Xzigalia

Miasma theory is real, I discover as I use the toilet directly after my boyfriend and die from the fumes.

Influencers: "The clock is ticking!" Me: "Chat, we switched to digital dials almost universally around the Millennium. If something with a digital dial is ticking near you, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, you no longer have to worry about ageing gracefully."

Me: Do you still love me, even though I'm mad at everybody all the time? Boyfriend: [various sleeping noises] Me: Stop grinding your teeth.

The problem with amputating a person's hand as punishment instead of sending them to prison is that they can just tie on a hook or a claw or a crushing robotic talon.

Q: What do you call a man buying household cleaning supplies? A: A murderer.

"Everything is working out in my favour." Pfft, I wish. I am so constipated.

My dad scowled all the way through my wedding. All of my wedding photos have him scowling ferociously. When I asked him why, he said "Well, it was a very serious occasion."

One day you are young and cool, nek minnit you are taking family photos inside a giant tyre.

"The right woman will love me for who I am, the way I am." Erm, not if you suck.

Sex so bad you shave off your pubes, glue them to your face, and travel to the border to be deported. It is worth noting that my country is an island nation. The pubes aren't even needed as a disguise. That's just a result of the sex.

NGL, Ned Flanders' religious beliefs being inconsistent and contradictory is probably the most realistic thing about him.

Me: "Puppy, it is too hot for you up there. Jump down into the shade with me." Dog: [cheerful defiance] [heavy panting]

Me: I shall bathe very quickly so I will be fresh for my appointment in an hour. Me [50 minutes later]: I'm Henry the eighth splash splash, Henry the eighth splash splash splash splash!

It's time for another Good Idea, Bad Idea.

Interviewer: "Christa Pike's attourneys are now in discussions with the State about how things should progress." Christa Pike's attourneys and the State:

No way to confirm that I didn't off myself, no way to confirm whether or not the place was ransacked.

Generative AI is trained on stolen works, copyrighted material, and revenge porn.

Bite me, he said. You're not worth the dental floss, I replied.

Me: Is Sam Neill's name spelt with one L, or two? Boyfriend: One L. Me: Thanks. Boyfriend: Unless it's Christmastime. Then it's Noël.

No, no, amateur. Ya gotta add alcohol to it first.

Dating vapers does have its down-sides, but on the other hand, there is always someone willing to take the dog outside at 2am.

Fresh Pineapple: That's a nice every single gap between your teeth you got there...

(Ah, look out, all the lurking cryptids) (Ah, look out, all the lurking cryptids) Regional cryptid Bipedal tracks fill with plaster as fans take a mould Footprints then sold

Yo, while we're all mad about being involuntary volunteers for megacorps, I also learnt today that Duolinguo uses users as an unpaid translation service for its real clients. Special thanks to @jennymckinnon.bsky.social and @fishyash.bsky.social for the heads up. slate.com/technology/2...

Boyfriend: [asleep] [grinding teeth] Me: [firmly] Don't grind your teeth. Boyfriend: Don't grind teeth. Okay 🎵 Me: Okay 💕 Boyfriend: [most godawful snore known to man]

Katherine Gallagher finally discovers the potato peeler, 79 years behind everybody else.

Lowkey furious that in the USA they have a hot dog place called Weinershnitzel. Weinerdogs was RIGHT THERE.

Don't forget to leave cookies and oil out for George Bush tonight!

Society: Dinosaurs are so cool! I fucking love science! Scientists: Hey, did you know that dinosaurs actually looked more like birds than lizards? Society: Shuddup dweeb, we are deciding no they didn't.

This is why my boyfriend's fit watch counted 220 steps after sex.

If your rubber ducky floats upside down, it is of poor quality and the base is too lightweight to create the proper centre of gravity.

Read right to the end of "Psycho" and the so-called twist was exactly what I guessed. "More Great Titles By This Publisher." That's been done so many times already.

Not what I expected for "these things always happen in threes," but the crossover art for Dolly Parton, Tim Curry, and King Harald V of Norway will definitely be something.

I just misread "writing cabinet" as "writhing cabinet", opening up an entire spectrum of possibilities for old-timey quack cures.

Spotted catto beans, toes with the fur (fur) The whole club was starting to purr

Ugly wallpaper should be illegal. I will not be taking questions on this.

Incels: Once we get robot girlfriends it'll be OVER for you women! You'll be alone in your apartments with your cats, and- Women: And our robot boyfriends. Incels: No, you're meant t- Women: With full heads of hair, flat stomachs, vibrating genitals, and no domestic violence! Incels: ABORT RESEARCH!

Nobody has ever told me in my 40+ years that I should have or even want kids, but apparently this week one of my dad's guy friends told my brother that he was selfish for not wanting children and I'm like "this is not the gender equality I envisioned but lol"

Do not fall asleep listening to true crime. Detective Slumbertime and I caught this serial killer in the act EIGHT TIMES and threw him into prison, only for him to walk straight back out of jail when we did and start murdering again right in front of us.