Vanyel

greetings, anyone ! apologies for my absence, it's hard to find time for everything i want to do. providing an update! though I don't think anyone here was particularly invested in me or my wellbeing, there may be a few? but it doubles as a journal entry too I suppose lol

and ive had to learn that what I went through WAS bad, that I didn't overreact, the evidence is in all these nightmares and memories I keep to myself. it was bad. i know it was bad, regardless of what others have to say. my experience is valid. my feelings are valid. I am allowed to feel.

anyway! I'll be done yapping lol. until next time, then.

I've been growing native flowers, and keeping insects, and sewing plushes that I've somehow been selling, and etc. we got a kitten a few months ago too! so again, it's hard to find time for everything, but at least i am content, but,

there is always that looming shadow of trauma, every single day. I try to ignore but memories always seep through the cracks. I keep it all to myself, I don't want to be seen as attention seeking. so no one gets how deeply ive been affected, how the memories still linger.

I've come a long way in learning to be more assertive, more confident. I strive to be a good person, kind. I've learned asserting my boundaries does not make me bad, even though I have been accused of it. I know who I am, and that's all that matters. I know I truly try to be good.

Things are still going well with my partner, which I am so grateful for. He is so kind to me, always, more than I deserve. I've lived in fear for most of my life, it is so nice to not have that toxic cycle of abuse and love bombing. it's stable, and safe, and what I have needed for so long.

starting EDMR therapy tomorrow, will be interesting. trauma still affects me daily, as well as memories. nearly everyday last week I had a nightmare about either my ex, my mother, or both. its a common thing, but not usually that common. such is the result of repression though!

I've been trying to work through family trauma. I read a book, 'adult children of emotionally immature parents', it was insane how much I related to it. it sucks to realize how much it affected me, and it sucks my mother refuses to engage with me at all.

generally, I have been quite well! working on myself, striving to always be better. there are always so many ways I need to improve, and that's okay, it is something to work on throughout my entire life.

31 Jan

about to see Iron Lung IM SO EXCITED I LOVE SLOW BURNS AND COSMIC HORROR AND I LOVE THE GAME ITS BASED ON AND I LOVE MARKIPLIER AAAAA

29 Jan

THE PHARMACY FINALLY HAD MY NEEDLES life is good again

28 Jan

I havent been able to do my T shot in 2 weeks and the depression is starting to creep in 😔 I don't feel like myself ,, and recently feeling more sad and more, like, shy and anxious again. blehhhh . Hopefully pharmacy has supplies today but that means bugging my bf again for the 100th time and,, hhh

28 Jan

I hate feeling like such an inconvenience

19 Jan

love when I'm working and my brain is like, today's topic: has life ever been worth living?

13 Jan

also sorry I haven't been posting ive been so bad at time management lately im sorry 🙏🙏🙏

13 Jan

really can't decide if I like straight or curly more ,, I like the emo look but the natural wavy is cute too ,, aarrghh

8 Jan

well! roblox is dying today I think . I hope . because this is stupid for so many reasons

3 Jan

was waiting for the professional photos ,,, here it is!!! 😎🔥 I LOVE IT SO MUCH RAAAHHH ITS PERFECT!!! ITS ME!!! IT LOOKS SO GOOD OH MY GODDDDD IM SO HAPPY

3 Jan

omg not to mention the artist was SO cool,, he was Cuban and had been tattooing since he was 15??? (he's 23 now) and only moved to the US like a year ago?? THATS SO COOL ??? the other artists are the basic skinny alt white boy stereotype lol, NO SHADE, but yk,,

2 Jan

TS HURTS BAD !!!!!! HELLPPPPP not done yet

1 Jan

TATTOO APPOINTMENT TOMORROW MORNING LETS GOOO 🎉🔥🎉🔥🎉 always gotta get something crazy done for my birthday it seems hahaha

1 Jan

well happy new year everyone!! hopefully it'll be good,, but either way, we ball anyway 😎🔥

1 Jan

spending my birthday watching heated rivalry ✌️✌️ also I definitely read the book like , two years ago?? but didn't finish it for some reason,, show is awesome though

31 Dec 2025

anyway my birthday is tomorrow .. I don't want to be 23 😭 that feels lile such an unc number maybe getting a tattoo soon tho? Just got a quote and waiting to hear back abt appt times I drew the design myself so,, it'd be super cool to get

31 Dec 2025

yoooo my mom just posted that she was in rehab lmaooo I knew it i knew it,,, girlie all you do is post abt drinking no shade to that ofc, I just don't like her✨️✨️😇 also she was an alcoholic while I was a teen and w my younger brother . so once again being a bad parent ✨️💞✨️ go girl ❗️✨️❗️

31 Dec 2025

29 Dec 2025

goofy ahh roblox screens i took

28 Dec 2025

literally I'm hungry and nauseous at the same time THIS IS STUPID

28 Dec 2025

okay I made it 4 days without effexor but I'm so nauseous and having full body sweats and brain zaps and depression and irritation i can't do it man I really don't think I can 😭🙏🙏 this is so awful for no reason

26 Dec 2025

my alt clothing arrived today AAAAA everything looks and fits so good I'm so happy ,,, so gender,,,, !!!!

25 Dec 2025

facial hair is really starting to come in 👀 this is like 4 days without shaving haha also STARTING to get sideburn hair ugghhh❤️❤️💞💞❤️🔥🔥🔥 I love sideburns ahahah

25 Dec 2025

hopefully bf's parents didnt notice ✌️✌️ that'd be awkward

finished the book. these quotes killed me. gave me chills and had to try not to cry reading this at work 😔✌️✌️ ouch.

and it hurts more because I know my parent wouldn't do this. she doesn't want me.

finished the book. these quotes killed me. gave me chills and had to try not to cry reading this at work 😔✌️✌️ ouch.

this is why it's worth it to read,,, this is why.

22 Dec 2025

"The world was not made for ones like you." "When the swarm said that to Sophie for the first time, she’d sobbed. They were right. She was miserable and trapped. She wasn’t a boy until the worms finally told her it was okay, because she couldn’t do it herself."

21 Dec 2025

some pics of my fit for the christmas work party today 😎🔥 had to make sure I was the gayest one there ugh I wish I looked more masc though. blehhh

this page brought up some memories sh tw in the replies

and the one time I was admitted to a hospital and sitting in an ambulance the paramedic was commenting on my arm, the scars and for some reason I was happy that he recognized the burn marks because no one else did

sorry for the trauma dump uwu ✨️ needed to get that out. I'm doing okay though

this page brought up some memories sh tw in the replies

memories I had blocked out from when I was a teenager and I needed something that would hurt, badly I would boil water and pour it onto my arm and, that's insane, isn't it? but that's how miserable I was and so many people don't understand what its like to want to hurt yourself so badly

or how constantly thinking about suicide, and constantly being isolated during your teenage years permanently fucks up your brain and how you think I've blocked out so many memories now. I can't even describe how miserable I was. I can't make others understand. But at least I don't remember.

I used to barely be able to get this binder on, now I don't think its tight enough to even do any binding lmao that's insane,, hell yeah now if only my chest would become flat 😔🙏 its shrunk for sure but ,,, mhhh,,,,

17 Dec 2025

I relate to this character so much it makes me nauseous I mean obviously I've deeply related to a character but . this is current life me . I never see this. this is how my thoughts work ,, and , just everything,,, ive never seen someone like me

17 Dec 2025

the book is 'you weren't meant to be human' by andrew joseph white

16 Dec 2025

I hate this stupid female body I wish I could rip it off

16 Dec 2025

really I think i just need some sleep I haven't been sleeping well at all