The Specious Report

Today's chuckle: A con man, a rapist and a traitor walk into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, Trump! Get the fuck outta my bar."

Reminder: 🚫 count 🐓 before 🐣

On The Campaign Trail: During Islamophobic Rant to Michiganders, Trump Rates Democrat Dr. Abdul El-Sayed's Ass a 3 in Arabic Numerals and Republican Mike Rogers' Ass an VIII in Roman Numerals

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Donald Trump: "We have five states where your child goes off to school as Tim and comes back as Tammy three or four days later. 'Goodbye Timmy, I love you so much, I'll see you later.' And you say, 'Where's my son? My son is in the hospital.' Can you imagine? They don't even need approval."

Correction: Earlier, we reported President Trump would be surveying damage in flood-ravaged Western states today. He is actually attending campaign rallies in Florida to insist he should have been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. We apologize for the error.

Washington Insider Report: White House Staffers Concerned President Trump May Run Out Of Things To Rename Before The End Of His Term In Office; Will Recommend He Start Renaming White House Staffers

International Affairs: U.S. Special Envoy Steve Witkoff Nominates Vladimir Putin For Humanitarian Service Medal; Trump Offers To Share FIFA Peace Prize Every Other Weekend

Department Of War News: Pete Hegseth Blames Aides For Damaging Priceless World War II-Era Eisenhower Globe After Ordering It Moved Into His Pentagon Office Department Of Metaphor News: So, do we get the rest of the day off?

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With apologies to Chris Rock

Correction: "You Can See Everything" is not a "Melania" prequel documenting the First Lady's early modeling career. We apologize for the misunderstanding.

Strange But True: Dick has five apples. He gives two apples to Jane. Donald Trump is a pedophile and a traitor.

Breaking News: Trump Signs Order Exempting Russia From Sanctions Law Passed By Congress In September; Graham And McConnell Heard Rolling In Their Graves

Quote Of The Day: "I've forgotten bananas on my windowsill that lasted longer than Katie Zacharia."

Breaking News: Man With Ten Birds Stuffed In His Underpants Arrested At Miami Airport; Insists They Are Emotional Support Animals

Today's Chuckle: Why did Donald Trump rush down to the mall? He heard young girl's dresses were half off.

There's always next year...

Update: Christa Pike's Lawyer Reveals Her First Question After Regaining Consciousness Was "Is He Dead Yet?"

Trophy Wife, Before and After:

Brain Teaser: If President Trump replaced the Lincoln Memorial statue with one of himself, how long would it take to fall asleep?

Breaking News: Public Health Officials Warn Mnemonic Plague Poses The Most Serious Threat They Can Remember

NO HOPE...

Breaking News: The Nobel Foundation Has Awarded Dr. Francis Halzen The 2026 Prize In Physics; Still No Decision From FIFA.

Breaking News: American Air Force Personnel Recalled From RAF Fairford For Mandatory Testosterone Screening

Well, That's Showbiz: Pitch Package For "Leavitt Family Values" Reality Series Fails To Generate Interest; Karoline Leavitt Opts For Alternate Reality Programming At Fox News

Ladies and gentlemen, The President of the United States

Pope Leo XIV says algorithms lack "the spark of humanity"

Breaking News: Tennessee Department Of Corrections Enlists I.C.E. Advisors To Determine More Effective Method Of Executing Prisoners

Honored Guests: Fatties, Trannies, Beardos, Weirdos, Wimps And Radicals Expected To Be Front Row Observers At Pete Hegseth's Future War Crimes Trial

Like father, like son...

Wouldn't this be a glorious sight to behold?

Health Scare: Thousands Of C-SPAN Viewers Report Throwing Up In Their Mouths While Listening To Louisiana Senator John Kennedy

Tech Update: President Trump Does Not Support Government Guardrails On A.I. Development; Says He Welcomes Much-Needed Help Destroying The World

Technology News: Release Of A.I. Model GPT 6.1 Astra Cancelled After Plan To Wipe Out Humanity Exposed; Delay Expected To Last Until Everyone Forgets In A Week Or Two

Helpful Hint: Before you drive all the way to the stadium, look at your ticket and make sure you're not an idiotic buffoon.

An elegy for Daphy Michel, a mentally ill asylum seeker. Detained by ICE, she was abandoned at a bus stop in 20 degree weather in summer clothes. She froze to death. on.soundcloud.com/ZSSHJOuKAFpg...

Reminder: Most of the storage in those data centers you hate so much is used for photos of your lunch, videos of your pet, and GPS data showing you've gone to the same grocery store a bazillion times.

Reminder: Your President Has The Authority To Classify Anything He Says Or Does As "National Security" Just By Thinking About It. So Just To Be Safe, Don't Talk About Anything He Says Or Does.

What Could Possiblyy G術 Wrond?

White House defends media ban, saying access is a "privilege"

Health News: Trump Administration Ejects More Than 750,000 Enrollees From The Affordable Care Act Insurance Marketplace; Promises $5,000 Dirt-Nap Dividend If They Vote For Republicans In November Midterms

Profiles in...

Breaking News: CNN, MS-NOW And Politico Have Sued The Trump Administration, Saying His Decision To Bar Them From... wait a minute... wait... WE CAN SUE THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION???

Let's find out, shall we?