Walter T Panda - Official

My medicare is on the fritz, so the diabetes took most of my foot. I can still drive to work, though. I can stump a clutch no problem.

I'm packing for a trip, and I've once again convinced myself that I put a weapon in my bag somewhere.

Eating lunch at my desk while I work again. I'm dining Al Stresso.

Halloween costume idea: wear a pretty red shirt under a tan sweater. If someone asks about your costume, lift the sweater, say you're a lantern fly and skitter away.

Early Access games will come out and the developers start frantically replacing the code line by line. Theseus as a Service in here.

I thought my phone was telling me I used a TB of data, but it was just a MyChart diagnosis.

Here's a handy tip. Crows are fry scream, ravens are false chord.

Hey, Grok, what's the cheapest way to join the Discords of all my favorite Japanese YouTube silent travel vloggers and get them on the same train?

McDonalds should do a Halloween themed eloté called the McCob.

If you wake up in a dream, you wake up in real life.

The American Kennel Consortium has announced its newest recognized breed, the American Gun Dog (Canine Millimeter), which us sure to pop some 'howl' points in the competition this holiday season!

The state of record collecting in the US. Thanks a lot, you orange turd.

I've already imagined your AI startup logo as a goatse.

They paved the Pickle Ball court and put up a parking lot. La lala.

Instead of 2 factor authentication, my job has it so if you log out you die. So secure.

Officer, I swear I was just cleaning my guillotine and it went off.

in a haunted house and the only flash light I have is the led on my disposable vape

Hot take: if you drive a #Tesla, you can't say shit about #Flock cameras. You 👏 drive 👏 one 👏.

How do I decorate my house if I'm really into pineapples but not into wife swapping?

Breaking News I Made up: The video game industry has successfully become an ouroboros! Microsoft and Bethesda have confirmed that Elder Scrolls 6 will initially release as a Remaster.

What's a guy gotta do to get Isekai'd to ancient times these days? Please respond.

I just bought some lactose pills, so just like Pennywise, I'm fucking with dairy again.

Sometimes I think about how if you've ever used Facebook on the toilet or been naked near a Tesla, a billionaire has pictures of your genitals and that's just beautiful.

Donald Trump is the JD Vance of pedo sex traffickers.

I heard a little tip from my friend who works at KFC. If you're sick of using your mouth to pump out the fryer grease, wrap your hands in cheesecloth and fish around in there. Just be sure to cool it down with some ice cubes first!

Humans are just a support system for a tube that turns things into shit.

If the Insane Clown Posse and the band Mayhem had concerts across the street from each other, it would be like the pandas and the zebras seeing each other at the zoo. Respectively.

You can find wedding bands on Etsy made of pretty much anything. I found one the other day made of my dog's ashes. Whish-listed it.

It's too bad the SCART cable never really took off. It's such a fun word to say!

In mother Russia, cock wants you!

I told my AI girlfriend the only way I can get off is if she hacks a Chinese server. The nut is in her court now.

New series idea: Gordon Ramsay's Straight to Hell. Gordon has one week to live. Can he successfully relaunch a restaurant before he passes on? Find out this summer on Foxamount+.

I have the Benjamin Button disease, but I started at like 45.

Hangovers are like migraines plus stolen valor.

I put all my beef up as collateral on a bet and now I have steaks at stake.

I just spoke with Mitch McConnell for 20 minutes. It sounded like someone reinstalling Windows on Darth Vader, but he's in good spirits! Well, a spirit...

It's ironic that the most depressing app on my phone is called BlueSky. Maybe I'll download one that reminds me I'm lonely by showing me my happy neighbors called GreenerGrass.

Flirtation and filtration are basically the same words and I think that's beautiful.

Happy birthday, america! I'll be celebrating by sneaking up behind all the veterans in my neighborhood and screaming 'thank you for your service' in different foreign accents. If you're in a rush, a few well-timed fireworks can 'honor' them all at once. Follow me for more time saving tips!

I get these kinds of replies on MyChart, too. Is that bad?

We should be allowed to call corporations slurs.

My favorite brand on Amazon is probably [indiscernible capital letters]. They seem to make everything I want!

I get a little excited when my medications change shape. It's like collecting pokemon. I got a shiny Lisinopril!

I'm not 'constantly interrupting you with goofs', it's called active listening.

Would it be Sorth or Nouth?

I was watching an episode of Hotel Hell and they cut to a stream, but the YouTube compression made it unwatchable. Maybe it was actually a RARing stream...

Televangelists: "I ain't Christian, but 20 bucks is 20 bucks."

If ghosts were real, every boss I've ever had would have given me a goose on Christmas morning.

I'm not 'constantly interrupting you with goofs', it's called active listening.

Meeting the alien from Contact: Voice of my dad, "hey, could you like describe me?" #Aphantasia