Stu ~Bat Country~ Nugent

BREAKING: nation surprised to learn David Walliams hasn't already been yewtree'd

an Oura ring, but it's a cock ring

I'm 41, all celebrity news sounds like this: STEPPING OUT: TWI$TY AND XXYLO CAUGHT FRANKING A BUNT

200 bucks worth of cat beds in my house and my cat still carries this old oven glove around to sleep on

i avoided a midlife crisis by making my whole life a crisis

procrastination has got so bad i have to trick myself into thinking scrolling my socials is absolutely the most important thing in my day so then i will avoid it and do some actual work instead, in cbt that's called reframing probably i dunno

i took php once but i didnt inhale all the way

i need to say this out loud, here, just to exorcise the thought: i don't need to buy a hurdy-gurdy, buying a hurdy-gurdy would be stupid.

spiking my condom like a football after we finish

a jackie chan fight scene in an ikea and by the end of it he's accidentally assembled a wardrobe

remember when people used to say they were sapiosexual? i think that died out because they realised literally everyone is the fuckin dumbest person on the planet

when life hands you 'gators, make gatorade

I started a new adult industry news digest show, here's the first one: youtu.be/63qpjyGk3D4

how can my cat be so pretty and yet smell like you found an old bottle washed up on a beach and when you opened it it was full of 200 year old pirate farts

adult industry friends: is there, anywhere, a business that does, like, stock porn footage? Adult content than can be licensed?

the reason we dont want women in gyms is cos we're in there jerkin each other off and hi-5ing and we don't want you to see us jerkin each other off and hi-5ing. thats why we go, maybe if you jerked us off and hi-5ed us now and then

Normal things with deeply suspect designs #32552: this teleprompter remote control

one of my hobbies is going on a cruise and leaving pineapples outside random cabin doors

drinking pineapple juice for jizzmaxxing

"god made sex to only be between a man and a woman" are you sure about that cos he also made genderfuck worms that dickfight

gf: there's lipstick on your dick, are you cheating on me? me, remembering earlier when my gf was asleep and i used her lipstick to draw marilyn monroe's face on my dick and made it sing happy birthday to me: yes

Thank you @annijyn.com, I adore this piece.

more like carl ungggg am i right ladies

PSA: I'm horny.

yeah sex is great but have you tried masturbation

I came, I saw, I came again.

dave: are we all cool with the name 'daveharmonic orchestra' phil: *concealing a bottle of cyanide* yep

very easy to find the munch in oslo

years ago i got a handsome friend to dm my girlfriend to see if she was loyal, i'm very happy to say that their first child is very ugly

am going no-pronoun. In FACE dipshits, now can't even refer to

been looking forward to friday since last friday

*quietly to myself while we're having sex* ...now if i was a clitoris where would i be...

masturbating when you're angry: ragebate™

pretty iconic photo of me (on the left (ON THE LEFT)) from Venus Adult Trade Show Berlin a couple o' years back.

OUR WEBINAR WAS SO SUCCESSFUL WE'RE DOING ANOTHER ONE IN CASE YOU MISSED IT oh right ok you mean no one showed up

young people reducing their iq by using ai vs young me reducing my iq with alcohol 🤷

feel so dumb introducing new people to my pets. this is my dog Oblong Chompsky and this is my cat, A Cat

pet store workers: can you tell when someone is buying a dog collar that's not for a dog? please share this, i think a lot of us need to know

"stop worrying it's all in your head" ok thanks do you know HOW MUCH WORSE THAT IS

no mum im not jerking off, im dicksmaxxing

so jealous of people who can be calm and stoic, my face has subtitles

seriously as long as you don't need to buy food or drink water or use the internet or have a house or live in peace then things really aren't that bad

when she has a praise kink but she's also a disaster. like, matching shoes today huh, well done babygirl i guess

Oh my life you guys, I am SO happy to be working in the adult industry full-time again. I've had my toe in mainstream marketing waters for about 6 months and let me tell ya, selling orgasms is just way more fun. So so so happy to be back where I belong.

Sean Bean's name gives me misophonia, it should be Seen Been or Shawn Borne

good things to say after sex: 1. thank you 2. i enjoyed the sex 3. do you think the dyatlov pass incident was a yeti 4. what was it then 5. what was it