Thomas A. Long

World Series, Nurse Ratched! I wonder what the players do after these games. Cocaine and hookers? In the '70s, probably yes. Now, I dunno. Do they play video games and give each other handies? That's more likely. It's not gay, it's camaraderie.

I think that deep down what Trump really wants to be is camp. And he can't. He can't be it.

I'm hilarious, because I had Tovah Feldshuh mixed up in my mind with Tova Borgnine. Ah ha ha ha upon and at me! Because earlier today I was like, "Wow, Ernest Borgnine's wife is still alive. And she's a z-word."

Simple explanation. Natalie ordered Chinese food, and she found the cookie inspiring.

It is nowhere near that difficult to find a lawnmower's clitoris.

Ruin a song by adding "In My Pants" to the title Put Your Hand In The Hand In My Pants

This site sucks. And by "site," I mean "planet."

When my dad got really mad at me, he would ask me if I had a death wish. I never replied, mostly because I was scared, but partly because I wasn't sure. I'm still working on an answer. Do I have a death wish? Well ... I'm thinking! I'm thinking!

I denounce denunciation. And de udder nunciation. I denounce all dem nunciations. Pronunciation. Antinunciation. The kaboodle.

I got Bob Dylan's voice in my bones And they call it ost- eoporosis

My dad loved that Huey Lewis song, "I Want a New Drug," but he was hearing "new truck." My sister and I set him straight, and he was very disappointed. I think he decided to pretend he hadn't heard it.

I quit using Twitter so I could get away from constantly seeing inane and odious bullshit. But now everyone posts screen grabs of that bullshit here for all the goddamn rage-aholics. Come on, maaaan.

It's definitely going to be Dodgers vs. Rays in the World Series. And that prediction gives me no pleasure. On the other hand, I'm going to forget all about it faster than a goldfish forgets about its own reflection. So fuck it.

What happened to Atom Ant's middle legs? OK OK I can do my own research into the Atom Ant backstory. Sorry.

Asparagus pee! Ah, that's a friend not smelt in some time. (In Brian Blessed voice.)

I like long naps, and I cannot lie.

If I were the White Sox, I simply would not strike out 1,000 times.

White Sox pitchers seem to have come down with a nasty case of Cubsitis.

"Only Five Words. (Dad Joke.)"

I was a golf course groundskeeper for four summers, and Caddyshack got that ... no, actually, Caddyshack got that pretty much right.

At old County Stadium in Milwaukee, the "Harvey's Wallbangers" Brewers of 1982 had just defeated the Orioles. I heard an ancient codger exclaim, "This is the god damn team to beat!" Sadly, that is what the Cardinals did to the Brewers in the World Series, but maybe they have another shot this year.

I wish I had some drugs that may or may not exist, but if they do exist, I certainly don't have them. (Huey Lewis First Draft Theatre.)

Human life has no value at all to the people in charge of the USA.

This is the dawning of the Age of Super Intelligence! Age of Super Intelligence! Super Intelllll-ihhh-juuuuntz!!!

White Sox keep taking their collective boot off of the Astros' collective neck. They should not make it a habit.

I don't render opinions, I render O'Funyuns. And if you render Funyuns carefully, you can make pure Funyun lard, which makes divine French fries. In my O'Funyun.

All the "burden of proof" palaver in manager's video review challenges in MLB games cracks me up, because that concept doesn't even work all that great in court.

I'm in a very mellow enclave, but there are noises sometimes. I've been here so long I feel like part of the terrain.

youtu.be/pFC5_zuTpO8?... Why is PCA in the Russian Navy?

All this talk about my "bandwidth" at work ... bandwidth this, bandwidth that. All I can really say for sure is that, with my width, I prefer the band to be elastic. For comfort.

It's a shame that the Cubs and Red Sox have to play game 162 in the ugliest stadium in MLB.

Cubs facing the Padres in the first round of the post-season reminds me uncomfortably of 1984. Not the book. The baseball season.

I'm probably wrong, but it seems to me like "Seiya Suzuki called out on strikes" has been a major theme of the 2026 Cubs season. He's allergic to protecting the plate.

Cubs have a hard time hitting in cool weather. Not ideal if you're located in Chicago and the championship tournament happens in October.