Town Guard

Vials of acid make decent splash weapons, aye, but they also polish metals nicely if thou dilutes it with nine parts water.

Aye, I love the missus so. But this be the season she sheds for her winter coat, and no amount of sweeping and swatting will keep our linens from being covered in fur. And our floors. And chairs. And table. And my gambeson. Perchance if she were a sheep I'd be a rich man.

Didst thou misplace a grappling hook? Our night watch hath found it clasped to the wall (with your rope, no less!) Please come and collect it.

"Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder" Wrong! We hath put about six crossbow bolts in that bastard

Never fool thyself, thou art part of nature. Not separate from it.

"slow cooker"? Thou can just say cauldron, we know what thou means

Bastard was a spoon he was.

If thou art going to a Red Rider Inn, be aware that at least one glass (or perhaps plate?) is a mimic that will steal thy lunch. Town watch is investigating.

Running low on rushlights. Perchance I should spoil mine self with a few proper candles.

An apple a day keeper the apothecary away. A pint a night keeps the guard all right.

Turkey leg? What in the hells is a turkey?

Drop me bill in the lake, and some bint comes out offering me a bill made of silver or my old bill. Naturally, I want my good steel bill back. But it doesn't stop there, aye. She gives me a bill made of gold in it's stead. Gold! The softest metal I know! Anyway, I sold it at market.

Chain-Maile:Thou hast been beset cursed words! Forward this missive unto 5 of thy kith, else thy fields dry to ruin and thy home anathema to health!

Bad day for Rogues: I made it to work on time

Aye, armor will protect thee from the slings and arrows of men. But they still smart, I assure thee.

Too many sleeping potion overdoses these days. Not enough Prince Charmings to undo the Faerun fold.

The greatest lie every told be "it is every man for himself". Nay, ser. A man by himself in the woods is a deadman. A village endures together.

Back in my day, fighters stood next to their opponent and swung until someone (they or it) went down. I know not of "misty step" or "leap", or whatever madness "flanking" be.

I have been informed that the vampire lord known as McConnell hath returned from his deathrest.

If thou partook in the brown moon leaf, thou mayest want to see an apothecary

Ay, the purser hath given me mine salary. Time to live like a princeling for but a few days!!!

Counting or not counting goblin raids?

A wiser man than I said that every mistake be a lesson in life. Incidentally, I am quite educated in life.

HEART-WARMING: Local mages discover new way to light human organs aflame while still within the body.

A lord, a bastard, and a villain walk into a tavern. The keeper sayeth; "drinking alone again, mi'lord?"

There be a few mages who stand near the wall and watch which ships come down the river with great excitement. I envy their passion

Nay, I don't want a "working lunch", I want a "lunch break". Those be two different things 🙄

We're seeing fairy triangles. Is everything all well in the faewild or...?

We get sieges once a year, and the damned purser still wont buy the watch decent mail.

Unrelated: Are you a rogue without any parents? Do you have skills in assassination? The king is currently seeking applicants in a new venture.

Announcement: The king has declared Ghakgore Limbripper as the rightful winner and besieger of our city. As such, he has offered (1) mulligan to allow Limbripper to return in one year's time after restoring his strength and resume his rightful siege of our very wealthy and barely defended town.

Update: they be fighting now over the right to attack our city

ANNOUNCEMENT: The king, in his majesty, has decided Terror-Lord Amrik the Befouled as the rightful and true besieger of our glorious city, and not the pretender Grakgore Limbripper. Only once the pretender is cast away shall we enjoy a honorable siege of our most wealthy city.

ANNOUNCEMENT: The king, in his majesty, has decided Grakgore Limbripper as the rightful and true besieger of our glorious city, and not the pretender Terror-Lord Amrik the befouled. Only once the pretender is cast away shall we enjoy a honorable siege of our most wealthy city.

Siege update: a second army hath come to siege the city. All parties involved appear quite surprised and confused on how to proceed forward.

Naught new to report.

Just watch. Something silly is going to happen and the siege will be over in a week.

worst part about a siege (other than the obvious) is that since no one comes or goes from the gate, I have to spend my entire shift staring at naught.

still under siege btw

Got a new quern.

And these loathsome wretches won't stop lobbing shot into our very nice walls. Only months to go. Or weeks. Or a day. Who knows.

Worst part of a siege is that I know one of two things art going to happen: - a wizard will be returning from vacation, be blocked, and cast powerword: dysentery on the sieging army. - Lord Fuckwad will sit his happy ass on the hill with a relief force until the King agrees to give him a new title.

City under siege btw Don't go out of the walls

Update: second rock now found in newly destroyed tower. We suspect some strange weather phenomenon.

We've ruled out hill giants. Leading theory is now "very large magic missile".

Large section of the wall found smashed this morning. Giant metal rock believed to be the culprit. The Watch is investigating.

Some army of deserters and bandits hath made camp outside the wall. And, get this, they're pointing a large wheeled cooking pot at the wall. What art they going to do, pour soup into the moat?

Much of the nobility embraced vampirism. Their whole "invitation thing" is why guardsmen welcome thee to the city before crossing the threshold. Apparently implied invitation works for them.

The nice part of a background story is that they art a beginning, not thy end.

Love and solidarity to the skeletons of Monsters & Minions Local 1 for striking against unsafe necromancy. # Better a skull than a scab