Toast

@pandangit.com happy New Year!

Looking at the goth girl's giant shoes and politely asking what kind of diabetes she has

California Sober? No I'm New York sober. I smoke weed and drink alcohol, but I don't smoke cigarettes

Labelmaker implies Labelmak and Labelmakest

They should make cigarettes for dogs

*John Lennon pulling the chopsticks from under his top lip* "Haha, guys, I'm not actually the walrus"

The Vengaboys song Boom Boom Boom Boom (I want you in my room) is about Margaret Thatcher

"Beck" is short for "Uzbekistan"

Tshirt that says DONT FUCK ARTISTS and on the back it says FUCK ARTISTS

Lil Jon at 76: "WHAT?"

"Who smelt it dealt it" A history of coin minting

He's only one line away from being Brendan Eraser

Designers in antiquity: "gotta work the golden ratio into here somehow" Designers in 21st century: "gotta sneak in as many 420s and 69s as I can"

For a song called "the Safety Dance" the lyrics are pretty abelist

Finally feel brave enough to say it: They should make a Tales From The Crypt reboot but with shrimp called, And get this, Tales From The Shrympt

WE DON'T NEGOTIATE WITH PTEROSAURS

Making friends with worse people so I can vicariously experience personal growth without having to change myself

Saturday: 05:01-17:00 Saturnight:17:01-05:00

If I was a priest, I'd bless Moly for free

"Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss" -toll operator under Her Majesty Queen Victoria

They are called "Amtrak Trains" because the trains am on a trak

Going to Tractor Supply Co to scratch the itch created by those ZooBooks ads in 1996

Dolphin themed gay bar called The Blow Hole

Cosmic brownies are great because maybe I did want the satisfying combination of Shitty Fudge and Aquarium Gravel

If a company says "we're a family" they're legally obligated to provide endless breadsticks

"Minigolf" is short for "golf"

"I don't see race" -blind person at the Olympics

Leif Ericsson's little brother, Sony

Who called it "dynasties" instead of "family feudalism"

I just couldn't see myself wearing camo

The wrong people take the right lesson from the minecraft movie, and begin to shovel cash into videogame movies. This results in Werner Herzog playing a role in Valve's upcoming movie 'Portal'

Bugs are like jazz It's really about the ones you don't see

Post office pro brought a folding stool to sit on while in line

They call it oregon because they ore hot out the gone in cold the ore

"It's like music to my ears" Yeah, that's where music goes

"You ever wonder if blind people yawn less because they can't see other people doing it? Anyway, I'm Michael. Welcome to Outback Steakhouse, can i start you off with some drinks?"

Due to a decline in musical literacy and increasing suburban sprawl, the Devil now challenges people to mumble rap battles in a Walgreens parking lot

This town is big enough for only, and exclusively thtwo of us

"What if we made dogfighting accessible to children?" Game Freak/NIntendo, 1996

Chinese cowboy: "Yee hao"

No. It's about the notes you DO play. That's how music works.

If EVERYBODY was kung-fu fighting, and if their kicks were fast as lightning, the earth would have been destroyed in a matter of seconds

If cars were longer, you'd get there slightly sooner. This is why fire trucks are so fast.

All the food terms for money (bread, cheddar, lettuce, bacon) add up to a decent sandwich actually

So, an 11 foot pole, then? Let's break this down.

FDR approaches the podium and projects his voice: "An octopus that knew sign language could have four simultaneous conversations with a spider" "Holy shit," says the Pope, who is also there.

Listening to shitty techno and developing a new gadget. The CPU is crashing to the beat

Medusa, trying not to get shampoo in any of the snakes' eyes either,