Zwolf

When you're terribly upset over changes to an advertising logo that never had any purpose other than to manipulate you into buying stuff, you didn't only swallow the bait, you digested it, shat it out, and then ate it again.

I bet they wouldn't be raiding John Bolton's house if he was hiding the Epstein files...

I'll procrastinate later.

The main thing I like about badminton is picturing the person who invented it trying to talk people into trying it out with them.

Little known historical fact: Horst Wessel also used to go by the nickname "Big Balls."

@dailykos.com Y'all have the most head-hunting, biased, touchy, agenda-driven moderation staff of any website I'm on. Consider the way you treat your loyal users next time you go begging for money, because you have people there with personal dislikes who clearly abuse their power.

Did you know you can just make things up? Yep, you can. You know who told me that? A Martian ninja.

My advice is, go around your neighborhood offering people fifteen dollars for their house. You never know who's crazy and stupid.

> @jasonkander.bsky.social

I'm not trying to say that my co-worker is weird, but whenever she doesn't come to work we all figure she's probably off somewhere sewing a playsuit for a chicken.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLOb...

It's worth learning to forge your co-worker's handwriting just to write "my farts" on the lid of a Tupperware container to hide on their desk where somebody'll find it.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYbb...

Absolute perfection

Never "assume" anything, because you know what happens when you assume? Yep, you make an ASS out of YOU, you IDIOT.

I'm giving away free birds today. They're all over the place, in trees and bushes, hopping through the grass.. you just have to catch 'em and they're yours. You're welcome!

Imagine being so astronomically fucking awful that a song like this comes out and EVERYBODY knows what it's referring to, even without hints? It's the feel-good hit of the summer! www.youtube.com/watch?v=41NO...

The reason Pete Hegseth is a drunk is because he tried to play that game where you do a shot every time Pete Hegseth says the word "warfighter." My hope for you all is that you may someday find someone you love as much as Hegseth loves the saying the goofy word "warfighter."

It's a shame they can't both fall out ALL the windows...

I hope they fucking kill each other. Watching them fight is like seeing somebody with a turd in each hand start clapping. (The fun thing is, I don't even have to say who I'm talking about, you already know.)

Wow, Trump sure is mad about this "TACO" thing. He doesn't like being called a "taco." Wait 'til "Trump Ultimately Reverses Decisions" becomes popular...

If it walks like a duck and it talks like a duck it might be my Uncle Bert and he forgot to take his pills.

You can learn kung fu the same way you make a statue. You just have to stop doing everything that isn't kung fu.

The Good Ship Lollipop was from back in the days when the Navy didn't yet understand the importance of projecting a tough image.

One thing's glaringly obvious: Trump would bellycrawl a mile through wet dung to have the approval of any of the celebrities he insults. Only one thing has ever mattered in his miserable, pitiful life, and that's the approval of famous people. He's chased it his entire life. It obsesses him.

(this is true) Well THAT'S freaky... I just looked up the 1973 Walking Tall on IMDB for no particular reason, then the next site I went to I saw news that Joe Don Baker died. RIP, sir. Crazy coincidence. Back to IMDB to look up The Apprentice...

Everybody pees in the shower. But it takes an RFK Jr. to pee in the bathtub.

My aunt is a painter. Her favorite thing to paint is birds. That's a lot harder than you think -- they'll fight you and try to escape the whole time you're dabbing it on.

I think having "Nancy Mace Only" bathrooms would solve everybody's problems. She could shut up, and nobody would have to risk walking in after she'd been in there...

Life was simpler in olden times. If you saw a cool bird, you could tell that story for weeks

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. So we know they weren't physics majors.

If you've never seen this before, take the time, trust me, it's worth it: www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsPD...

So what if I get KFC confused with the UFC? I'm still the fight champ there.

"What you doin' with that hammer?" "Gonna try to make something." "What you tryin'ta make?" "Friends." - from my romance novel

All of you people who are in favor of copyright laws, just be aware that they're the reason you'll never get to read my novel, Chewbacca Cop.

Trump's first 100 days were just an "Aristocrats" joke without the sex.

I often wonder what the people working in overseas factories making rubber dog poop and whoopie cushions to ship over here think of American culture.

The irony of white supremacists

The bank has a digital sign showing the temperature, and the gas station has a digital sign showing gas prices, and sometimes I forget where I'm driving and think it's 318 degrees out there.

If my co-worker had five fewer I. Q. points, she'd be batting around a ball of yarn. If she had ten fewer I. Q. points, she'd BE a ball of yarn...

Office tip: you can enhance the level of respect you get from co-workers by always carrying a hammer with you, and hefting it now and then while winking at them.

You would think that being a "person of interest" would be a GOOD thing, but it isn't.

Turns out I heard wrong and it's not "The Boo Damn You Waltz" and now I don't like it half as much as I did.

My grandpa's a lot of fun at parties, but I sure do get tired of digging up his grave every time somebody wants to have one.

As horrible as the world is right now I'm still sorry I didn't get to hear Melania reading an Easter story aloud. I bet that was some hilariously unproductive shit. "Und zen Pee-yay-tor Rah-beet hooped ahvhay beyind zee cabbich as Fa-moor Mac Greeg-gor valked pasht vit hees shoovil!" Kids - 🤔

Turns out it's a really bad idea to tell a co-worker, "Out of everyone who works here, you're the easiest to draw."

"Carrot and stick" doesn't work on me. All "stick" does is make me decide, "I'm gon' get me a bigger stick than you got." And all "carrot" does is make me say, "You have carrots? Make me a cake!"

This isn't actually a badass black metal tee-shirt, I just sneezed while I was brushing my teeth.

I've been experimenting with compliments and so far the worst one seems to be "You look good from the back."