David Twerkowitz

I got suspended from the Bad Place for suggesting that nazi salute girl ride the sui slide. I'm not sorry.

Doctors prescribing Zoloft should be way more clear about what happens if you stop taking it cold turkey. I ran out and took 2 weeks to fill it because of who I am at my very core, and I turned into an absolute monster.

Any of yall have experience in the Palm Springs/Joshua Tree part of California? Gonna be out there in April

You know that feeling where you don't have a black eye yet but you can tell you're going to? That's where I'm at because my dog talks with her hands lol

My girl got a little too excited when we got home

Hilarious how quickly "no tax on tips" disappeared. Dumb fuckin marks.

Naming your guitar is lame. That is all.

I fell down after weird rabbit hole last night when I randomly wondered if they were trying to use non-newtonian fluids as body armor. They definitely are and I think people might have a fluid version of the personal forcefield from Dune in the future

They say ya like to dance by the light of the moon Well dance motherfucker, we'll be in Hell soon open.spotify.com/track/3zsfK2...

When you come in to this mess and don't get to send a "who tf closed last night?!" Text because the answer is always you. You closed last night.

David Byrne is a super underrated vocalist. That's all.

The Hawk Tuah Girl is a prime example of what happens when you overspend on marketing and underspend on product development.

I just realized I have to been force fed a Nick Adams tweet in weeks.

Hi, my name is David and I just started Christmas shopping.

An absolute shivering turd of a state trooper gave me a class E criminal summons for operating a vehicle that had suspended registration. However, it wasn't my car. I borrowed it to go fishing 5 miles from my house. The state dismissed the charges this AM. youtu.be/6IJCFc_qkHw?...

"Why do you talk to your dog like she's a person?" Me: *looks at my dog* "I told you they're lame. Let's go home, big dog. These people suck."

That video of the soldier responding to one of his buddies saying he earned on of his stripes for good behavior by saying "yeah, cause I'm a good boy. I'm such a good fuckin boy" lives absolutely rent free in my head.

Happy 45th birthday to London Calling. Released by The Clash on this day in 1979 ▶️ open.spotify.com/album/6FCzva...

I've been working on new fun things to say when I get spam calls. My latest is "Patterson's Post Birth Abortion Care, you drop em, we chop em, how can I help you?

I'm not saying I support vigilante justice like that of Luigi Mangione. But I am saying I don't really give a fuck about it.

Did a "learn by doing" today. Turns out fixing a dryer is pretty easy.

Punk has been dead so long that you truly have to wonder if it ever was alive.

I understand not feeling heard but when someone who never stops talking, even when you're talking, say it it's like "no, I hear you. You have just been talking endlessly and I didn't take notes."

The sound of people eating makes me feel like my brain is on fire. My mother just got in my car with a big bag of hard candy. It's gonna be a long day.

When I sing rap songs I say "n-word" instead of using the n word and it works oddly well.

Rushing Giant Death Robots then pivoting from a pacifist to a warmonger is the most fun way to play Civ 6

I'm 100% on board with not putting on a fake, overly friendly customer service voice/face on. People aren't always feeling like manic automatons. But man, does the contrast feel jarring lol

It's been 7 years since my last round of "is that melted snow from someone's boots or puppy pee?" Happy to be back.

My dog snores so loud I sometimes think I hear the bass from someone's car, only to realize it's Sadie sawing logs.

Do you think people had to be sold on the idea of cola at first or was everyone just like "fizzy brown, let's go?"

Potentially a controversial opinon: McDonalds should be neutral ground like the Continental in John Wick. You don't conduct business on McDonalds property, and while you're there, you're safe. No I don't have a good reason why it should be this way.

You know how dumb white people who are trying to sound creative when they name their kids will just add x's in all willy nilly? That's what Elon did to Twitter.

The nice part of living in New England is that all the hotels are dirt cheap this time of year. The nicest hotel in Portland is currently like $100 a night.

The weed industry is weird because a client I've done over a million dollars in business with called in their order rather than emailing because they got locked out of their yahoo account.

The saddest part about the Elon/Space X fan boys isn't that they actually believe he's gonna colonize Mars. It's the fact they think he'd take them with him.

My niece's school has been struggling to find a drama coach for about a year. The guy they finally found was a sub when I was in 6th grade 23 years ago, and is a big time MAGA. He's good with the kids but he picked the dumbest play I've ever seen (law and order nursery rhymes?) and can't read aloud.

My doordash driver picked up my food, drove to a different town entirely, said the road was blocked and canceled my order. She's definitely eating my tacos right now, isn't she?

Is it upsetting when your partner has a celebrity crush if you live in NYC or LA? Seems significantly less fun/playful when it isn't someone they would never have the opportunity to meet but is instead just another person in your city lol

Kinda wild that the conspiracy theorists elected the exact people who would be in the illuminati

I forgot to put the auto fill propane account on the new company credit card, so we didn't get refilled and ran out. NBD, we just started an hour late so they could get it filled. But I was the first one here and I was not prepared for how cold the toilet seat was. I may have frostbite on my ass.

This is the most patient man alive.

I'm not even a little bit sorry lol

Anthem BCBS out here showing us that sometimes violence IS the answer

Hey, why aren't I getting DMs from beautiful Asian women on here? I used to get dozens of DMs from beautiful Asian women on the other app...

The Ruble is failing, a pervert was just elected president, CEOs are getting got...strap on your Doc Martens and fill my mini backpack with white widow, the 90s are back!

Just watched an elderly woman with thick smokers voice shout at dispensary employees at the top of her lungs for reasons that are unclear. But the chefs kiss was when she got in a truck with a giant "Butterfly Kisses" decal across the rear window and peeled out.

I've never really cared for booger sugar, as someone with fairly severe ADHD, it tends to have an inverse effect on me. But I bet coca cola with the cocaine in it was fire

You ever order something you regularly get but this one time it's so much better than every other time that you wnder if they've fucked up every other time you ordered it? Because that just happened with me at my favorite Indian place. Suspiciously grateful for whatever they did different this time