Paul Bassett Davies

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

Discourage hungry zombies from attempting to eat your brain at Halloween by wearing a Donald Trump mask.

Don’t forget to stock up on sugary treats for Halloween. You’ll need something to eat while you hide in the dark, pretending to be out.

There has never been a better time to turn pale, rise abruptly from the dinner table, stare around wildly as if assailed by some eldritch vision of creeping horror, stride swiftly from the room, pack a valise, close the front door softly behind you, and vanish without a trace.

Hello darkness, my old friend. You're early. Fuck off.

Want something scary for Halloween? Try my chilling psychological thriller set in a remote Scottish island, where a dark secret lurks within a small community. (For extra chills, listen to the audiobook and hear my range of terrifying Scottish accents.) www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1785...

We're being told to stockpile against shortages that could be caused by impending cyberwars. But what should we be stockpiling? Me, I'm planning to stockpile long tracking shots of eerily empty supermarket aisles, which will be in high demand from the media. I'll make a fortune.

The best thing about the clocks going back is that when you wake up as usual at 3am, paralysed by dread, you find it’s only 2am and oh god the aching void of night will never end.

I hate the clocks going backwards and forwards. When I was young, we didn’t even have clocks. If we got hungry, we ate each other. We were poor, but we were happy. Good times. Not that we had time. It hadn’t been invented. We had to make our own time out of string and cholera.

Some mornings you’re the storm, some mornings you’re the trampoline.

Latest: Melania Trump has brokered a peace deal between Narnia and Mordor.

Very strong winds now, and I'm worried about the shed in my garden. I've never seen it before.

This is a terrible time to have a storm. They should have waited until the weather improved so people could go out and enjoy it.

A storm is approaching. Batten down your hatches. If you don’t have any hatches, you can buy some from your local hatchmonger. And if you need extra battens, visit the batten-burgher.

Having the BBC is a bit like having a face: you may not like everything about it, but you'd miss it if crazed mandrills ate it in the middle of the night.

What I lack in concentration, I more than make up for in hey what if bees could play chess.

The difference between Steve Witkoff and a jellyfish is that a jellyfish couldn't fit into Vladimir Putin's rectum because it's already occupied by Steve Witkoff.

We get it, squirrels. You have extremely urgent matters to take care of. Carry on.

Samuel Taylor Coleridge, born on this day in 1772, is still alive and kicking (but not the habit) in my novel, Dead Writers in Rehab, where he's making trouble in group therapy with Dorothy Parker, Ernest Hemingway, and other deceased literary substance abusers. www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1785...

Truly waterproof clothing makes you sweat. In the rain, therefore, you can choose only the source of the moisture. Thus we conclude that the universe wants you to be wet either way. Thank you for attending my TED talk. Next: the mystery condition that prevents Russell Brand from buttoning his shirt.

No, your email doesn’t find me well. I wish it hadn’t found me at all. No, these times are not unprecedented; they just feel that way because they’ve never happened to you before. No, I can’t join the Zoom meeting. I’m busy growing my hair that day. Yes, you stay safe too.

What I lack in common sense, I make up for in the great benefits I'll receive from replying to “publishing insiders” who love my books so much that they've written long descriptions of them that could only be a result of reading them closely, rather than using AI to scrape the internet, for sure.

There has never been a better time to dress as an adult baby and stand outside your enemy's house all night holding a placard with a big question mark on it.

My new play is on in Brighton, Nov 6th-8th. I’m performing one of the two roles. Running time is 70 minutes, so if you’re coming from London, there’s plenty of time to get back the same evening. Or come and stay at the seaside! Limited tickets, book now! www.ticketsource.com/act/2nd-chan...

Sometimes I wish I had the kind of wealth, power, privilege, influence, connections, and extensive media platform you need these days to become an enemy of the establishment elite.

It’s raining, it’s Sunday: maybe go to church. It’s cheaper than the movies, the audience is quieter, and the stories are usually better.

We get it, philosophers. On the one hand this, but on the other hand that, and in conclusion something else.

Well, this is lovely and heartwarming. www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Any car can be a flying car if you make a sharp enough turn on a mountain road.

When you carve a face into a pumpkin you give it life. You bestow the mystery of consciousness upon it. The torment of self-knowledge. The agonising awareness of its own mortality and eventual doom. Existential dread. Horror. Pain. Never sleep in the same room as that pumpkin.

Are you a young blonde woman with a few days to spare in Washington, D.C.? Why not consider becoming White House press secretary? No qualifications or experience are necessary; the only requirements are low intelligence, delusional self-confidence, and creepy devotion to a narcissistic sociopath.

The difference between a flying car and an extremely inefficient unmanned light aircraft is four wheels and one egomaniac.

Mark my words, there's a lesson here for all of us. *gestures vaguely at everything, everywhere*

I was thinking about violating a hosepipe ban by watering my garden but it’s raining too hard to go outside.

It's Nietzsche's birthday. Please be aware that the abyss will be closed today for a private function.

AI isn’t just about enhancing human creativity. There are many other things it also can’t do.

It's just as well that William the Conqueror won the Battle of Hastings. With a name like that, it would have been embarrassing if he'd lost. Lucky bastard.

Today's lesson for Europe: if your national security relies on US oligarchs' tech, they'll cut you off when you most need it.

What I lack in fierce concentration and relentless focus, I more than make up for in whatever I was thinking about a moment ago.

I love this time of year when the leaves turn and the low autumnal sun catches the glorious blazing reds, oranges and yellows of Donald Trump’s head.

Be careful not to carve your Halloween pumpkin too early. For example, if it’s still in the shop and you haven’t paid for it yet, that’s too early.

Strange how things turn out. With Trump, America elected a phoney TV hero and got a clown for a president. With Zelensky, Ukraine elected an actual TV clown and got a hero for a president.

Margaret Thatcher was born on this day in 1925. It's easy to forget she's been dead for thirteen years while the world is still infested with drooling Thatcherite ghouls, scavenging for yet more sacrifices to lay at the decomposing altar of the free market.

JUDGE: Before I pass sentence, can you offer a motive for this savage assault and murder? PRISONER: I told him I’d mislaid my keys... JUDGE: Go on. PRISONER: He asked me where I’d last seen them. JUDGE: Case dismissed. You leave this court without a stain on your character.

The Nobel committee should create a prize for people who've never won a prize, and give it to Trump. He would then have to give it back, because he's now got a prize. But giving it back makes him eligible for the prize once again, and so on, in a perpetual loop. It might explode his tiny brain.

If you'd told me 30 years ago that in 2026 America would be a fascist enemy of democracy and Russia's ally against Europe, I'd have had questions for you. Like, how did you get here from the future? What do you mean, invest in Apple? THAT Donald Trump? Holy shit.

Columbus Day is now more commonly celebrated as Indigenous Peoples’ Day because Columbus “discovered” America only in the same sense that George W. Bush discovered Iraq and Hitler discovered Poland.

Andy Burnham says it is 'clear' Russia interfered with the Brexit vote. In other news: strong evidence emerges that the Pope has a profound attachment to catholicism, and that bears may be using woodland areas to defecate.

My new play is on in Brighton. I'm performing one of the two roles. Running time 70 mins, so if you're coming from London you can get back the same evening. Or stay over. (I can remember when "a dirty weekend at the seaside" didn't refer to sewage in the water.) www.ticketsource.com/act/2nd-chan...

Once again, Donald Trump has negotiated a dramatic peace deal between warring factions in the sparsely populated region that is the inside of his own tiny mind.