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Contributed Tweets for Phillip T Stephens are provided by Cut Rate PIs. Investigations at a bargain basement price. Results not guaranteed

Morticia stood on her porch and surveyed the neighborhood. Dozens of young trick or treaters wearing MAGA hats egging her neighbors’ houses. She would have called immigration to arrest and deport them but in Monsterville, everyone was welcome. Even pre-teen assholes. #TwtStory

Jane answered the door for a mother and four toddlers dressed as zombies. “How precious,” she said. “I have just the thing. Brain candies.” But the kids weren’t happy and ate Jane’s brains instead. Their mother posted a picture and tweeted, “Kids grow up so quickly.” #TwtStory

The old crone brushed off her apron and answered the door. More human kids. She handed out jellied tarantulas and pinkie-finger brittle. When they looked in their bags the kids screamed, dropped them and ran away. The crone leaned over and picked them up. “More for me.” #TwtStory

Elvira opened the door only to find a pirate, a princess, and a pony on her porch, holding out buckets and demanding candy. Once they were gone she shouted, “Honey, the human children are in our neighborhood again.” Vlad logged onto the internet to list their house. #TwtStory

Four trick or treaters stood on the porch holding out jack-o-lantern buckets. They were dressed as toddlers in pre-school clothes. Isabel Pires dropped apples into their buckets. She told her partner Bruna. “That was creepy. Trick or treaters dressed as our dinner.” #TwtStory

#TwtStory Upcoming: Five tweet stories on the subject: …Halloween…

#TwtStory Upcoming: Five tweet stories on the subject: More Halloween…

Advantage to writing a #TwtStory No. 22: Build an audience for your fiction. Join me with 270 character stories using the x/bsky neutral tag #TwtStory #AmWriting #writers #write #MicroFiction #fictionwriter #writerswednesday

#DonaldTrump #Immigration #StatueOfLiberty #Compassion

And soon it will be only you can clean roads, and only you can educate yourself. #DonaldTrump #MAGA #5ationalForests #ForestService

Contributed Tweets for Phillip T Stephens are provided by Past Life Discount Warehouse. This month's special: 50% off forgotten politicians complete with outdated platforms and antiquated speech.

When the entire eighth grade trick or treated Principal Pratt she told them to go back to class. The next day, after the fire department extinguished the fires, the fire chief explained, “Maybe you should look up the ‘trick’ part before you turn trick or treaters away.” #TwtStory

When their kids didn’t return from the Halloween hay ride, the parents drove to the hay field. But it was abandoned, save for the circular scorch mark. “We should have known,” Tim Rogers’ mother told reporters. “The crop circles and mother ship might have warned us.” #TwtStory

The Jones had just moved to Salt Lake City and were prepared for Mormon themed costumes. Sure enough they saw Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, Harriet Page Young and L. Ron Hubbard? When asked the kid said, “My dad moved here to convert all the suckers ripe for plucking.” #TwtStory

Bob and Jan took photos of their kids in their Halloween costumes. Jan as Kpop demon hunter Rumi. Billy as a Lego Han Solo. Tim as the shark from jaws. The Zombie. “Wait,” Bob said. “We only have three kids. Who’s in the zombie costume?” Turns out it wasn’t a costume. #TwtStory

John knew Janice would be angry but he sneaked a piece of Halloween candy any way. A sharp pain ran through his mouth. He fell to the floor, bleeding to death. “What kind of monster would put a razor in children’s candy?” His wife said, “No, dear. That was your candy.” #TwtStory

#TwtStory Upcoming: Five tweet stories on the subject: Halloween…

Advantage to writing a #TwtStory No. 5: Focus your writing skills by communicating only what's essentail. Join me with 270 character stories using the x/bsky neutral tag #TwtStory #AmWriting #writers #write #MicroFiction #fictionwriter #writerswednesday

#NativeAmericanPride #Immigration #DonaldTrump

#DonaldTrump #politics #immigration #children

When Miss Maypole, housewife detective, wasn’t detecting, she baked cakes, drove neighbors to the doctor, house sat, tended their plants. But they all started dying. For the first time she couldn’t find the killer. Until the police informed her she was killing them with kindness.

Felix the cat mourned the passing of his human, the housewife detective Miss Maypole. He missed her petting and feeding him. But he didn’t miss her interfering their neighbors lives. It bothered the pets. Yes, he’d miss her but didn’t regret knocking the arsenic into her teapot.

Miss Maypole was thrilled to be invited to the bored wives bookclub. But they only discussed books about killing husbands. She began to feel woozy, then nauseous. The hostess said, “The poison’s in your tea. We had to get you out of the way before we moved on to our husbands.”

Contributed Tweets for Phillip T Stephens are provided by Past Life Discount Warehouse. This month's special: 50% off neanderthal past lives. Flea control extra.

When someone was murdered, Detective Bob called Miss Maypole. While he waited for her, he snacked on the victim’s fruit cake. The housewife detective studied the crime scene, spotted the cake. “Did you eat any?” “Yes. Is it poison?” “No, but the preservatives will kill you.”

