Stuff Max Says

My eyeballs are buttholes and my tears are shits

'My name is a noodle and I'm gonna wash it" - the 4yr old

Tomatoes boil at 300° Celsius. That's a hundred degrees more than the boiling point of water.

Kiln- bound today! 🔥 I’m trying some new small designs.

It's the curse of having a nice keyboard and an empty head.

She Subarus on my WRX till I STI

3yo: Dada don't be hot, I love you.

Jim simulator, Jim-ulator, Jim you later.

If my name was Jim and someone said to me "Jim you later" I think I'd kill myself.

That's where dentists come from, the tooth plaste.

Don't get into baking now, baking is whisk-y business

I'm made of meat and meat is fragile. Haven't you ever slapped a steak and it just broke apart. I haven't but I'm sure it could happen

It's my time of the month. I'm on my myriad. I have a myriad of problems.

Why does our cat like licking my right hand when I'm laying on my left side? Because she doesn't like leftovers.

Forget the terrible twos it's more like the terrible toes.

Stop cukeing your cumber

Of course I'm tired I've pulled an all-dayer

I'm as soft as a rock

Don't spring your chickens until they've been counted.

I hope sushi persists past the blood brain barrier

Do it for relay

Balls doesn't start with P and that's dumb

That's where the cream is made. That's why they have to bring the cows there, to the Crematory.

What if babies weren't born with legs until wasps burrowed in and died and the legs grew like figs. Then they'd really be thigs.

Max: we also got you a sandwich 3 yr old: this is a hashbrown, not a burger.

🎶I picked the cat up, I put him on the ground I picked the cat up and I put him on the ground🎶

Bone inflator

Ew, someone nutted on the banana?

Stunning! A pigeon doing backflips.

I don't want you peeing my pants

What do you call farm grown parmesan? Pharmesan.

Oh Jim why did we make a floor out of you? He won't stop squeaking. Jimothy Chrimmis what have we done?

Oh no did you vacuum the window with your hair in it?

I'm gonna pee first because I dont want to pee my pants when you kill me. I want to die in dignity with dry pants.

Be careful around my butt. I'm a man and we shit our pants.

Pistachios are just vegan clams

Im not written in English

*Max farts* 2.8 yr old: "Is that necessary??"

to our toddler: "You're actively expanding"

If everyone became enlightened there would be no more shadows.