Call me Tim

archive.orgSix to Eight Black Men David Sedaris : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet ArchiveSix to Eight Black Men by David Sedaris

11 Nov 2024

Christmas is coming. Here is a fun story for you. I hope you’ll enjoy it. archive.org/details/SixT...

Call me Tim reposted

Union Thug™️

@theunionthug.bsky.social

💯

World Series. Which team do you like to win? We have Tampa Bay Rays and Milwaukee Brewers. Both teams have the best regular season records in their respective leagues. Neither has won a World Series. I’m leaning Brewers. Don’t know why. I would normally favor the American League. This is different.

I guess we don’t have too many baseball fans hanging around here. 😛⚾️

I voted this morning. I hope you’ll vote early as well! You can probably guess which way I cast my votes.

I still get unsolicited text messages from the likes of Ken Paxton and Greg Abbott. What they don’t know is that they’re barking up the wrong tree. They’re not even in the right forest. Poor, dumb sons of bitches.

Hey, Texas voters: tomorrow (10/19) is the first day of early voting. Get out there and cast your votes, please and thank you.

Jesus turned water into wine. My super power is turning wine into urine. Ta dah!

Help me square the circle. Greg Abbutt (I can make up names, too) claims Gina Hinojosa voted to raise property taxes in the Texas House. Abbutt also runs an ad saying that only local districts can do that. Make that make sense, Abbutt.

youtu.beElvis Costello & The Attractions - (What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love And UnderstandingYouTube video by ElvisCostelloVEVO

For all the young people, please listen to this song and know that we old people already had this on our RADARs. I hope you young people will enjoy this. Thank you. youtu.be/Ssd3U_zicAI?...

A reminder: If the Yankees win, Satan wins.

I’m an atheist, so you know I’m serious when I offer a prayer. Here goes: “O, Balk, God of baseball, please bless the Texas Rangers and curse the Astros. O, Balk, thou knowest that the Astros are cheaters and are thus undeserving of a division win. Amen and play ball!” Yeah. I’m superstitious. 🤪

I think a good investment right now would be in the companies that make gas station signs. They need to add a digit.

Which one of you upset Door? Listen to me, please. Door is very fragile and certain conduct can alarm Door. Whoever alarmed Door should be shamed and embarrassed. Don’t let this happen again, you weirdos! I’m going now to buy Door a hot cocoa for the nerves.

You want to know what I miss? I miss a boring government. I don’t want to go to bed worrying about what these idiots might do overnight. Stability is a good thing. My blood pressure might even go down with sane policies (foreign and domestic.) let’s do something to help Tim here sleep more soundly.

If your ad for a prescription medication mentions the perineum more than once, I don’t think I want it. Taint cancer is not my thing. I got enough aggravation.

22 Sept

Something has been troubling me. Iran is not allowed to possess nuclear weapons but, North Korea, never mind about them. Why do they get a pass, exactly? They’re both aligned with China and Russia. Both are nuclear powers. One is an Islamic Republic and the other is Communist. What’s the difference?

21 Sept

I’ve lived in Texas all my 56 years. Here’s what I see with the Senate race here. This will be short and sweet: Talarico supports trans rights. Paxton protects child molesters. I know who I’d rather vote for. There is more, but those two issues are the ones they’re slinging at each other r/n.

22 Sept

Also, one of these candidates spent July 4th with a woman who is not his wife in the UK. (I know he’s going through a messy divorce for “biblical reasons”.) The other spent the holiday with Willie Nelson in Austin. Come on, Texas. The choice is clear.

20 Sept

I keep hearing about the Houthis, but I never hear about the blowfish anymore. I hope they’re ok. The blowfish, I mean.

20 Sept

I keep getting unsolicited text messages from Ken Paxton’s campaign. Rather than replying “stop” I want to say that Paxton can eat a bag of dicks. The only thing is that I doubt anyone reads those replies. This Paxton guy is the most vile piece of shit anyone can imagine.

18 Sept

I rewatched a “NOVA” episode asking the question, “Can Dogs Talk?” I believe that the answer is a qualified “yes.” Some dogs can. Others are not that intelligent. Anecdotally, our late dog, Ruby, seemed to understand full sentences. For instance, “Go get the octopus toy from the bedroom.” She did it

18 Sept

Our other dog, Ranger, who is still among the living only understands the words “treat” and “outside.” He seems to know what he knows only because Ruby taught him. I’ll just say it’s a good thing he’s cute. (He’s not very bright.) Ruby did teach him to go to the crate. I’ll give him that.

