corpse eating dog

Do these oil derricks make oil or are they for looks only

(guy who has lived his entire life on a plane and never been in the ground) women be skymalling

Back when I dated men they would always ask to go in the cockpit and leave me to guard the seats. Now that I date women they’re too busy going to the bathroom and shopping at sky mall to go in the cockpit and I get some much deserved pilot time to myself

I always worry when I go on a plane that the pilot is going to be a bit of a prankster and fly the plane into the ground

Men will literally go on a plane and act like they’re entitled to go in the cockpit I wish I was lesbin

I’m a nervous flyer can I go in the cockpit

You guys are really personable

Roku City, Israel

Smoking weed out of a beer can keeps you young

Work is great if you like soending four hours explaining to your lesbian coworker what you meant by calling your cousin Disney gay

I don’t want to lean into the tired old stereotype that everyone who sings lead vocals on a Meat Loaf album is gay but

Meat Loaf: were gonna go all the way tonight we’re gonna go all the way tonights the night, were gonna go all the way tonight were gonna go all the way tonight’s the night Meat Loaf’s accountant: uhhh gimme a call back when you get this Meat….. I did not understand what annuities were. Like, at all

Gf kept taking my adderall and texting me being like it made me feel all weird and sleepy and the other day we figured out that she’d actually been taking my trazodone

king detritus

Eva Braun was an uggo

Taika Waititi should cast Sydney sweeney as Eva Braun in jojo rabbit 2 and she should show off her tits

You’d love it, it’s like Taika Waititi’s Schindeler’s List

We scared the pussy out of the undergrowth but it doubled back along the creek bed and the hounds lost its scent

What do you think happens to me after i die

If this was the dark ages I would have been the most successful guy from my high school

After the fall of the Roman Empire no one on earth ate a raisin for 5,000 years

S’not for airports mate. Eno’s just having a bit o fun with ya

We didn’t have a lot of money growing up so my parents made me pick between cock torture and ball torture

(Negging my monks) these manuscripts are not that illuminated

My life a all you can eat buffet. Hi, I’m corpse eating dog

I don’t know who hila Klein is but if she’s anything like Eva Braun then I don’t care

My knee is still messed up and I’m puking from travel anxiety a day earlier than usual and now I have to bike to work in the rain

Everyone could end up with exactly the pills they want if we communicated openly with kindness and understanding

Don’t call it anxiety. I have battle feelings.

Do I give off lying about having a dog to get dog pills vibes

Kids should be able to take whatever medications tbey want

Trading adderall for klonopin at a 4:1 exchange rate like a settler of catan

If I ever met Chris Pratt’s kid I would drown him to ensure a secular humanist future

Freebasing a living man and then freebasing a dead body to test if the soul gets you high via the scientific method

Nathan: why is the joke funny Me: because Italians are too emotional Nathan: ok. Costello is of Norman Irish origin Me: no it ends in a O

Fold, coward. You are only going to fold a phone

If you fold your phone again I’m going to kill you

draconic rotship

Getting a new phone is a sign of defeat like gelding or having to go to court ordered drug class

If the war in Ukraine was a little boy it would be old enough to drink beer by now. Not legally but, you know. Shoulder tap.

Me: lol look kids The Blowjob Burger has something called vacuum sauce on it My 9 year old son Zelensky: vacuums dont blow tbey suck dad Me: go wait in the car Zelensky

Do you think Mr Peanut’s shell protects him from CTE or do you think we could give it to him

Making peanut butter is a blue collar job like plumber or oil rig

Me: I’m a bit skeptical about your name Samuel Hentai, CPA: you know I get that a lot but actually getting made fun of for it so much as a child brought me close to the numbers and made me a better accountant in the end Me: yeah idk about all that I was just hoping for something a bit more Jewish

Peanut butter for men. Instead of creamy it’s called smooth. Still working out some other details.