The Card

guys I’m so close to being homeless I’m serious I’m not exaggerating I need to pay my rent on November 1st or I’m going to be homeless Please I’m so scared 😭😭😭😭

NEW COMIC: "The Return of Soupenstein"

NEW COMIC: "Fails from the Crap"

Unfollowing in response to being unfollowed vs. realizing they never followed you to begin with.

Republicans are like, "It's All Hallows' Eve, not All Hallows' STEVE!"

Touch grass? You mean "Touch a bunch of pesticides, litter, and goose shit"?

Girl, are you a baseball cap from the '90s? 'Cause you got me all backwards.

First, they came for the Cracker Barrel logo, and I said nothing. Then, they made a joke that referenced The Cheesecake Factory, and I couldn't believe anyone said anything.

MAGA: The left is all about performative outrage! Also MAGA:

If it isn’t my old nemesis, persistent grief in the absence of a support network.

They should make a super chill bowel syndrome.

If it isn’t my old nemesis, lack of financial security.

If it isn’t my old nemesis, Oldington Nemesisworth.

🎶Well, the weather outside is frightful But it’s quite cold inside, as well Everything sucks, is my point🎶

NEW COMIC: "Soups Come True"

NEW COMIC: "All Wallow's Eve"

Did I just go and waste all my good material before sunrise again?

Me, myself, and I(rritable bowel syndrome).

Really neat how they've just stopped using dog whistles and are now completely upfront about their racism because they know the media will normalize literally anything.

"Joiner"? I much prefer "henchman."

I never imagined a day that included taco consumption could be this bad, but I guess there's a first time for everything.

I got 99 problems, and the solution to literally all of them is money.

If it isn't my old nemesis, typo noticed many hours after the fact.

Gonna need this day to fuck all the way off and then some.

Having a day so bad that it feels like the universe is actively attacking me from every possible angle.

A socially responsible form of world domination.

A basketball-based horror comedy entitled “Jump Scare.”

🎶Now I know my ABCs Please don’t expect me to learn anything else🎶

My sleep schedule is not a team player.

RENT IS DUE IN 7 DAYS PLEASE HELP ME I DONT WANNA BE HOMELESS

Oh, hi, out-of-nowhere health anxiety freak-out.

How have Jay-Z and The Count never teamed up for a 99 Problems remix?

I got 99 problems, and having the slightest clue of how to fix any of them ain’t one.

The Just Okay Replacement Theory

Don’t forget to love and cherish that like button.

You Can See Everything, except what this movie’s about without actually seeing it, apparently.

After these message, I will give serious consideration to being right back.

“More like TalaFREAKO!” - Person whose preferred president has a bright orange face, wears cartoonishly large suits with comically long ties, and sports the most complex combover in human history

One of those cereal mascots that’s constantly jonesing for its own cereal, but it’s me and social media likes.

As someone who likes to subvert expectations, I hereby declare that I’m cuckoo for Cocoa PEBBLES.

If you’re hoping to bribe me, you’d better bring a briefcase full of likes.

Don’t forget to apply a sensible amount of pressure to that like button!