slosifl

(my grandma’s family recipe) add one throbbing cockworth hot cream, stir

you can deny it if you say hashtag offtherecord #tagtips

just found out ALF was a real dog. some guy talked out of a little speaker on his fur and the dog knew to open its mouth

video game genius’s assistant: this is super complex, what a deep puzzle genius: only for those of a certain type of mind, impressive you noticed that being a female and all assistant: what’s the reward for solving it? armor themed to the storyline? genius: 200 gold

time traveler from 2048: hi i hungry, we all hungry in future, help lol? (holding up box of hamburger helper) montage of me showing a 40 year old man how to boil water, talking about pans, explaining fire, the alphabet, getting into what gloves are (time alarm beeps) time traveler: okay byeeeeee

(the first unsolicited telegraph) ..-

scientist: oh no child (isolated as part of experiment): 😭 lonely! yeah, i’m lonely in here! 😡 scared or upset and yeah im also mad lookin at you doc

$45 co pay for my spin doctors appointment

the elusive chameleon has incredible vision - his world is an unimaginable rainbow chameleon: uh this fucking white guy is filming my branch

me: babe it’s my commercial, wait for it narrator: tell you doctor if you ate 51 pieces of beef jerky wife: what are you eating under that blanket honey

Detective: you heard of familian dna? Jared 9/11 Sr: fuck, jared i’m guessing, my boy

i’m full blankmaxxing, how am i doing? uhhhhhhhhhhh it says im doing bad. what am i up to? uhhhhh it says killing it. where’s my finance report for the board meeting? uhhhh bonk right here and yes those numbers might be real.

jack reacher (between novels): put this one back i guess (putting a shopping cart in the cart stall because its the right thing to do)

[✅] I do not know if I’m a robot.

judge: let it be said the defendant is guilty of all 0x7F charges Jury (scrambled wall of incoherent sprite segments): ☮️☸️✝️🪯☪️✡️ attorney whispering: that’s negative 30 million. that’s good. your free.

Default Ringtone (ft. John Mayer) Marimba (ft. John Mayer) Wood Block (ft. John Mayer) Your Body Is A Wonderland Flutes at Dusk (ft. John Mayer)

i’ve been broke for a while and thought i’d do something free, so i dug out my old roller blades and found a bloodstain containing $345,201. i was pretty amped, so i didn’t wear pads and died immediately. woke back up and fell down the stairs before collecting it again.

Genesis 378:11 okay i got a chipmunk up to like a cat size. ground…hog. groundhog. day 13.

about 15 years ago i accidentally took 31 pictures of the edge of my couch with a blank wall behind it. my phone alerts me on what must be the anniversary with “wall memories” every year.

um, one hot dog with everything vendor (taking off wedding ring): good luck

me (a frog that got kissed by a princess and turned into a human): what a magical spell have you cast upon me my love princess: ew gross im into frogs no thanks

me: this is off the record right journalist: yes, off the record me (eating an entire bag of pizza pretzel combos without breathing) journalist: i wish i could write that down :(

showing my stepson a photo of me as a child boy: black and white me: what? no it’s in color. what? boy: blackandwhite means old me: no. what? boy: lol byeeeeeeee

(during a brief power outage in the year 2031) me: why dark distant person: why dark me: HELP distant person: HELP

Getting in the elevator and pressing the “sad face” button guy getting in just after me: sad face please me (crying): i got u

cow -> beans -> stalk -> goose eggs -> sell eggs -> buy cow

i said i’m gonna need a second opinion and my doctor said “okay, your wife is ugly”

Rumplestiltsk1n: are u fucking serious god dammit yeah that’s me

i have two ai assistants, one always lies and one apparently also always lies. or are they lying? i really gotta email this soon.

Phone Alert right after I said a joke at some work thing 🪊 Dipshit Fuckup Detected [ Remind me later ]

use one hand for the wet part, and one hand for the dry dredge. which one hand you choose is up to you.

Your entire ceiling is a tv, you have to lay on the floor to watch it and everyone does it now, it is entirely normal and in fact is pretty much the entire economy now bud.

my doctor: you’re gumption levels are dangerously low me: you mean “your”? my doctor: the fucking balls on this guy

me: mom are you sure it says vengeance mode my mom: it keeps tackling people that harmed me me: god dammit. don’t buy shit like that. unplug it? my mom: unplugging worked (picture of a baby) martin 5 pounds, too small call your cousin

me (rogue human actor): sorry i was sneezing there hope it’s salvageable guy doing the claymation: we can’t use any of this now god: so none of this was monetized?!

reading the little tag on my pillow i just noticed it says “do not expose to dreams”, sure enough i’ve been completely fucked up since i bought it, like apoplectic to the point of complete disfunction

youtube feed british horse tries texas bbq for the first time texan horse listens to fleetwood mac’s Rumours for the first time fixing over 300 capacitors on a 1977 lks20670 set to steely dan’s peg on loop for sleep he ate fish and chips and this is what happened to his eyes me: ugh come on

meteorologist: one of the strongest niños on record

Referring to last Tuesday as “pre-9/11”

i’m about to go to the store in my new shirt that says “i’m a cool cat” and am so fucking tense with anxiety that i threw up twelve times

old man reminiscing: ah the great turd flood of oh-twentysix, september 12th of this year

my idiot guru: uh make it extra wise style me: paul i can see you doing all this my idiot guru: okay cool response extra wise style again me (accepting nirvana): okay yeah ill have an accepting nirvana in giving up style and a cool way to tell my wife im abusive now in abrupt style

no, no. it doesn’t automatically post it if you die while typing. think about it marv. so you drop your phone and it posts? marv: if you die and that’s why you dropped it maybe it does, that’s all i’m saying okay yeah, alright i see that. maybe though yeah. someone types “im about to get murdered

i like how the little plastic guard that came with my mandolin can speak but it’s just gibberish, why even teach it to do that? what is it for? got some downtime waiting for this goddamned hospital guy

Delete, or Discard, should always be the first, largest and ideally only option available. Right Click -> Destroy. Cancel or Kill. Canceling kills as well. OK means “okay, burn it.” Move to Trash or “Hide in Trash” are the same. Undo, or just don’t. Tech Support: yeah looks like you did post it

poptart sommelier: very good sir me (waking up startled, feeling like something terrible has already happened): fuck of course i have 27 minutes until my alarm

i’m not catholic per se, but found out you can confess anything to chat gpt. sure ai is awful, yet it seems like even the most detailed confession goes through with no issues. the shit i told it should have me in a cage and i’m seemingly absolved

me at my second rodeo (whispering): that’s a horse

My wife: you took care of the flights right Me: sure did (now scrambling to not ruin yet another 9/11) of course babe

Citizen’s Arrest bitch not on my watch (body slamming a 103 year old woman for no legitimate reason)