The Drip

Farmer Calls 4 Horses In The Distance "Probably Nothing"

President Still Possessed By Satan

Verizon Call Center Replaces "Representative" With "Goddam Representative!" For Better Voice Recognition

Wordle Update Knows You Opened The Dictionary App

Secretary Of War Rents U-Haul To Relocate Liberty Bell To Office, Declines Damage Waiver

Storage Center Changes Name To "Your Children's Problem™️"

Vivek Ramaswamy To Run Attack Ad Against Orphans, "How Do We Know They Aren't To Blame For Being Orphaned?"

President's Ethnic Slurs Are How He Shows Love To Everyone, Says Pastyfaced Inbred Toothless Honky Motherfucker

Don Jr Brought In By FBI To Help Identify Mysterious White Powder

New Poll Has 50 Point Margin Of Error. Literally Just A Blank Sheet Of Paper.

Trash Crews Prefer Discarded Vape Fires In Their Trucks Vs Traditional Discarded Cigarette Fires In Their Trucks Because It's Just More Cool

Katie Zacharia Reads Historic List Of Accomplishments As Press Secretary

Katie Zacharia Not Sure What A Decoy Plane Is But Super Pumped To Be Invited Aboard

Diddy Moved To Top Bunk After Repeatedly Smashing Head On Bottom Bunk

President Fills Party Chopper With Max Number Of Ivankas

Kimberly Guilfoyle Removed as Ambassador To Greece. Will Return Souls Damned To Occupy The Shadowland.

Bird On A Wire Grows More Powerful. Plans To Make Life Hell For Seagulls.

➖OPINION➖ 𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘩𝘢 𝘏𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘏𝘶𝘮𝘦 𝘍𝘰𝘹 𝘕𝘦𝘸𝘴 𝘊𝘰𝘭𝘶𝘮𝘯𝘪𝘴𝘵 •Rep Omar entered on a refugee visa, offering nothing to the US except her "Boo Hoo My Life's in Danger" chic, hardly the hot immigrant our forefathers imagined. Melania entered on an Einstein visa for exceptional modeling. They are not the same.

Judge Orders Trump To Act Like An Adult. President Responds "MAKE ME"

Ancient Cave Art Long Interpreted To Show A Man Running And Hurling A Spear At A Wolf Now Believed To Show A Robot Hurling A Jet Plane At A Corgi While Riding A Giant Spider

Man Keeps Looking For Right Time To Tell Family He Doesn't Like Ted Lasso"

World's Oldest Human Made Terrible Tools. "He really sucked at this", says anthropologist

Pentagon Announces Ban On Big Words "Our mission is to confuse the enemy, not ourselves"

President Signs Executive Order Legalizing Siphoning Neighbor's Car

Source: Trump's Cheap Venezuelan Oil "Might Have Fallen Off A Truck"

President Fine With Bombs Hitting Southern California As Long As They Miss Camp Pendleton, Edward's Air Force Base, 29 Palms Marine Base, His Golf Course, Paramount Studios, The Port Of Los Angeles, Northrop Grumman, Lockheed Martin, And His Trump Estates At Palos Verdes

James Talarico Threatens To Improve Texans' Lives

President Threatens To Turn Ohio Into Kentucky If They Vote Dems At Midterms

The Gouldian Finch Camouflages Itself Against Its Natural Predator, Katy Perry

Local Historian Frustrated Nothing In Town Haunted

Senator Blackburn Taunts Jack Smith With Key Evidence Hidden In Her Hair "𝙔𝙤𝙪 𝙙𝙞𝙙𝙣'𝙩 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙄 𝙝𝙖𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙙𝙞𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪, 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙥𝙞𝙚𝙘𝙚 𝙤𝙛 𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙩? 𝙔𝙤𝙪 𝙢𝙖𝙠𝙚 𝙢𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙧𝙤𝙬 𝙪𝙥 𝙞𝙣 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙢𝙤𝙪𝙩𝙝."

Dinosaurs Killed By Asteroid Were Some Weak Ass Dinosaurs, Study Finds "Big, scary bullshit artists. They should have died from embarrassment"

AI Name Changed To SI (Super Intelligence) With New Motto "To Serve Man™️"

THEY'VE ACTIVATED THE CARAVAN

"I hear you bro, the Houthis suck big time, but we're out of ammo."

Waffle House To Feature New Breakaway Folding Chairs Like They Use In Wrestling

Elon Musk Abandons Mars Program To Focus On Repopulating Earth

Susan Collins Very Concerned Susan Collins Might Be Corrupt

Kool-Aid Man Dead After Trying To Catch Ceremonial First Pitch

Trump's Sniper Arch To Feature Outlet Mall, Food Court, And Interactive Conspiracy Experience

Scientist Isolates Genetic Trait Capable Of Digesting American Beef

Bear Confused By Woman Dramatically Playing Dead

President Threatens Pumpkin Spice Tariffs If Republicans Lose Midterms

Don Jr Accidentally Calls Russian Oligarch "Dad" At His Wedding. Quickly Looks Away Like It Didn't happen.

Kash Patel Stops Answering Questions On Advice Of Counsel

John Fetterman's Top Policy Advisor Increasingly Erratic

President Finds Out There's Even More Countries In The Mideast He's Never Heard Of

Trump Proposes "Just Not Paying Our Debt" "This is why the man is a genius", fawns Mike Johnson

Praying Mantis Lets Mate Live After He Does That One Thing She Prayed For

Commerce Sec Claims 100,000 Foreigners Queued To Pay $5 million For Citizenship. Also Claims He Never Saw Epstein After Epstein's Sex Offender Conviction Except For A Bunch Of Times He Forgot About & Never Traded On Inside Oil Futures Info Even Though He's Commerce Secretary But Is Incredibly Lucky.

Mr Met Forced To Explain That His Hat Is Part Of His Head