Austin Hayes

This is the newest single from my band, Happy Phantom. I hope you enjoy. #goth #gothic #postpunk #darkwave #synth #music #voodoo youtu.be/kXblANRAOBk

My upbringing has prepared me for this. But don't worry, we're "not" in a recession.

After the world has collapsed, and society has found itself in a mad max type scenario, you can find me rolling through the desert blaring the Venga Boys.

Without watching a single episode of White Lotus I can not shake the feeling that the show is not better than (1987) Unsolved Mysteries or even the Unsolved Mysteries' theme song?

Within two years, someone will create an A.I. pornographic subscription service that replaces Only Fans. Radical conservatives will only be concerned about the decrease in women having babies, not how it mentally affects men.

In Texas, it is illegal to own more than 6 dildos. But the number of guns a person can own is unlimited.

Taking out a few electric cars is domestic terrorism? Back in my day, if you wanted to be a terrorist you had to take out a plane, a tower, or take off someone's head.

Back in my day, we called clown Goths Juggalos.

Maturity is passing on the club and opting for Beast Wars: Transformers.

My prediction to the Kennedy assassination: It was Professor Plum, with the rope, in the library.

Kids these days are wild. They would rather get caught humping their step sister than get caught wearing sideburns.

When life gets me down, I remind myself that the Streets Of Rage 2 soundtrack had no reason to be so good. But here we are.

Reminds me so much of my home planet Techtronic, where we invented various types of electronic music. (We did not create dub_step.)

"Love Fool" by The Cardigans is the best pop song recorded in the last 50... No! 60 years.

Happy 3/11! Come original!

I would give anything to feel the unbridled joy I felt in 2008, when I heard Tourettes Guy shout "Bob Sagat" for the first time.

Did we do it? Did we save the daylight?

Gulf of America, blah blah blah. Dude! Get rid of daylight savings.

So Dolly Parton is single.

If you are going to shake a cane at someone as a means of disapproval, up the threat level by bringing one of those canes with a sword in it.

RIP George Lowe. Fly high, you luscious lad of late night lampoonary. youtu.be/4H-3N0jNbDI

I have started asking people on the next door app if the coyotes they see in the neighborhoods are building acme branded products.

At this point, if the US national anthem is to be sung, a congress person should be made to do so. Spare the innocent.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, it would have to be Donald Trump, dead.

This is not my pimp walk. I just got finished with leg day.

Everyone knows that if something is bad, it is "balls." If something is good, it is "the tits!"

My headstone will read, "Here rests Austin, moderator of the mutants at table 9."

Just a reminder: Shitty people can also have great taste in music.

After all these years, the X-Men theme still hits the spot.

Dear women with nice fat asses, Thank you for existing. I hope you have an incredible day.

Black from head to... my colorful socks. (Hidden under big stompy boots, of course.)

Trying to figure out how to boo during the national anthem while making it look like I am singing just in case I have to perform it.

This is a song I wrote. Gloomy, Gothic, and danceable. I and my band hope you enjoy it.

Due to new DEI regulations, it looks like I will not be buying that Trans Am from Craigslist.

You never know just how much your heart will ache for something until life strips it away. I miss you, Book It program.

I did not watch the game. But I think Drake lost the Super Bowl.

There are few greater highs than going to the store and asking the women with the most botox in their faces, "Do you work here?" and seeing the reactions on their barely moveable faces.

I miss going to the grocery store and seeing updates on Bat Boy and the 1,000 lb woman (from Weekly World News). I hope they are well.

I still think dubstep sounds like Optimus Prime is being sėxually assaulted by a fax machine.

People paying thousands of $$$ to watch "They not like us" be performed live before their very eyes and deaf ears. I believe there is a word for this.

Does anyone else wish that pubes changed color as a means of attracting a mate?

Calling your song "Espresso," then having it sound like an audible Xanax smoothie, is a good way to create distrust. Go take notes from S.O.A.D. you soulless turd.

My teachers would be so proud.

Having children is so 1900's. Gene-splicing yourself with animal DNA... Now that is forward thinking!

Sėx is no longer selling. Anger is flying off the shelf. Good thing I made this hate-fuck playlist. *cues Vengaboys*

You are a Jersey Shore millennial. I am a Jackass millennial. We are not the same.

You are wearing socks and sandals. Your argument is invalid.

I am more jealous than turned on by women, typically being more flexible than men. #whatthatlumbardo?

Jeep drivers do that wave thing when passing other Jeep drivers. Do Tesla drivers do the Elon "salute" when passing each other?