Topper

Whenever I touch the door handle of my holiday home, I get an electric shock. It's a static caravan.

After the car crash, I had to get a spinal plaster cast. That set me back.

I picked up the phone. A voice said "Dance, dance, dance… dance to the radio!". It was just a Curtissy call.

"I'll take you out somewhere nice". - A sensitive Hitman.

I insisted that it be noted that, despite using a track with no bends, I ran the fastest 400m. I just wanted to set the record straight.

I've just bought a duffle coat - In case it duffles.

I told the police I shoplifted because my Mother had never hugged me. They held me in a cell overnight.

I'm the kind of guy who calls a spade a spade. Which is rather good, because "diggy-diggy stick" just sounds ridiculous.

Fact: People with a more positive outlook on life have a tendency to be drunk.

"Have you got Lionel Richie?" "Sir, this is a book shop." "Oh, in that case, have you got Lionel Richie and the Wardrobe?"

"I'm sorry I'm late, I got held up." - Simba.

Playing football on a hillside pitch and the ref gave me a yellow card for running downhill. I was booked for descent...

TIP: Save money on mirrors by being a twin.

TIP: Save vital time spent reading clothing labels by simply keeping *all* garments away from fire.

I tell people my job as a stripper is a ‘career’, but it’s only just taking off.

I'm being treated for delusional presumption - well, you know what they say…

I've nearly finished writing "My biograp

Horses f'courses. And this is how baby foals are made.

Twelvety-one plus threeteen equals eleventy-seven. I'll be honest, I’m not a real maths teacher - I’m just here to make up the numbers.

I'm not alarmist but I hate llamas and I think they should all go home.

I’ve been subscribing to Tobacco Coloured Sandals magazine for several years now. I’ve got lots of baccy shoes.

TIP: Ensure that if you go to hospital you're not surrounded by friends and family. It seldom ends well.

OK, so I have a giant pack of cards. Deal with it.

My girlfriend dumped me for being apathetic. I was going to ask, "A pathetic...what??" But then I realised I didn't care.

The murder victims were found posed like Dalí paintings. Police say it looks like the work of a surreal killer.

TIP: Impress people with your vocabulary by describing stuff and things well and that.

My girlfriend wanted me to go to a fancy-dress party as a flamingo but I had to put my foot down.

My girlfriend says she's going to enter a naked jelly wrestling contest with six of her friends. I think I'll be the judge of that

Am I disappointed that my voice activated car is not working properly? Yes, it goes without saying.

Doctor: “So you say you've got a stiff back?” Morgue Attendant: “Yeah, we released it to the wrong family apparently”.

I visited a vet with my dog that moves one inch every five days. “Sorry” he said, “but it may take a long time to heel”.

Sinister forces are at work. But they should be home around seven if you want to pop round after that.

Mathematicians get their kicks on 8.1240384.

My father always said "Don’t always be looking for faults". Lovely man, terrible seismologist.

My ex left me because I kept lying about pointless things. Imagine that - leaving the inventor of the sandwich toaster.

I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank. I have no word to describe how angry I am.

I made a whopping six figures last year. I was also fired from the toy factory for being too slow.

Some guy just said he was going to attack me with a guitar neck. I said, “Is that a fret?”

“The Babybels! The Babybels!” - The Lunch-Pack of Notre Dame.

Scientists have grown human vocal cords from stem cells in a lab. They say the results speak for themselves.

My girlfriend asked me to put syrup on the shopping list. Now she's annoyed because it's all sticky and apparently I can't “Follow simple instructions”.

My neighbour keeps posting joss sticks through my letterbox. I’m incensed.

The magician asked me if it was the card I was thinking of. I didn't answer. It was a trick question.

I've got 99 problems... and they're all balloons that Nena wants me to blow up. (One for the teenagers there).

The first rule of thumb club is not definite… more of a guideline.

A coworker has been made redundant and is looking for a job. So if you know of any cows that need orking, please get in touch.

There once was a man from Peru. Whose limerick was three lines too few.

I've just seen a van with 'Roofing' and 'Waterproofing' written on the side. Now I'm intrigued as to what type of building a 'waterp' is.

First Mate: "The men be ready to attack" Pirate: "Arr! " First Mate: "Oh sorry...the men "are" ready to attack".

FACT: I once took a piss next to Pierce Brosnan at the BAFTAs. Security came and put me on another table.