The Good Place Every Line

Ah, Tahani.

Sure, I'll do that and, uh... we can start another lesson.

Six pages, and I didn't even do that thing where I try to make it longer by starting every sentence with "Interestingly..."

Oh, you could, um, grade my paper I wrote on the concept of Dharma.

Oh, yeah, I get it.

I've been standing at this chalkboard all day.

Um, can we take a little break?

My brain is horny!

I am revved up to learn, man.

So, you want to roll right into another lesson?

Yes!

Go ahead, man.

Tahani's doing a brunch party and I want to get there before all the mini-waffles run out.

Can I be excused?

Uh, yes, Jianyu?

Um...

Thanks!

Well done.

Shockingly, that is a relevant example of the Utilitarian dilemma.

I framed one innocent gator dealer to save a 60-person dance crew.

So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards in Sheila's garage and called the cops.

It would've broken up my whole break dancing crew and Donkey Doug was our best pop-and-locker.

Sheila was gonna get married to my boy, Donkey Doug and make him move to Sarasota.

Um, okay, what?

She was a black market alligator dealer with a pierced jawbone.

It's like, I knew this girl Sheila?

Oh, dip, I get it.

If all that matters is the sum total of "goodness," then you can justify any number of bad actions, like torturing one innocent person to save a hundred, or preemptive war...

Ah, but here's the problem.

Ugh, screw all the other complicated theories, why didn't you start with this one?

I like this one. It's simple.

So, to sum up: Utilitarianism posits that the correct choice is the one that causes the most good or pleasure, and the least pain and suffering.

Good person.

I mean, I will happily get it, because I told you I would.

I ran all the way here and it was so hot.

I don't want to go all the way back.

Oh... Can you go?

Ugh. I forgot it.

So where's our yogurt?

I-I'm proud of you.

That's great.

Now I do selfless things without even thinking about it.

No, Chidi, I used to do that.

You do that?

I didn't even try a dozen samples I didn't want just to spite some jerk who told me I was holding up the line.

But now, thanks to your "good person" lessons, I didn't hold up the line.

I never did stuff like that when I was on Earth.

Dude, you don't understand!

O-okay?

Just like that! "Why don't you go ahead?"