Volt Multiplier

This is like when Homer Simpson made that custom video for Lisa despite knowing nothing about her. “My favorite book is… magazines!”

My favorite way to unsubscribe from political texts

Hell yeah, now I can live my dream of being a 1980s street tough who menaces people on the subway by flicking a knife out

Riding a bicycle? What are you, gay?

Just wait til they see my startup

This is a drag because I would have liked to revisit this universe again. You could have made a game that took the mechanics of Stardew Valley and set it on the ME Citadel and I would have played it for 100 hours. I wanna make alien friends help them with their problems, and date them

I didn’t even realize Earth Crisis was a political band! I only listen to them for the music

They left out the mention of AI-generated child sex abuse material. X: The Everything App

“You Can See Everything” was pretty good, but the 3D was clearly added in post and it was not worth paying the IMAX premium

Could the press ask questions while in swimsuits? Perhaps the reporter with the beach ball has the floor

With the NBA season tipping off, the country can’t stop singing “buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-basket ball, gimmie gimmie gimmie the ball because I’m gonna DUNK IT”

Whether Kim Jong-Un is actually dead or not, we can all agree with that head, he would be a good Dick Tracy villain

But what are his thoughts on Kim Jong Un’s ass?

“Will you disavow the Dark Brotherhood?”

Movie theaters could solve this with novelty pee buckets. We could be urinating into the mouth of a plastic sandworm from Dune and not miss a minute of movie magic

I now understand “mando” is an antiquated, racist term for the proud Mandalorian people. I apologize for using it in the past and for the harm I have caused. I pledge to be better and do better.

Tesla should invent a giant car that looks like a dinosaur made of sheet metal. It should pick up and eat other cars and then shoot flames from its nose

The flying car was the *second* most interesting thing at the Tesla press conference youtu.be/TsNc4nEX3c4

I joked about betting on this because it seemed outrageous but good lord we have utterly lost the mandate of heaven in this country and each day I expect to see brimstone and fire falling from the sky

They should just stop paying individual players and give players in the game names like these

*go back in time* 14-year old me: what is the future like Old man me: Well, the president shares faces of death content with the whole country because he thinks it’s cool

Ukraine should bomb all the data centers. And I mean ALL THE DATA CENTERS

This bag of chips says “great for parties!” Hmm… hadn’t considered it, but… guess it could work

Trying to justify spending $459 on an entire Iberico jamon that I can slowly consume over the course of the next three months

I’m just thinking one thing: how can I make money on this by betting on it with Kalshi

Confession: all of my posts are generated by a lightweight, open-source AI model that runs on a Casio calculator watch from 1988

Always wanted to check in to a seedy roadside motel, one that doesn’t attract much attention. Pay desk clerk in cash plus a bit extra so she doesn’t ask questions. Conduct a thorough room search. Wedge a chair under the doorknob. Stay up all night looking out window through a crack in the curtain

Remember when Dan Quayle spelled potato “potatoe” and it universally galvanized the entire country into calling him a total moron forever

If I won the lottery I would buy the Weekly World News and bring it back as a monthly subscription, like The Onion but for news about Bat Boy and columns by Ed Anger

New Marjorie Taylor Greene booster packs

Seinfeld and Mad About You were part of the shared NBC Thursday Night Cinematic Universe

I hold all of my press conferences next to the ear-shattering sound of an active helicopter, a noise so loud you need to wear headphones while inside of it, and requiring every question to be shouted at volumes that threaten to shred human vocal cords

I agree. Every aircraft should look like this:

Pffft I could have told him that the line, “Hey check out this dead body” never helps you pick up chicks. Trust me I’ve tried it dozens of times

Sure, we may out out of missiles, but our JACKED, FRESHLY SHAVEN WARRIORS wake up with ROCK HARD ERECTIONS ready for MAXIMUM LETHALITY

I wrote letters to several Russian Oligarchs asking them to fund my exotic destination wedding but all of them refused. That’s when my grudge against Russia started

Tom Cruise is Digger

Every white guy on the Sox roster looks like they would sell you weed in a high school parking lot

Bet the Pope is also watching the Sox smoke the Astros right now. Just one of the many things we have in common

Hot tip: If you want to keep a low profile to avoid allegations that you’re engaged in fraudulent activities, DO NOT drive around town in a solid gold cybertruck

Hapless?! Not every principal could have handled the deranged antics of Zach Morris with such grace while ensuring Zach got such a good education (1502 on the SAT) leading to his election as governor of California. Belding was a saint of an administrator and you do him a grave disservice

Not to brag, but guess who did QUITE well for themselves betting on the MTV Music Awards using Polymarket The World’s Largest Prediction Market (TM)

If I were in high school, I would date Carrie. I’d take her to the dance. I could fix her

Football Night in (South) America

At this point, though, if someone contends they’ve never even heard of “I Cum Blood” or Cannibal Corpse, it may say more about the listener than the song. Or, for that matter, what they want to project to the world.