uzworm

Pierre Sage is a CIA psyop meant to try and make me miss Roy Hodgson #cpfc

That political test everyone is sharing leaves much to be desired, but I am pretty happy after taking it having been paired with Liebknecht, Einstein, and Engels, while the three furthest figures from me were fucking Charlemagne, Franz Ferdinand, and Edmund Burke lmao

I love playing hockey sim games cause what do you mean Ovechkin, Kane, and Malkin are playing together on the Jets' second line in 2028

Trapped in the Safeway entrance because during the 5 minutes I was in there, a torrential downpour started lmao

This is also how I'd style my hair if I was told I was gonna be the cover athlete for a pro bowling game

Felicidades to our World Cup Winner, Yeremy Pino!! #cpfc

EAT SHIT ARGENTINA

Rockies tonight are starting a guy whose change-up is only 4 MPH slower than his fastball 😐

Asked my aunt for sunscreen and she handed me what looked like a giant tube of chapstick; a stick of sunscreen is a method I'd never seen before and I gotta say, it's both far less effective AND much harder to put on than any other method!

If Tuchel is afraid of the backlash he's going to get back in England, I know a country that loves to take in exiled Germans with US assistance

On the bright side several of my family who are out here are from states where weed isn't legal so they decided to try out Colorado's dankest edibles. They bought several bags and gave me all the leftovers Might fuck around, take 8 at a time and see what happens

Sitting in a restaurant with extended family and my brother says "the White bloodline is fleeting", in reference to him and I not having kids, quite loudly He did not immediately understand why I shot him a look

People have often told me that I'm an overly loud person (I am), but much of my extended family are in town and I'm reminded that I might as well be a chronic mumbler compared to some of my aunts and cousins

How are you offside as the slowest man on Earth

My aunt just asked me what match I was watching the highlights from. I then looked at the TV, saw "ALG-AUT," and what confidently came out of my mouth was "Algeria vs. Autism" 😐

Canada should be ashamed of themselves for taking that long to score against a team that collectively had the first touch and passing ability of a rhinoceros wearing Uggs

Watching YouTube on my parents' Roku is an interesting experience because there's no Ad Block so I get to see the sorts of ads my mother is getting, which mostly appear to be about "the mistakes women over 50 make with their bras"

Technically, they’re Remains now.

If the Grizzlies wanted to add Coward and Boozer to their lineup, they could have just drafted me. Would've been cheaper!

Bruno and Ronaldo are in stiff competition for the Fallon d'Floor award

It's gonna get called back but #BangersOnly #uzwormbekistan

Lol Qatar

Every four years I'm reminded that I'm incapable of seeing the word "Uruguay" without saying "U R MR GAY" out loud

The world cup is great cause you get to see incredible feats of athleticism and then occasionally an Egyptian player taking the worst shot in the history of the sport

Goaltending was awful for the first few games of the SCF but one team wasn't able to change their G because they'd dug themselves too deep in a hole spending months trying to justify his ass being there even as he stunk up the joint, and the team that DID change immediately won? lol and/or lmao

THEY WILL BE REUNITED

If you're wondering how my year is going, the bar I'm at just gave my debit card to the wrong guy cause he used the same bank lmao

Not to besmirch people caught by scam texts, but if anyone with a 303 area code is telling you they have amazing fresh fish and you fall for it, that's on you