Thoughtbarf

THERAPIST: HOW DO YOU STAY CONNECTED TO PEOPLE? ME: I FIND A REEL ON INSTAGRAM AND SEND IT TO THEM. THERAPIST: NO.

10am - anything is possible 2pm - but not today

Adulthood is soup and I am a fork

*Shuts down laptop.* I think that's enough internet for today. *Picks up phone* Let's see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.

Today I will be choosing violence

The older I get, the stayer I home

Adulting is soup and I am a fork

The older I get the more I understand why cats just walk around mid conversation

Adulthood is a scam I want to be a crow

10:00 am - anything is possible 2:00 pm - but not today

I am an adult the same way the ocean is a fruit

What are you doing with your life? Me: it's a surprise.

Eating a second cookie because I ate the first one absentmindedly and didn't appreciate it enough

Why is there so much day left at the end of my energy

Life and all that comes along with it. 🎀 t.me/EverythingNo...

You can't have a bad day at work if you don't go

I love when doctors say "avoid stress" like I can just unsubscribe from economy and become a decorative gargoyle

You don't have to be everyone's cup of tea. Be a laxative. Move people. Cleanse them.

*Shuts down laptop.* I think that's enough internet for today. *Picks up phone* Let's see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.

I hate how your family just stops giving you money for your birthday as you get older. Like I need it more now than when I was 7 Susan I'm starving

Adult is a scam I want to be a crow

t.me/EverythingNo...

You go ahead and have that 4th coffee. There's people out there doing crack.

ME: what's for dinner KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

I bring a sort of "why do we do it this way" vibe to the work place that most don't like

Babe is an insane name, please refer to me as supreme leader.

Coffee has water in it. Follow me for more health and wellness tips.

Me: *Having an intrusive thought and shaking my head to show the mind readers I don't approve.*

I love when doctors say "avoid stress" like I can just unsubscribe from economy and become a decorative gargoyle

*Shuts down laptop.* I think that's enough internet for today. *Picks up phone* Let's see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.

Yeah I'm a handful but so are my b00bs

Used to sneak out my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house

If I laugh during an argument, please know that the psycho part of my brain has been activated

Eating the second cookie because I ate the first one absentmindedly and didn't appreciate it enough

"Who got you smiling like that?" Me. I'm insane.

Let yourself be loved you grumpy little shit

Find a man who stares at you like you're the prettiest little demon he's ever seen in his life

when someone tells you that u can't pet a wild animal that's a real hater mentality. "it's going to attack you" uhh?? have u considered im going to be extra nice to him ?

FRIEND: I'm worried about you. ME: *Dunks oreo in tequila* Why?

I said "Never again," but then I agained

You can't have a bad day at work if you don't go

No offense but why would you decide to go big if the other option is to go home

Doing stuff is hard. Shoutout to anyone who does anything.

Me: but i want it Ambulance driver [passing dairy queen] I said no.

Vicks is just spicy vaseline

Dear women, We like you for your brain. Sincerely, Zombies.

Thinking about the time i went to a planetarium and someone booed when they showed the earth

Doing things is hard. Shoutout to anyone who does anything.

Maturing in marriage is realizing that there is a direct correlation between your wife's happiness and your house looking like nobody actually lives in it.

*spits mouthful of blood onto the floor* You've become far more powerful since we last crossed paths Dentist: Please stop, there's literally a sink right next to you.