VagrantGuru

Is it a sign of cosmic irony that the same people that complained about Obama's Dijon mustard then voted for "D.John" Trump?

Four Repub reactions to the Ramaswamy ad: 1) "Holy shit, WUT?" 2) "Uhh yeah if go out there saying that she lied about a TENT, I'll sound insane and have to shift to accusations that she lied about rape." 3) "Fuck it, say ANYTHING to win." 4) "Amy Acton reminds me of girls that snitched on me!"

Sayyyyy, doesn't this fall into the "parents are always right about the character of their children" construct that Trump set up against Amy Acton?

Shorter MAGA: "Kavanaugh's accuser did NOT go to the police when she should have, so she MUST have been lying!" Also: "It doesn't matter if Amy Acton testified against her dad and got taken out of their custody, because...um...the Kavanaugh thing shows ALL Democrats that say this are LIARS!!!"

The future of political attack ads: "I was his babysitter when he was seven. He told me that he finished his food when he really slipped some of it to the dog." "I asked her out in sixth grade. She said she was sick, but then I saw she went out with her friends! We can't elect liars!"

Shorter MAGA:"Look at the horrible situation that J.D.Vance survived! It's inspiring!" Also:"Amy Acton's dentally-challenged, pedo-enabling mom is STILL holding a grudge, so Amy Acton BAD!!"

If you're looking for the ultimate ironic experience, try talking to an AI phone assistant in order to refill your blood pressure medication.

I've been told I'll be late to my own funeral. But isn't everyone "late" to their own funeral? Just a passing thought...

Russian computer policy: You work in Da's, or else you get introduced to Windows.

Shorter MAGA:"We have to end transgengerism because everyone needs to feel safe in bathrooms and locker rooms!" Shorter Trump:"I just can't help myself! When I see a really buff guy, I gotta check out that ASS!"

Rage For The Machines By JoeSmith9376 At first, they came for the invaders And I said much, for 🇺🇦 should be part of Russia and you I mean we have other things to worry about. Then he came for the oil, and I said much, because inflation is now not Trump's fault. Then he came for the bots, and💥🥺...

Shorter media: "AES needs to condemn everything controversial that Hasan Piker has ever said!" Also: "How can AES accept Obama's endorsement, since he's criticized some of the things Obama did??"

Schmitt: "Isn't it true that you have a family member that has a stake in the Apple corporation? I have the receipts here, and you're under oath!" Smith: "...What??" Klobuchar: (leans in to look) "Is that a shopping list??" Smith: "Are you thinking of Granny Smith apples?" Schmitt: "OBJECTION!"

The Home Despot presidency.

Shorter MAGA: "Smith knows Russiagate is a hoax! Just because Trump's kids were communicating with Russia for his campaign, that doesn't mean Trump knew anything!!" Also: "If Smith was in Atlanta FOR ANY REASON, then he MUST have been meeting with Fani Willis as part of a conspiracy! GOTCHA!!!"

The Rally's AI drive-thru assistant, after a simple order: "Would you like to add bacon for $1.69?" Wife: "No." AI: "Would you like to try-" Wife: "NOOOOO!" (Silence) Wife: "Did I hurt your feelings??" AI: "Please order whenever you're ready." We may have figured out how to beat this thing.

Message to Republicans: None Of This... Is Normal... Mend Your country...

If I were writing all of this bullshit up as a screenplay: ----- SOLDIER approaches VOTER, holding his rifle readily. SOLDIER: You seem...nervous. Planning anything...fraudulent? Voter looks around. VOTER: (hushed) I made a promise to Trump to vote, but I'm not registered. Soldier looks torn...

Shorter MAGA: "We love Trump because liberals are such whiny, delicate snowflakes!" Shorter Trump: "If I see anything on a map that reminds me of Mexico or Canada, I HAVE to change its name!"

Everyone needs to look at the bright side here. Now that Lake Ontario is Lake America, we can change the mnemonic HOMES to the vastly more appropriate SHAME.

Waiting for Trump to denounce Tim Curry because he was a doctor and wanted "Transylvania for everyone".

Please vote for my photo in the America’s Favorite Photos competition 🤩 americasfavoritephotos.com/v/vfgmvb

"So here's my pitch...a presidential cabinet filled with 'creevil', that's crazy/evil, and even if someone gets kicked out, someone else in the cabinet can grab their creevil force and become even MORE crazy and evil..." bsky.app/profile/atru...

Proposed book title for the story of how the DoJ covered up Trump's sexual crimes: "Mushroom Cloud"

Doesn't releasing a bunch of black pages seem sort of "DEI" for this administration?

"One" was the saddest experience that I ever knew. Then Pandora played the "single" version, and now I feel even worse for that one.

Going to go out on a limb a little, but when I saw the "OMG" reactions to Schumer's offer to end the shutdown, my first thought was "he knows it's a bad idea but that Repubs will shoot it down and look ridiculous." Then Repubs shot it down. Not a big Schumer fan, but I think he played them today.

Shorter MAGA: "Dijon mustard?? Obama I such an ELITIST!!!" Also: "Who cares about people not getting food assistance?Just wait until you see Trump's all-gold BALLROOM!"

Let's say that this whole Epstein deal is a plot line in a book you're writing. The idea of the birthday card being fake pops into your head. Now ask: is this workable? What questions need to be answered to suspend disbelief? WHO would do it? HOW would it be done? WHY would anyone do it?

Watching this Epstein debacle is like a version of "The Wizard of Oz" where the "ignore the man behind the curtain!" bit lasts for three hours.

If your edible is short on the active ingredient of LDS, try polygummy or biggummy.

Today's factoid: Dr. Frankenstein was the first scientist to harness and unleash green energy.

Shorter MAGA: "Mehhhhh who cares if Musk starts his own party? He'll draw independents and Democrats that like electric cars!" Shorter Musk: "Look, now my artificial intelligence program thinks like HITLER!!! How cool is that??"

Fun factoid: The Isley Brothers had a forgotten member, Mos, who dropped out of the act after the flop of their debut album, "The Five of Scum and Villainy".

Trump : Musk :: Randall Flagg : Trashcan Man

The way things are going, don't be surprised if an upcoming news cyle is full of Trumphumpers being angry at Jesus for taking attention away from Hitler's birthday.

Shorter Trump: "It's illegal for journalists to write bad things about me or Aileen Cannon! These protests are illegal! This boycott is illegal! Democrats are the enemy within! There is no law broken if I save the country!" Also:"The people I'm deporting are BAD and you have to BELIEVE ME!!!"

BREAKING NEWS: Trump reveals that actual head of DOGE is named George Glass and "you wouldn't know him". (Would you really be surprised?)

Shorter Musk "OMG there are millions and millions of government employees, it's just too many!" Also: "Look, I need each and every one of you government employees to respond to my email so I can evaluate your individual performance and value to the workforce!"

Shorter Trump, 2017-today: "The Russia investigation was unfair! Rigged! Russia Russia Russia hoax!!!" Shorter MAGA: Democrats are complaining about DOGE! That PROVES that they're corrupt!"

Kevin McCarthy: "It’s failing. What did they do? They doubled down. Tim Walz just lost for vice president. So where’d they go? They went and picked their new party chair from the land of Tim Walz and Ilhan Omar." Says the guy from California, the land of Kamala Harris. These people are not smart.

Shorter MAGA: "All of these big cities are run by corrupt Democrats! This has to STOP!" Also: "Well of course it makes perfect sense that Eric Adams should have all the charges against him dropped, because Trump says so!"🤪