Trident Rose

I could be the cookiecutter shark to your aquatic megafauna.

"Which horror movie has the best -" Alien. The answer is Alien.

Would you still love me if I was Liberty Biberty?

Call me a data analyst the way I sodomize pie.

People who get memorial car stickers are just giving free fuel to road ragers.

I feel like my bigender friend could rock a fupa, but all his skinny bitchass eats is soup.

My uncle, who doesn't believe in modern medicine, has lost his leg due to not taking diabetes medication while also suffering from long covid. Am I supposed to feel bad?

Consider the following: toothpaste on tacos.

Someone please explain to me why I have fucking Disco Snails stuck in my head at 7 in the morning.

Life is like a baby: when it doesn't do what you want, shake it up a bit.

Are we joking?

My sleep paralysis demon is a young black girl that sounds like Nickelback.

Chris Pratt looks like Ed Sheeran if Ed Sheeran looked like a human.

You're telling me that no one has begun a legally distinct, boat-themed ice cream truck with a mouse mascot and named it Cream Float Willie?

If Heaven is a utopia, what's to say Hell isn't just Heaven's bureaucracy office where the paperwork is completed to keep Heaven perfect?

Let the record show I started a 30 minute long, 3-person argument I wasn't even a part of just by sending a picture of an anthropomorphic wolf with a fat ass.

I hope the person that invented appendicitis went to hell, why would they go and make that?

Traditional news can no longer be trusted as a reliable source; that's why I get all my information from the independent social media news page The Queefening.

Every day, I get just the smallest bit closer to taking matters into my own hands and purchasing a firearm.

Last night, I watched the original Scary Movie but drank every time something unexpected was said or done. I was drunk after 23 minutes. I ran out of alcohol after 56.

Daddy long legs? No bueno. Mommy thick thighs? Muy bueno.

I'm eating this trail mix like it's cat food, I love this shit.

Couples costume idea: mad scientist and a humuculous.

My friend lost their 221-day cyber grind streak on 9/11, does this mean anything?

Jason Derulo isn't white?

Help, my girlfriend's rabbit is a zionist.

I made a kirkiversary joke at work and that shit did NOT land.

I once murdered a family member to Mambo Number 5.

Grimace is at the top of my hear-me-out cake.

There is no such thing as a pessimist, only a realist through the eyes of an optimist.

Getting tattoos should be a classified symptom of autism.

Would the fear of houses be referred to as homophobia?

Home Depot is just the aquarium for middle aged people.

I was definitely a leopard seal in a past life.

I am very pleasantly surprised that no restaurant has done a "6 for $7" deal.

Keep the A out of STEM.

On today's episode of Spotify whiplash: Il Vento d'Oro from JJBA into Karma Police by Radiohead.

Is Mei good against Juno, given it's ice against an alien?

How many layers of bubble wrap would it take to save a person skydiving without a parachute?

Two days ago, I was planning to skip work on Thursday because I was told execs would be visiting. Yesterday, I was told that baked ziti would be served due to the execs visiting. Today is Thursday, I showed up an hour early so my break overlapped with the baked ziti arriving. They got my ass...

Even the tiniest of toots become beefy braps for those eating ass.

I wish I could send a bitch to the milk dimension.

Helluva Boss is literally just The Office for people who are unable to fully incorporate themselves into society.

If the Sift dimension doesn't come to core Minecraft in the next year or so, people are going to be PISSED.

Find yourself someone who'll do the reverse Brita filter with you.

If you start your day with anything other than water, you're starting your day wrong.