 2026. Please don't steal them and become a billionaire.

The Manchester derby marks the most wholesome day in the Premier League season. These two cross-city rivals will both try their best to win but whoever loses, they're equally happy at seeing their lovable neighbours get the 3 points instead. "Yay for Manchester!" they'll say 💙❤️

Are there downsides to AI? Yes. But there are even more positives: CONS -Makes everything more expensive -Will kill us all PROS -AI is easy to spell -Summarises texts for some reason -We were all going to die sometime anyway See? 3 pros and only 2 cons. Hopefully this assuages everyone's concerns

Time to settle this age-old debate once and for all

If I coached a football team, I'd have one test for any prospective player: show them a picture of a football and ask them to identify it. If they didn't know, I'd cancel the deal. If you don't know what a football is, you're not ready to play for this club. Come back when you've done some research.

The words STATIONARY and STATIONERY are often mixed up. Here's a way you can easily remember which is which.

Looks like yet another season in which Premier League matches are not being paused in the 79th minute for a respectful silence to commemorate the destruction of Pompeii in 79AD. I've given them the benefit of the doubt for a long time but at this stage it's starting to look downright callous.

Thought of an amazing concept for a new sitcom! It's called Roger and Rodger. It's packed with hilarity but, most importantly, it delves into the universal poignancy of two friends who have similar names. Here's page 1 of the pilot episode.

The fool (you) rushes outside to see the partial solar eclipse today but the wise man (me) relaxes inside because he knows that the more satisfying experience of a full solar eclipse is coming in September 2090.

My greatest skill? Probably my ability to hear a person's name and then devise fun and clever nicknames for them. For example, here are my best nicknames for a person named James Verylargehead: - Jim - Jimmy - JV - Jimbo - Jimster And those only took me about thirty-five minutes to come up with.

WARNING: Local youths in the park are terrorising charcuterie board fans with vicious insults. They were highly critical of my vegetable to cured meats ratio and said that my choice of cheeses was “ill-considered.” PLEASE STAY SAFE BY EATING YOUR CHARCUTERIE ELSEWHERE UNTIL THEY HAVE BEEN STOPPED.

There are lots of interesting facts about the Titanic. But there are plenty of uninterestings ones too, which, imo, are equally important to know.

This post is a great lesson to young, up-and-coming posters. Not every post works out. You're going to have unsuccessful moments in your posting career. But what matters is that you learn from it, get back to your workstation and try to deliver a high quality post for the fans next time out.

Cheese graters are not just for grating cheese! They've got lots of other uses: 1. Stand on it to make yourself appear slightly taller 2. Help a friend to appear taller by letting them stand on it Okay, seems there's only two. I thought there'd be hundreds. My mistake. Please disregard this post.

These are all top notch. Would binge immediately.

We need new TV detectives. Here are my three ready-to-go ideas. If any TV bigwigs want to commision these shows, please get in touch

I've put together a quick study guide for anyone who's got an important upcoming exam about Neptune. Hope this helps.

If any other teachers out there are having trouble getting their students to use correct grammar when writing, feel free to use this easy-to-remember guide I've put together. I got my students to memorise it and now they're following it to the letter 👍

I don't want to criticise online bakers (many of whom I respect) but one trend I dislike is when they use “tsp” and “tbsp” in the same recipe. Yes, it's nice to add variety to the wording of your recipe but since they mean the same thing, you should pick one and just stick with it.

So glad I'm not a referee at this World Cup b/c I wouldn't know what to do during hydration breaks. I'm not gregarious enough to chat with the players but I'm too cool to be seen hanging out with the assistant refs. Ultimately I'd maybe just take my phone out and pretend to be texting or something.

My solution to the Balogun controversy? He can play but he must carry a plate of hors d'oeuvres throughout. If he drops any, he's sent off again. Belgian players are allowed to eat the appetisers but one of them contains poison. If a Belgian player dies from food poisoning, Balogun is sent off again

Here's my summary of Armageddon (1998), which I consider to be Hollywood's last great masterpiece

My idea to spice up the World Cup? The World Cup Mole. Before each match, both teams get to plant a secret saboteur in the opposing team's starting eleven. Nobody knows who the mole is. Although there are some suspicions among the French players about their newly arrived left-back Sven Olofsson.

Penalties are looking distinctly possible in this match so here's a quick recap of the new penalty shootout rules for the 2026 World Cup.

My conspiracy theory on why no World Cup matches have been played at the same time so far? There's only one ball and it's transported to each venue between matches. FIFA doesn't want you to know that if a 2nd ball isn't found in time for tomorrow's simultaneous games, the tournament gets cancelled.

Always makes me laugh when I see people who are only discovering Lionel Messi now. It's like, where have you been, lol?! Hardcore fans like me have known about him from as far back as 2023.

My least favourite thing in the World Cup? When a team scores a goal. It's so selfish. It hurts the feelings of opposing players, embarrasses them and damages their confidence. Awful. If I was a coach, I'd forbid my team from scoring. "Stop scoring goals. Start considering other people's feelings."

Seeing a lot of criticism for the World Cup hydration breaks and I must vent my fury too. They shouldn't just be for water. There should be picnic tables and sandwiches for the players to sit down and enjoy each other's company. They should last two hours. The player who makes the most friends wins.

I could no longer hold my tongue on this issue

OMG! Major punctuation error in section 3.8 of the new Adobe Acrobat Reader terms and conditions! (Have been offline for the last few hours so sorry if this has already been discussed)

Very excited for the return of House of the Dragon! It's been off air since 2024 so here's a quick catch-up on everything I remember from the first two seasons: - Some blond people said various things - Dragon fight, maybe? - The Lumon employees have had their personalities "severed" somehow

Arsenal may have lost the Champions League final but thanks to the earlier kick-off time this year, their players will be able to go to bed early and get a full night's sleep - unlike the teams who've lost all the previous finals. Hope their manager reminded them of that to cheer them up afterwards.

Heatwaves like this are the perfect way for me to separate true soup fans from the casuals who claim to love soup but only have it in winter. If you're not chowing down on a lovely vegetable soup for lunch in this 30°C weather, YOU ARE A FRAUD and your invitation to SoupCon 2027 just got revoked.

It's been an eventful day

The question I get asked most? “What are your top 4 Thursdays of 2007, Michael?” Easy: 1. Thursday, May 17th 2. Thursday, November 1st 3. Thursday, March 29th 4. Thursday, September 20th And don't anyone come at me to say Thursday the 5th of July should be included. That Thursday was so overrated.

Time for my review of 2026

Were these films named correctly or incorrectly? After much consideration, here are my definitive assessments

Okay, just wanted to jump on quickly and do a Q&A about hantavirus. I know there's a lot of speculation out there but hopefully I can clarify a few details and maybe put people's minds at ease

If I was a footballer, I could easily think of ways to get out of playing matches: 1. Dental appointment (check-up) 2. Dental appointment (cleaning) 3. Someone stole my shoes 4. Working on an unsolved murder case from 2007 It's easy, guys. Make up 38 excuses and you can take the whole season off.