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Start here: the jokes you all stole the most. Help yourself, they're free to steal.

Boss: Do you think you can come in on Saturday? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here. Me: Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though, as public transport on weekends is slow. Boss: What time will you get here? Me: Monday

Wife: I have to tell you something, I'm pregnant. Husband: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.

The police just knocked at my house to tell me my dog was chasing a kid on a bike. I told them my dog doesn't even have a bike, and closed the door.