Umbrella Corporation Updates

elaine explained to me that she's a cannibal, not infected, so i withdrew my HR complaint

Several T5 Umbrella executives were killed in the incident last week, obviously there will be some management changes to follow. Unfortunately their PAs were also killed, so all T4 management and below are now locked out of their computers while we wait for IT.

Michelle dropped the squid-DNA without wearing PPE so now she has accidentacles.

ATTN: if you have been bitten by the experiment on level 27, please ensure you also get bitten by the experiment on level 28 before you leave for the day.

subject: too many arms there are too many arms in the arm lab please advise

we made a guy that vomits highly corrosive acid, but we forgot to make him resistant to acid and he melted himself, and also none of our mops are resistant to acid... oh and Steven tried to use the vacuum cleaner, so we need a new vacuum cleaner

We've heard your feedback about the number of rats in our products. As of September 10th, Umbrella health product labels will include a rat disclosure. Rats are a powerful tool, and we're committed to exploring the limitless potential of putting rats inside of other things.

my wife is mad at me because i injected our daughter with an untested virus strain, and i said "honey, the virus manifests as a carrier state infection in subjects under 5 years old," and apparently our daughter is 11 so now she's mad about two things

my wife is mad at me because i injected our daughter with an untested virus strain, and i said "honey, the virus manifests as a carrier state infection in subjects under 5 years old," and apparently our daughter is 11 so now she's mad about two things

the threat system is super easy to remember: GREEN is all okay, YELLOW is situation normal, ORANGE is standard active monitoring, AMBER is high level normal, GOLD is security notified, and RED is 4 minutes until facility self-destruct

edmonds.ari (9:19am): someone left a baby in the hydroponics lab??? edmonds.ari (10:56am): nvm it was a very small tyrant

Yet another reminder for staff to avoid spitting in public areas unless you are a Spitter Class BOW, submitting a spit test to medical, or your mouth is full of blood for WORK REASONS ONLY. My point is, there are plenty of places to spit if you need it.

This facility is under a Code Veronica lockdown. All subjects named Veronica have been released from containment. Do not approach any women named Veronica.

Got problems? Just fill it with drugs! Empty storeroom, warehouse, island? Fill it with drugs. Unserved world market? Fill it with drugs. Local homeless population? Neglected prisoners? Ice cream trucks? Fill it. Drug-filled CEO rampaging inside a volcano? You BET you're gonna fill that with drugs.

m.riffen (8:36am): i've been assigned to the wrong team... i asked to be put on the project for breeding human faces onto cockroaches and instead i have been put with the team sewing cockroaches onto human faces

don't put f--king googly eyes on the harvested organs, I shouldn't have to keep saying this

Having an open office means keeping your busy colleagues in mind. Where possible, please use the soundproofed pods to mutate rather than doing so at your desk.

sure when the company keeps little girls locked in the basement it's inovative research, but when i do it-

sure when the company keeps little girls locked in the basement it's inovative research, but when i do it-

Today's team meeting has been moved to the L17 conference room as the L16 rooms are full of meat.

hi Paul, trying new slogans for next AGM: Umbrella. Now divested of 99% of our nuclear weapons. Umbrella. The West Coast's best source of quality organ buckets. Umbrella. It's not like you suddenly care about the planet. Umbrella. Hey come on, that evil stuff was just a joke. Buy some vitamins.

re: Cubes As you know, a shipment of quartz cubes was delivered to BK15 last week. We are investigating. Excess cubes have been moved to storage room L3, behind the new cube lock. If you require cubes for the cube lock, spare cubes are in the Cube. There will be no further emails about the cubes.

I asked why all our computers look like they came from 1996 and [REDACTED] said it's "because of the viruses" and I was like "like cyber security?" and [THEY] stabbed me with a loaded syringe. So I still don't know why.

