Jordan

Can they tell that im faking my scowl

now is the time to pick at my toes

I love being new to the #bskycommunity. I feel like a good chunk of the big posters here are like 37 year old men and theyre mutuals with everyone and theyre not funny and everyone likes their ugly selfies out of a sense of clout obligation. Just an outsider’s perspective

My five year plan is to succumb to my injuries

I need sadism and nothing but sadism. Anything short of real sadism does nothing for me. And i can tell when youre faking it

My new restaurant concept is like if Chipotle made quesadillas. I think there is enough demand for five of them in my small town

The dryer sounds like its being poisoned to death. Lint fire coming soon hopefully

Youre not allowed to misgender heterosexual theymabs. They will set their dogs on you #learnbydoing #MyMan’sEx

Jerking on and off. Jerking back and forth. Jerking to and fro. Jerking fort and da.

Sexting at the grocery store but my thumbs are broken so I have to say everything out loud to my phone

walking so gay + fast that I red mist some grandparents on the way to the craft store

I was eating a beautiful burrito the other day and a dear friend looked me dead in the eye and said “you know the macros on those are horrible”

In this world there are men and there are women. And maybe there are others

Sometimes doing your laundry is the most you can hope to do in a day

I keep getting these ai generated ads telling me that amish people disapprove of my decadent, PFAS-reliant lifestyle. They think i should cook with twigs and sticks instead

The aftermath of a poop storm is often a poop fire. It sounds bad but the grass never gets greener than after a poop fire

Writing your dad a birthday card feels like having to write an argumentative essay on a hot button issue in high school english class but you get assigned the side you dont agree with

That looks nothing like my man’s husband. Thats not even his name. You dont know the first thing about my man’s husband

Wipe the coffee you spill on your hands with the cups of your bra. A napkin is a thing of fantasy. Reach right in

My eye is twitching. Not a glamorous morning

The toilet is CLOGGED because of what ive put in there

Don’t be sorry. She’s a storyteller.

Google calendar is for serious business. Outlook calendar is for exhibitionist shit posting. My zoomer friends tell me this

The kitchen garbage disposal has smelled terrible ever since unconventional toilet night

My dog is well trained to bite the apple watch off of any hairy armed man he comes across

My job is making up ticketmaster surge prices. I consider myself a storyteller

Thank you for approving my grant. My personal book collection will now flourish

praying to the coffee gods for a bountiful bean

Lets meet for brunch. Its a charming little spot called “chudly boofly”. Lets aim for 2:30 pm

One time i got brecht confused with lukacs and thought they were one person named brekacs, pronounced “break ass” or “breakfast”

Some of you guys listen to music that is spiritually covid

This friday is nephew day and ***** is leading the parade

When youre wiping its important to stay more or less in the ass area

I miss when vapes were shaped like juuls and not like a part of a whole

(Waking up with a mild hangover) there is an ugly and pervasive moral rot in the very bones of society. I think it started with the pilgrims

When dominick cruz kept a BURGUER in his POCKET

she might have old parents bc she speaks very loudly and clearly as if she is used to yelling into her old parents ears