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broadsword is ok though, right?

How is my child supposed to defeat Alduin if they don't start weapons training at birth?

baby’s first fightin axe 🥲

We are receiving a few questions from concerned parents along the lines of, "How will my baby defend themselves from the night creatures?" We have no data showing night creatures are dangerous for babies however we have ample data that pillows, blankets, toys, and padded crib bumpers remain deadly.

DO IT DO IT DO IT

"And my axe." Gimli no That's not safe for baby dangit, Gimli Gimli!!!

Leave the battle axe in your baby’s training arena.

Bear is best. Got it.

Oh, thank goodness! The tiny fire-breathing dragon I got for my niece is safe.

Nothing is allowed in the crib, not even air. Wait—

I’d love to be the first to market Baby’s First Halberd.™

Really? Not even a blanket? Baby will be cold. 🥶😨🥺

What about a small, baby-sized campfire? That would be adorable, with cute little logs, maybe even baby-sized s'mores. Is that ok?

Does this mean twins should not sleep together?

Mom tells stories about how inconsolable I was when my grandmother tried to take away my heavy mace.

So yes to bears?

You’re my favorite bsky page

Where else is my child supposed to keep their emotional support mace

:( but what if my baby nursery is medieval weapons, cacti, and too many soft surfaces themed???? i saw it on pinterest and it was just too perfect!!

We've got to plump them up for their future school shooting!

The good news? Our new YouTube tutorial, 'Parenting: How to counter your baby once they've obtained the battle axe' should be completed soon!

How about at least lawn darts?

Oh that's where my spiked mace went... I'm gonna need that back.

Floating diegetic text does not belong in a baby's crib, and I'm tired of being told I'm wrong.

If not a battle axe, what is my baby supposed to use to keep away the things that emerge from the forest at night?