I asked why all our computers look like they came from 1996 and [REDACTED] said it's "because of the viruses" and I was like "like cyber security?" and [THEY] stabbed me with a loaded syringe. So I still don't know why.

Hi, I just wanted to say that my supervisor, Dr Killready, has been getting taller again. People say he was always that tall but he has to duck under the chandeliers now. The leadership team is allowed to make themselves taller but rank and file can't? Please address.

Dulevasil. The only appetite suppressant powered by human blood.

Hi, I just wanted to say that my supervisor, Dr Killready, has been getting taller again. People say he was always that tall but he has to duck under the chandeliers now. The leadership team is allowed to make themselves taller but rank and file can't? Please address.

Birkin, we recognise your great strides as a scientist at Umbrella, and are therefore transferring you to our high-end underground virus research laboratory. Wesker, I don't really like you very much. You're being transferred to the "Information Department", which is what we call the mail room.

At our new Umbrella Training Facility you'll learn everything needed to move into a management role, including: - operating the big clock that unlocks the meeting rooms - fighting cockroaches - collecting tiny statues of good and evil - scrubbing the torture pool - spreadsheets

At our new Umbrella Training Facility you'll learn everything needed to move into a management role, including: - operating the big clock that unlocks the meeting rooms - fighting cockroaches - collecting tiny statues of good and evil - scrubbing the torture pool - spreadsheets

To all staff: please do not make bread in the viral incubators.

i don't care what management says, if the meat gets bigger i'm leaving

If your colleague is coughing up blood, be considerate, kind and professional. Don't assume it's their blood.

January 17th: I am trapped in a storage room on the 3rd floor of Building 2. A zombie has slowly been eating me from the feet up for several days. The good news is I appear to be immune to the T-virus. The bad news is the part I mentioned earlier about a zombie slowly eating me from the feet up.

they asked me if the room was a "wet" kind of problem or an "on fire" kind of problem and i was like "it's both" and they said i have to email my manager first

every time i call a meeting with Albert Wesker he changes the meeting length to 7 minutes and sends me an email with a 23MB JPEG of his face and no text

Happy Valentines Day from the Umbrella Corporation! Employees are reminded that sexual intercourse with colleagues is not recommended. A small percentage of staff at this facility are part of our latest endophallus deflagration trial, likely without their knowledge.

In response to complaints, Umbrella facilities will now have awards for Employee of the Month and Employee of the Month (Posthumous).

Umbrella strongly refutes recent media reports that our bioweapons are "soulless creatures". Roman philosopher Cicero is often seen as the origin of the phrase "eyes are the mirror of the soul". UC64BX series experiments average 13 eyes and peak at 47 eyeballs or light-sensitive skin growths.

okay it turns out if you take the skin off a guy too fast he dies, so i guess i owe Jefferson $5

hi yeah just reporting in from the island... how many tentacles should be coming out of the heads of the villagers? if you say zero i'm going to be so annoyed

Today we say goodbye to Eric Manders, who joined us in the sales department last week. Eric unfortunately failed to find the 32 houses and 12 hotels required for opening the Monopoly door at the end of the B3 corridor.

it's always "hey look, that city Umbrella nuked is on the news again" and never "wow i love this ad for Umbrella's new chewable vitamins for kids six and over, it barely makes me think about nuclear wastelands"

Your recent post "Leon Kennedy? more like Leon Bendin' Me over the table in Lab 16 am I right??" has been removed for violating the following Umbrella Social Guidelines: mentions of individual law enforcement misuse of company property

So hungry you could eat a horse? Try the new Edible Mini-Horse from Umbrella Toronto. We've made horses smaller and juicier than ever before.

The hospital needs more chainsaws. Please contact our chainsaw warehouse immediately.

ok but the last time we had a CEO crash out several cities got hit with nuclear bombs

To test your operational readiness, management have released a Tyrant class BOW into this facility. This is ONLY A TEST, and therefore does not trigger the death and dismemberment clause in your medical coverage.