18 Sept

I’m curious what you all might think. Can dogs understand and communicate back using at least a simplified form of language including syntax and grammar? I believe cats could do it as well, but they don’t like to cooperate. Cats… ugh. 🤪

14 Sept

My wife thinks I should go on a game show to make us some money. I don’t think it’s necessarily a good idea because many people find me unpalatable I might win because, you know, trivia, but here’s how I see it going:

14 Sept

Host: “Tim, what would you do with the money if you win today?” Me: “I would ensure the absolute humiliation and defeat of my enemies and eradicate their bloodlines for the rest of time. Some of the money would go to beer, of course, so I could piss on their sad little graves.”

14 Sept

Host: “Well, I hope you win, Tim! Let’s take a look at our categories…” Me: “Thanks, Ken. I’ll take ‘Women’ for $500. That’s a broad subject.” You know, something like that. Just to be the asshole that everyone despises, but wins anyway.

It’s nearly midnight in my time zone. I’m remembering where I was 25 years ago. Some of you reading this might not have even been born yet. If you remember where you were then, please share if you wish. I’ll tell you my story as briefly as possible.

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We didn’t know what was to occur next. The Pentagon, followed by the crash in Pennsylvania… it was the most tragic day in my life. I really don’t care for this anniversary. What a senseless loss we suffered that day. Every time this day shows up on the calendar, I mourn again for lives lost.

It’s not easy to reflect upon, but letting these feelings out is a kind of catharsis and I think that’s healthy. That’s all. ✌️❤️

On 10 September 2001, we were wrapping up a long weekend in San Diego. Flew home that day and the next morning, on my way to work, I heard on the radio that a plane hit the WTC. Didn’t think much about it at the time as details were sparse. Got to the office and there was a crowd in the break room.

I arrived in time to see, on live television, the second plane hit the South Tower. If not for the audible gasps, you could hear a pin drop. That’s when we knew something awful was happening. This was no accident. I can still recall the feeling of horror I just witnessed.

9 Sept

I think it would be swell if we had phone booths in public places again. Not the kind from decades ago, but just little soundproof booths with charging stations and chairs so that other people don’t have to hear someone else’s conversations at full volume on speaker.

8 Sept

I finally got my shit together and now, I forgot where I put it. How are you doing?

7 Sept

Last night my wife decided to make a nice baked fish for dinner. It was delicious. I asked her what kind of fish it was and she went on and on about its origins and how it can swim in salt and fresh water, etc. I said, “I asked what time it is and you told me how to build a watch.”

5 Sept

My wife asked me earlier about yams vs sweet potatoes. I said I thought they were the same thing, but I looked it up and lo, and behold, they are different. All this time I never thought to differentiate them. I guess I learned something new today. I think I’ve earned a nap.

4 Sept

Everyone should believe something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

3 Sept

In my nearly 50 years of “Star Wars” fandom, I’ve noticed the Stormtrooper armor doesn’t do a damned thing. Why can’t it reflect or deflect blaster bolts? I’ve also never seen a toilet in any “Star Wars” movie or television series. “We’ll have to wait on the jump to hyperspace. I gotta take a shit.”

1 Sept

Sunday, I had to take down our bird feeder because it started attracting at least one rat. I’m thinking that if I mount it on a surface that rodents can’t climb, like a brick wall, maybe that could mitigate the problem. Anyone have any experience with this issue? Previously, the feeder was on a tree

1 Sept

Chicken purse? I guess this is a thing now?

youtu.beEarth, Wind & Fire - September (Official HD Video)YouTube video by EarthWindandFireVEVO

1 Sept

Happy September, all you glorious individuals! Here’s an appropriate song to start your Tuesday. youtu.be/Gs069dndIYk?...

31 Aug

Can anyone explain the appeal of ordering a giant cookie with pizza? If I want something savory, I’ll get savory. If I want sweet, I’ll get sweet, but that’s pretty rare.

29 Aug

Man, those fuckers who came up with “Bluey” must be printing money right now. Australian money. Let that part sink in. Their money is translucent and it’s printed on plastic!

29 Aug

Beast Mode: Unavailable. Sounds about right.

2 Aug

@sophianyx.bsky.social What do you consider to be the best love song? You like to ask the questions but you never answer them. I like “Always on my Mind” by Willie Nelson.

2 Aug

Everyone gather round. I have a singular message and it applies to every single one of you. You are OK. You are loved. Live in peace and prosperity.

2 Aug

I’ve long said that I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t like dogs. I very much distrust people who dogs don’t like.

1 Aug

Tony Romo has an estimated net worth of $80 million. I find it hard to believe he couldn’t afford an Uber. I don’t have anywhere near that amount of money, but I’ve asked bartenders to call me a taxi. They always obliged. Happy to do it.

1 Aug

If you could create a Venn diagram of Lenny Kravitz and Yogi Berra it would be “It ain’t over till it’s over.”