Miss Maypole stood at the living room window, peeking through the curtains as she had every morning this week. “There he is again. That man who keeps putting things in people’s mailboxes. Will you finally call the cops?” Her husband Bob sighed. He did call. The nursing home.

TRUMP WORLD HISTORY: After the Civil War, America kicked the world’s ass for a hundred years, even HItler, who’d’ve won if he was American. Then a liberal court forced schools to educate immigrant slave babies, which led to our loss in Nam, setting America into a decline I fixed.

TRUMP WORLD HISTORY: So, Lincoln gets a lot of credit even though he caused the Civil War. It was a beautiful, perfect war except it was rigged by the liberals so the wrong side won, turning good slaves into African immigrants who’d still have work otherwise. Now we have MAGA.

TRUMP WORLD HISTORY: George Washington begat a bunch of posers who begat more posers who begat Andy Jackson who deported the illegal immigrant Indians and he begat Lincoln who caused the Klan who begat the Proud Boys. A bunch more begats led to the greatest President in history.

Contributed Tweets for Phillip T Stephens are provided by first-term Trump staff members rewriting history to get back into his good graces.

TRUMP WORLD HISTORY: God sent his son Jesus to save the world when Israel still had balls. The libtards and haters strung him up like Pence should’ve been. That son was resurrected but left to visit family. His second son was also resurrected, and I’ll make the world great again.

TRUMP WORLD HISTORY: In the beginning God created America and the other stuff. And it was perfect. But he put two liberals in charge of it all. Show’s how much God knows. They screwed up and let the immigrants and Jews ruin everything. Wouldn’t have happened if I was in charge.

#MAGA #DonaldTrump #Jesus #ChristianRight #Hypocrisy

Sermon on the Mount v. Insult from the White House #MAGA #DonaldTrump #Jesus #ChristianRight #Hypocrisy

How to keep our children Christian. It's easier than you think. #MAGA #Religion #Christianity #Schools #FirstAmendment

Contributed Tweets for Phillip T Stephens are supplied by people who posted on Reddit about the Deep State and Dark Web about the divinity of Trump and his cruel treatment by the courts. They are now employed by the White House to make their posts official.

…Green, Gray, and Mindless Hulk approached the Vegas suburbs, their rage registering 9.6 on the Richter scale. Out of nowhere, She Hulk appeared. “Have you boys had enough?” “Hulk love.” “Hulk love more.” “Hulk love most.” She wagged a finger. “As if.” Hulks sulked. #TwtStory

…Mindless Hulk, Green Hulk, and Gray Hulk leveled Lost Angeles and turned south through Anaheim, and Long Beach, straight through San Diego then west toward Las Vegas. Only Guilt Hulk stood at the border. “Don’t you feel remorse?” They flattened him and kept on going… #TwtStory

…Green and Gray Hulk calmed down after leveling Marvel Comics, DC Comics, and Pixar Studios. “Hulk tired.” “Hulk tired.” “Hulk let live.” “Hulk let live.” And so they declared a truce and turned to leave. Only Mindless Hulk arrived, and nothing could calm him down… #TwtStory

…It started as a rumble in an auto park and escalated to all out war. Two Hulks. One green. One gray. Their rage intensified with each blow. Like two giant Tasmanian devils in heat. They approached Marvel Studios. Stan Lee told his writers, “Rewrite! Pronto!…” #TwtStory

Hulk leaped from roof to roof venting his permanent rage. The sun glistened off his green skin. He landed in an auto shop parking lot. So did Gray Hulk. Hulk puffed his chest. “Hulk smash.” Gray Hulk puffed his chest. “Hulk smash.” Good thing auto shops have insurance… #TwtStory

#TwtStory Upcoming: Five tweet stories on the subject: Hulk vs Hulk

Advantage to writing a #TwtStory No. 10: Generates ideas for longer, publishable stories. Join me with 270 character stories using the x/bsky neutral tag #TwtStory #AmWriting #writers #write #MicroFiction #fictionwriter #writerswednesday

Doublemint Gumshoe

What were you saying about critical race theory? #DonaldTrump #MAGA #ChristianNationalism #CivilRights #Justice

“Lady Madeline leaned into Derek Storm, bosom swelling with anticipation. ‘Without you the evil bankers would’ve taken my title and kingdom.’ ‘No thanks needed.’” My wife interrupted to say the bank called about our overdue mortgage. I wish we could write happy endings in life.

I showed my client the pictures of his wife with the pool boy. He signed the check and asked for a divorce lawyer. Then I showed the pictures of him with his secretary to his wife. You’d hope people would be smart enough to not involve middlemen, but then I wouldn’t get paid.

Women get so touchy about the little things. Like this morning when I asked my wife why she needed a fifth breast. Four was plenty. Razor sharp claws sprang from her fingers and she pounced. They say alien divorces get messy. But she couldn’t hurt me. Alien prenups are iron clad.

Contributed Tweets for Phillip T Stephens are provided by minimum wage stoners reading messages from tea leaves and riffing until they can type.